My son has become increasingly violent with little or no notice. We have resisted the use of drugs for him for a while now, but when my poor Ali came out of her room after a nap only to be attacked (she now sports a yucky bruise), I decided enough was enough. Every time I had tried to put him into the car to go somewhere he didn't want to go, every time something happened that he didn't like, someone has gotten hurt over the past 5 months.
The decision itself is tearing me apart. When I tell people who care what is going on, they tell me not to feel bad about it, but I do. It feels like a failure. I can't do enough for my boy. I feel like a horrible parent right now. Intellectually, I know that it is necessary and that I am just doing what he needs to function, but my heart just won't listen. I just feel failure.
I've never been the parent who gives their kid benedryll because the kid won't sleep. I don't even like to give my kids tylenol. I have always seen drugs as the last resort for anything. Behavior meds have always meant that the kid needs more consistant dicipline to me, and that if the parent would just try harder and be more comitted, the kid wouldn't need the drugs. So here I am. Consistancy is how we do things...to the point of boring. I have spanked, time-out-ed, positively reinforced, re-directed, and bribed my life away trying to figure out something that would work. My kids are all really well-behaved, except when something upsets Micah. It just seems like he doesn't know any other way to get his point across besides violence.
So, I gave him the drugs. Last night was his first dose. I cry when I think about it. This morning he woke up and has been so tired all day. I don't want a zombie. I want Micah back. The kid who used to try new things with numbers just for kicks. The kid who knows all of his multiplication tables and wants to learn more algebra. The kid who hacks onto my computer and deletes files because he thinks it's funny to empty the recycle bin (ok, I could do without that). The kid who tells knock-knock jokes when reciting verses in Awana. I want Micah. I just don't want my boy to be angry all the time. I don't want my girls to leave the room when he wants to play in there because they are afraid they will make a sound that he doesn't like and set him off. I want my boy back.
If you are inclined to look down on me for giving him this medication, honestly, I don't blame you. I've been there. Still, you don't know me if you think that I am doing this to make my life easier. Honestly, at the moment, it's only making my life worse. I'm hoping that it makes his life better, though. I hope it makes my girls' lives better. If it doesn't, then we will move on to something else. I don't think he will be on meds forever, and we will continue to do everything to work on skills that will help him should we take him off the medicine, but for now this is where we are.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Picture time!
This week I started on a cool project for photography class. I thought I'd share:
This is probably the most fun I've had with homework since I took speech. Yep, I loved that class. I'm odd, I know. Here's another shot, but I don't know if I will be able to use it for class. It's a good shot, but not really right for the assignment.
I don't actually like the class itself, but the assignments are fun. The instructor is kinda boring (though I don't know how to make camera equipment exciting, either). Also, since the class is really for anyone, we have to go slowly, step-by-step through everything like downloading pictures and how to crop and stuff. I know that stuff, so going through that so slowly is really irritating sometimes. Still, I understand the need to teach it slowly because there were people in the class getting lost still. I just got done with what I was doing and started to play with my pictures. It's nice to have the full version of photoshop at your fingertips. Still, I had to work with a Mac. Not that I have anything against Mac, I just don't know the OS like I do windows. I am still learning Vista on my mom's computer. My main problem is that I keep pressing the control key instead of the Apple key. It isn't really bad, though. It's probably the lack of a right click that really bothers me. Still, it just takes getting used to. The Photoshop stuff 
is really nice. I realized that I needed to change some settings on my camera to use some of it, though. Now I get why setting the quality really high is a good thing, though I probably won't use it after this class much because I don't have the money to spend on the cool programs to do all that stuff with the pictures. Not to mention the awesome printer to go along with it.
I still need to work on my project. I will probably be working less with my kids for the rest of it, though. They are not always the best models for getting my homework done. They are cute, though. Maybe I'll use some of their artwork for some of it. Hmmm...
So I was looking for a verse about pictures, and I saw an interesting verse in Ezekiel (8:10), but it really wasn't the right tone, and comlpetely out of context (but if you look it up, you will probably laugh). So I went to image, and here's a good one:
"Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.""
Genesis 1:26
This is probably the most fun I've had with homework since I took speech. Yep, I loved that class. I'm odd, I know. Here's another shot, but I don't know if I will be able to use it for class. It's a good shot, but not really right for the assignment.
I don't actually like the class itself, but the assignments are fun. The instructor is kinda boring (though I don't know how to make camera equipment exciting, either). Also, since the class is really for anyone, we have to go slowly, step-by-step through everything like downloading pictures and how to crop and stuff. I know that stuff, so going through that so slowly is really irritating sometimes. Still, I understand the need to teach it slowly because there were people in the class getting lost still. I just got done with what I was doing and started to play with my pictures. It's nice to have the full version of photoshop at your fingertips. Still, I had to work with a Mac. Not that I have anything against Mac, I just don't know the OS like I do windows. I am still learning Vista on my mom's computer. My main problem is that I keep pressing the control key instead of the Apple key. It isn't really bad, though. It's probably the lack of a right click that really bothers me. Still, it just takes getting used to. The Photoshop stuff 
is really nice. I realized that I needed to change some settings on my camera to use some of it, though. Now I get why setting the quality really high is a good thing, though I probably won't use it after this class much because I don't have the money to spend on the cool programs to do all that stuff with the pictures. Not to mention the awesome printer to go along with it.
