Frustrated

It's the last few classes before graduation. I am working really hard. I'm in the Capstone class, which is supposed to be the basic overview of everything that I learned in the program at CBU.  I have to analyze everything and they have to judge to see if I achieved my goals and the school's goals for the program. For the first week is asking all the questions that I hate.  I'm asking for a degree in Liberal Studies.  This equals teacher in the program.  I'm not looking to be a teacher. 

This provides a problem for every assignment this week. Well, not every one.  The one where I had to share my transcripts with my instructor didn't require an explanation.  Still, I'm expected to write a resume for the job that I want. 

Which job do I want? 

I've been pondering going into ABA, but the more that I think about it, the less I love it. It's a growing field, I can get a well paying job, and it makes sense from the perspective of someone who is just looking at my personality and the amount of money that I need to make. 

I just don't know if it's really for me.

How have I gone through all this work and still not know what's next?  I need someone to just tell me what I should do so I can do it.

I'm a good mom. I know that job. No, I don't know everything, but I know what I need to and I know how to learn more. I don't need a degree to do that, though.  I also already do it.  No resume needed.

The thing that gets me most excited is thinking about ministering to other parents who are struggling.  Not really in the marriage and family therapist way, but in the teaching way.  I think teaching a parenting class would be interesting, but in more of a mentor type capacity.

Recently I was asked for help from a friend of a friend to help the teachers in their church's children's church to work with a boy in the class with autism. It was a thrilling meeting.  Not because they really needed me, honestly, after meeting everyone there I realized that they had everything that they needed to help this boy out in the people in the room.  I was just able to calm some people down and give others support who had the skills and understanding that were necessary for integrating the child. I loved it. I went home thinking, "if I could do that for a living, I would love it."

Another thing that was related more closely to teaching that appealed to me was a job that I observed in a private school. I know that I did not observe all of it, but I did do an observation in a class that was special needs.  Now, it wasn't the first special needs class that I had observed in.  Actually, I observed special ed classes in a couple of other schools for my other classes. This one was different.  The class was so personal.  The teacher was a friend of mine, and I knew that she was a great mentor, but it was like she was personally involved in each of the student's lives. She was.  She knew all of their parents, knew what was happening with them in everything that they did, and she asked them about it.  This was more than a class, and she was more than a teacher.  She also coordinated the IEPs and works as a counselor for the students and a bunch of other things.  She has many hats, is extremely busy, and I loved watching her.  I thought, "if I could do that, I could teach."

One more thing that gets me kind of excited is early intervention.  I know as a mom of a kid with autism how important it is.  The idea of doing everything that I can to set that child up for success in life would be thrilling.  I'm not incredibly stuck on that one, though.  I like the idea, but I'm more of the one who would work with parents to help them set up their child for success. I'm such an advocate for helping parents learn to believe in their child and be the things that their child needs to succeed.

The other thing that has been in my mind since Tony was leaving his job as Children's Pastor was the idea of going into ministry with him. That one is the most scary because we have been burned so much in the past.  Still, when I started a job search the churches looking for someone to work with the family ministries made me think...and get excited.  I just don't know. I hate relying on a church again.  Relying on God is easy(ish), relying on a church is hard.

So.  All that being said, I don't know what to put down as my objective on my resume.  I don't have a dream job. I don't know what to do. I feel like if I choose I won't do what I need to be doing.  I just want God to shine a big spotlight on my "dream job" and have the angels start singing "ahh!" so I know what it is that I should do.

Growing Up

One of the hardest things about hanging out with family and old friends is that they have known you for a long time.  That means that they have seen you at your worst.  Childhood screw ups are never forgotten.  I am so glad I didn't have to live through puberty in an age where these things are posted somewhere on the internet, but I still have brothers who remember me when...I don't really want to talk about that. They still do, but hey, they are my brothers so I deal with it. 

Am I saying I only want to display what is perfect?  No, I mean, why would I blog my struggles if I only wanted everyone to think that I'm perfect? 

Here's the thing that I would like to assume about everyone who has known me for a really long time: you have grown since then.  Why?  Because guess what? I have grown. I'm not the same as the kid who bit her brothers growing up.  I'm not he same kid who put on an innocent look and lied to get her brothers in trouble.  I'm not even the same as the angry, stuck up girl I was in high school.  I've grown.  The Holy Spirit had a lot of work to do with me, for sure, but He's really good at His job.

Okay, I've put a lot of this on my brothers, but really, I'm reminded of this topic because of my grandmother.  She's 90 years old and she can't remember that I'm in my 30's, not 13.  I don't blame her.  Life seems to go by in the blink of an eye when it comes to my kids.  It gets real when my daughter starts borrowing my shoes.

The thing that we all need to remember as we watch others grow up and grow old is that they can actually learn from the things that they did that were wrong.  For my kids, if I look, I can see where the Holy Spirit is working in them.  I assume that they are growing and I have to allow them to do so.  Sure, as a mom, I remind them of what the Bible says as I am working with them on their character, but I can't assume that they are still going to be whining when they are 30.  I have to assume that eventually they will either learn by my teaching, the Holy Spirit's guidance, or at the very least through experience. 

I guess I'm just saying, as a person with a bit of a pet peeve, please allow room for growth in old friends and family.  You never know, they may be awesome people that you want to hang out with now.

Run for Fun?

I know I'm overweight.  It's no secret.  I'm fat.  I'm partially okay with that.

Basically that means that I'm okay with who I am and my image of myself isn't bad.  I'm a strong, beautiful woman.  My problem is that my weight is affecting my health. 

Recently Micah ran a race where he had to have a parent go with him.  He had a blast.  It was supposed to be me going through the race, but since I was unprepared due to a miscommunication and people forgetting stuff, Tony ran with him instead.  Tony couldn't really keep up. 

So here is me, the lady with health issues who needs to shed some pounds (I've gained 20 lbs. over the last 6 months), and my husband, who wants to be in better shape so he can keep up and have an easier time as an umpire, and my kids who fell in love with running and doing the obstacle course (which is what the race that Micah ran was).

So, we decided to start running together. 

Okay, this was kind of a difficult start for me because we had the flu raging through our house at the time, but we started anyway.  Tony got an app on his phone for a couch to 5k training, and we started.  I was exhausted at the end, and I didn't even do the whole thing (I walked instead of ran a few of the sets). The girls have been doing workouts in the mornings every day for a while, and they are doing well with that, so they didn't have as hard of a time, but the flu still took a toll, so they didn't always keep up either.

I've decided that as soon as I have the money, I'm signing us up for a 5k color run that is coming up in March.  Paying the money for it will hopefully help me to get as motivated as Tony is to do this thing.  I need to, the kids want to, and Tony is pretty determined to be in shape.  We'll see what happens.  If nothing else, I'll walk the 5k, but I want to be able to run it.

I told the kids that by next June (not the one coming up, but the following one) I want all of us to be able to do a triathlon (well, Tony doesn't like water, so he gets to train to just run).  It means that this summer we will be doing some serious swim training, bike rides as a family will be more common, and we are going to do the family walks/runs to gain some more stamina.  We want to be one of THOSE families.  The ones that can get things done without wiping ourselves out.  It's going to be a long road, but we will get there.