Expectations

Can we all agree to give up on the idea of living up to your potential? 

I am talking to me, too. It's a hard thing to get past. My kids are far from a disappointment. They aren't doing what I thought they would at this point in their lives, but I'm ridiculously proud of them and they are good humans. 

The expectation of "living up to your potential" is mildly abusive. I am an intelligent human. My husband is as well. Our kids are all really smart. I mean that in a measured and determined scientifically way, not just a mom bragging about how awesome her kids are way. Not that there's anything wrong with that, kids need parents to believe in them. I just mean that on paper my kids look(ed) great in school. Life happens and the grades didn't always reflect what they are capable of, but that doesn't make them any less intelligent, it just means that school wasn't always their priority. A high IQ doesn't always translate to straight A's. As a matter of fact, it rarely does. 

Anyway, I didn't mean to get on the subject of my kids. They are all doing awesome. I am really thinking of myself. As a 42 year old human with a pretty decent IQ and a bunch of skills, you'd think I'd be doing something earth shattering, but I'm a teacher about to start my 5th year. I spent quite a bit of my life raising my kids, but plenty of people out there juggle kids and a job, so there's really no excuse. I was in the top 5% of my high school graduating class, a good swimmer, water polo player, and successful at a bunch of other high school things that look good to colleges. I went to college and dropped out 6 weeks in and came home. I felt like the ultimate disappointment. 

It took me 15 years to get my bachelor's after all that. Sure, I had kids and they needed me, but I didn't "live up to my potential." For years when I thought about myself I saw a disappointment. At some point I figured that I'd only be "successful" while being a mom if my kids were exceptional. My potential could not be wasted, my kids had to be the best.

Then I woke up and realized I'd messed with my kid's heads imposing stupid expectations about success that I didn't even really believe in. 

Potential is a poor idea when describing people. It turns out, I'm a pretty intelligent person, but intelligence doesn't guarantee success. I'm pretty strong and I have some pretty decent skills, but that's not what will bring success. I work really hard at stuff. I'm also a great student. That's not what will determine whether or not a person is "successful" or "lives up to their potential." The thing is, all of those things are factors that can contribute to how life will turn out for people, but there are a lot more things completely outside of our control that can affect the outcome. Telling kids what is or isn't possible for them is terrible. It's like putting a measuring stick up next to them then flooding the room to a level above their head and telling them to stand and be measured. When it doesn't work they should just try harder because the kid in the dry room was able to stand there just fine. Life happens. It's okay to just float instead of trying to make the first task work. It's okay to go for a swim and bust through the walls if you need to.  

We need to stop sending the message to "live up to your potential" and allow humans to just do what they can while living their lives. I bet they some will reach farther than some would think was within their potential and blow our minds.

It's been a while...

It's been a while since I posted here. So much has happened in my family, and it's a bit crazy that I haven't written here since 2017. 

Today I decided to write because I'm feeling like I'm juggling a lot again and I'm overwhelmed. My coping mechanism is often oversharing, so the blog is perfect for that. I started to just tweet, but it took too many characters and I didn't feel like cutting anything, so here I am.

My tweet looked like this: I took on too many things at once. I can never not drop everything to help my kids, but picking everything back up after dropping them is the only time I think about how many things I have taken on. Why have I, after almost 42 years living in my brain still not figured out how to use it?

It's a valid question. Why am I still figuring out how to function in a healthy way? I'm frustrated with myself. 

I have given up oversharing about my kids (not my story to tell, consent, and all that stuff that's really important). Still, my issues are open for sharing, and there are so very many that a blog post works well. 

I probably should catch up a reader (not that there are many, and most know all this, but I'm telling the story, so I get to choose the stuff to write about). Since I last posted in 2017, I went back to school, became a special education teacher, got my master's in education, had a horrible, traumatic church experience, taught through a pandemic, and got a couple of my kids through high school graduation as well. I also bought a house with a pool, went on a road trip with my Becca, was undiagnosed with MS, and lost a bunch of weight. 

It's been an eventful few years. 

The things I have taken on lately are a new job (still a SPED teacher, just a completely different kind than the one I started with), joined a bunch of people starting a church plant, went back to school again to get a STEAM education certificate, started a club where I teach to promote inclusive practices, and I'm heading up a team of parents at my kid's school to start a booster club for the music program, and I just took a mentor position with a brand new teacher that starts tomorrow. 

I know, I'm crazy. 

I know that my self-worth isn't defined by all the stuff I accomplish, but I like accomplishing stuff. I've been paralyzed before, and I never want to feel that way again. I like doing stuff. Still, it all drops to the floor if one of my babies needs me. I was given the nickname of Mamabear at work because I passionately fight for the needs of kids. My own children get that tenfold. 

Without going into the who or why of the most recent reason I had to drop everything (not my story, but I was a being mom), I want to share the picking back up of the broken pieces when I dropped all the things.