I still need to work on my project. I will probably be working less with my kids for the rest of it, though. They are not always the best models for getting my homework done. They are cute, though. Maybe I'll use some of their artwork for some of it. Hmmm...So I was looking for a verse about pictures, and I saw an interesting verse in Ezekiel (8:10), but it really wasn't the right tone, and comlpetely out of context (but if you look it up, you will probably laugh). So I went to image, and here's a good one:
"Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.""
Genesis 1:26
Monday, September 15, 2008
What's going on?
Here I sit with my busted ankle watching cartoons with the twins, wondering when the last time was that I blogged. It seems like so long ago because of all the things that have gone on in the past week.
Monday morning I took my son into see the doctor because he woke up with his eye swelling up looking like Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Except it's the other eye...and it was almost completely closed. I took him to his doctor and she kept going back and forth about wanting to admit him to the hospital it was so bad. She decided against admitting him only because the twins had an appointment with her the next morning, so she could observe him then. She gave him a strong antibiotic and sent us home with strict instructions to come back if he got worse.
Fast forward a few hours.
After dinner, Micah went to go play in his room and came out with his leg swollen up looking like his knee came out of socket. Rush to the emergency room only to find out that he had a couple of bug bites that didn't go well with the antibiotic. Benedryl and sleep. I wondered if he had gotten bit by something in his sleep near his eye, but in the morning, the eye swelled up bigger, and the bug bites were practically gone.
We went to the doctor on Tuesday for the twins, and they are fine...well the doctor kept saying how smart they are, pretty much because my barely two-year-olds can hold a full conversation with you. Still, she took one look at Micah and said I need to check him in and get a shot, and maybe admit him...again. Well, she didn't admit him, but told me to bring him back the next day.
Wednesday, Micah has a horrible headache when he wakes up, but his eye looks a little better. We go see his doctor again, and she says that he still needs another shot. Now, if you are a parent, you know that it's difficult for kids to get shots. Take that difficulty and multiply it by 10. It literally takes 4 people to give Micah shots, especially when he had one the day before. I have made the mistake in the past to play down the shot, but that wasn't happening again. The shot on Tuesday took 4 people (one at the head, two at the legs, one to give the shot), and I took the upper body so that I could tell him what was going to happen. We started with just me and the nurse, but quickly added help. Never underestimate the leg muscles of a bouncer. I told him that he was going to get shots and that it was going to hurt. I firmly believe in telling kids the truth, and when I told him in the past that it would only hurt a little, his tantrums lasted for a couple of days. So I told him it would hurt, but it was medicine to make his eye better so he could see again. He didn't like it, but at least he didn't hold my words against me forever.
Wednesday was worse because he knew how much it hurt, plus he already had a headache. It took 4 people again, but they were prepared. He didn't cooperate, but he didn't tantrum afterward.
I also had an appointment for myself that morning because of my ankle. I got a lovely shot to ease the pain that I had, and some better meds for all the time. I don't have to be either loopy or in pain now. I also don't have to have crutches. I have a walking boot cast thing. It comes off so I can shower, but it works like a cast. It's nice. I don't have to hobble around on crutches not being able to take my kids places by myself because I can't hold onto them.
This afternoon I have a meeting here at the house about Micah, so I should probably be cleaning, but I wouldn't be getting much of that done right now either because I keep having to answer the phone all the time.
What else happened? Micah looked good enough to go to school on Thursday, but he had a headache so did really bad. He was supposed ot be mainstreaming last week but we put it off to this week because of all the missed school. By Friday Micah felt better and did fine at school. This morning I got him to school and found out that there was a sub on his first day of mainstreaming. That's really not good. He really doesn't like this sub. I kinda understand, I don't like her either.
Becca has picture day today. She was very excited. She wanted her hair done like a cheerleader (pigtails), but I decided to do it different because her hair doesn't stay well in pigtails unless I use hairspray, and I just didn't want to do that. I put it up in her next favorite way, and she was fine.
Hmm...what else? AWANA started yesterday. I was running around all afternoon getting things ready. Unfortuanately, our order didn't come in before the beginning of club, so we didn't have all the materials. Still, our directors did what they could, and I was really impressed. Our AWANA staff is awesome. I give so much credit to them for being flexible under some bad circumstances.
What else happened? I went to a...interesting...bridal shower on Saturday for my cousin. Becca is going to be her flower girl. I wish I took her with me, at least I would have had something to do. It was...I don't want to say boring, but I can't think of another word. I knew the family there, but that was about it. The food was good, but I had heartburn later and my mom didn't feel real good. Still, I love my cousin, and went gladly to her shower. I even missed a baby shower for one of the girls who used to be in my sunday school class for her shower. That was kinda a bummer with those being on the same day and time, but I had to go to my family thing.
Well, that's my busy life lately. I did all that hopping around on one foot (well, I had the boot thing, but it sounds impressive to say I was hopping around).
Here's 1 John 4:13-18.
"We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
Monday morning I took my son into see the doctor because he woke up with his eye swelling up looking like Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Except it's the other eye...and it was almost completely closed. I took him to his doctor and she kept going back and forth about wanting to admit him to the hospital it was so bad. She decided against admitting him only because the twins had an appointment with her the next morning, so she could observe him then. She gave him a strong antibiotic and sent us home with strict instructions to come back if he got worse.
Fast forward a few hours.
After dinner, Micah went to go play in his room and came out with his leg swollen up looking like his knee came out of socket. Rush to the emergency room only to find out that he had a couple of bug bites that didn't go well with the antibiotic. Benedryl and sleep. I wondered if he had gotten bit by something in his sleep near his eye, but in the morning, the eye swelled up bigger, and the bug bites were practically gone.
We went to the doctor on Tuesday for the twins, and they are fine...well the doctor kept saying how smart they are, pretty much because my barely two-year-olds can hold a full conversation with you. Still, she took one look at Micah and said I need to check him in and get a shot, and maybe admit him...again. Well, she didn't admit him, but told me to bring him back the next day.
Wednesday, Micah has a horrible headache when he wakes up, but his eye looks a little better. We go see his doctor again, and she says that he still needs another shot. Now, if you are a parent, you know that it's difficult for kids to get shots. Take that difficulty and multiply it by 10. It literally takes 4 people to give Micah shots, especially when he had one the day before. I have made the mistake in the past to play down the shot, but that wasn't happening again. The shot on Tuesday took 4 people (one at the head, two at the legs, one to give the shot), and I took the upper body so that I could tell him what was going to happen. We started with just me and the nurse, but quickly added help. Never underestimate the leg muscles of a bouncer. I told him that he was going to get shots and that it was going to hurt. I firmly believe in telling kids the truth, and when I told him in the past that it would only hurt a little, his tantrums lasted for a couple of days. So I told him it would hurt, but it was medicine to make his eye better so he could see again. He didn't like it, but at least he didn't hold my words against me forever.
Wednesday was worse because he knew how much it hurt, plus he already had a headache. It took 4 people again, but they were prepared. He didn't cooperate, but he didn't tantrum afterward.
I also had an appointment for myself that morning because of my ankle. I got a lovely shot to ease the pain that I had, and some better meds for all the time. I don't have to be either loopy or in pain now. I also don't have to have crutches. I have a walking boot cast thing. It comes off so I can shower, but it works like a cast. It's nice. I don't have to hobble around on crutches not being able to take my kids places by myself because I can't hold onto them.
This afternoon I have a meeting here at the house about Micah, so I should probably be cleaning, but I wouldn't be getting much of that done right now either because I keep having to answer the phone all the time.
What else happened? Micah looked good enough to go to school on Thursday, but he had a headache so did really bad. He was supposed ot be mainstreaming last week but we put it off to this week because of all the missed school. By Friday Micah felt better and did fine at school. This morning I got him to school and found out that there was a sub on his first day of mainstreaming. That's really not good. He really doesn't like this sub. I kinda understand, I don't like her either.
Becca has picture day today. She was very excited. She wanted her hair done like a cheerleader (pigtails), but I decided to do it different because her hair doesn't stay well in pigtails unless I use hairspray, and I just didn't want to do that. I put it up in her next favorite way, and she was fine.
Hmm...what else? AWANA started yesterday. I was running around all afternoon getting things ready. Unfortuanately, our order didn't come in before the beginning of club, so we didn't have all the materials. Still, our directors did what they could, and I was really impressed. Our AWANA staff is awesome. I give so much credit to them for being flexible under some bad circumstances.
What else happened? I went to a...interesting...bridal shower on Saturday for my cousin. Becca is going to be her flower girl. I wish I took her with me, at least I would have had something to do. It was...I don't want to say boring, but I can't think of another word. I knew the family there, but that was about it. The food was good, but I had heartburn later and my mom didn't feel real good. Still, I love my cousin, and went gladly to her shower. I even missed a baby shower for one of the girls who used to be in my sunday school class for her shower. That was kinda a bummer with those being on the same day and time, but I had to go to my family thing.
Well, that's my busy life lately. I did all that hopping around on one foot (well, I had the boot thing, but it sounds impressive to say I was hopping around).
Here's 1 John 4:13-18.
"We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
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