I still haven't gotten it all together yet. I have this week to finish all of the assignments for my STEAM class that I didn't do in the midst of the issues, but it's happening, even if I just took on the mentor thing. I will make the time because I will not fail. I have late IEPs for the first time in my 4 years of teaching. That's horrible, but I'm fixing it. I'm getting help for the stuff for the band booster thing. I'm not alone in that, even if they voted me in charge. I learned that I have to have more than a few people backing me up on new projects or I will never make it, so I'm leaning on others with my new club and the new church plant until I get my feet back under me again. It's probably growth that I'm doing that because I know in the past I always liked to just take on challenges by myself, and I learned how toxic that can be. 

It's all still a bit crazy, but I'm still figuring out how to function well in my brain, which I have seen in scans, and is super weird. I'm good with being weird, though. 

Stuff

One of the things I have been trying to change in my life is my need to buy stuff. The reality is that I have too much stuff. I don't need more things. Going through my grandmother's things after she passed has made this more and more clear for me. It isn't even the first time we have gone through her things to get rid of stuff. She had a crazy collection of things that she kept "just in case." It was her objection to the "throw away" mentality that I liked. Why throw things away that could be used again? She was reusing things long before it was cool. Still, at a certain point not throwing it away overwhelms you and you live in the leftover space.
I know my grandmother would cringe at all the things we have thrown away during the process of reclaiming out garage, but I also know I don't want how I live to be defined by stuff.
The things we keep are her crafts that she lovingly took her time and talents and the items that have stories that go with them. That is what I want to preserve in her stuff. Precious memories and rich stories from our family.
In honor of my grandmother, my kids and I are focusing our Christmas on making memories instead of getting/giving stuff. I am not Black Friday shopping or even shopping Amazon lightning deals. We don't need more stuff in our lives.
I am not by any means a minimalist. I enjoy my large home and all kinds of excess. I don't want my life defined by how little I have any more than I want it defined by how much I have. It's still being defined by stuff. I want my life defined by who I am, most especially who I am in Jesus. How detached I am from my stuff should just be one characteristic in a person who loves God and people. When people go through my stuff when I am gone, I want memories attached to every single thing. Those memories, good or bad, should paint the picture of a person who loves God and people; Maybe a love of learning, travel, and fun as well.

Great-Grandma's Passing

My grandmother passed away Monday night.

I will be writing a longer tribute to her later, but for now this is about my family's reaction.

I heard the news when my mom woke me up in the middle of the night to let me know she had died in her sleep. At that moment I grunted a "I'll call my brothers in the morning" and hugged my husband and tried desperately to fall back to sleep to no avail. My Fitbit later berated me for only sleeping for two hours that night.

My brother's calls were okay. I had been talking to them about what had been going on via a group Facebook message for a while. You see, last week was the week of hospital hell. My grandmother fell the week before that and was recovering (we thought) after a trip to the emergency room. Monday I took my mom to her doctor appointment I think because I needed to get Micah out of the house or something, because I remember he was melting down over something when she came back to the car. She told me that her doctor told her to go to the emergency room right away for a possible heart attack. Micah was in a full rage by the time we got there, so I took him home to try to get him calm. Blah, blah, blah, a bunch more stuff, my grandmother got sicker suddenly and I had to call 911 for her. My mom was admitted to the hospital at that point, so I called then followed the ambulance there. My mom was upstairs, I didn't know everything having to do with her health, but told them everything I remembered and then said they should look at the ER visit from the previous week for more info because my mom was unavailable upstairs. Grandma faded while she was in the hospital little by little. My mom got out, then had to go back in, then I had a visit with my neurologist for other fairly life changing news, and all this made me feel like I was drowning. Oh, and my husband wasn't around because softball. My in-laws took my kids for a good part of the time, though. Saturday we went to visit with my grandmother and found that she had been transferred to the rehab facility, but when we got there, she was barely speaking. Sunday she mom got little response from her, Monday she barely opened her eyes for anyone, then that evening she passed.

My mom is okay, by the way. She had pancreatitis and gallstones, not a heart attack, but it took them all week to figure that out. She had to change her diet pretty severely.

Okay, so that is my short explanation of the week plus of hospital hell.

Now we are dealing with the aftermath. Changing Mom's diet is really the least of my worries. Funeral arrangements, calming my mom down when her sister drives her crazy (her sister grieves and plans differently, so there are bound to be issues), telling my kids, working out the budget without my grandmother's monthly portion of the rent, and figuring out all the little details is really draining.

My twins were pretty easy. It was a short cry when we told them and a bit of apprehension on Zoe's part because she had been the one helping my grandmother from the bathroom when she fell one time, but not the last time.  They knew she was fading. They could see it as they helped her up until she had to go to the hospital. It wasn't unexpected for them.

Micah is different. He processes everything differently. I tell him in a matter of fact way that his Great-grandmother has died. He thinks for a minute. He says, "She lives with Jesus now." He goes back to his game. It's weird, but not everyone is a cryer, right? I'm not. My mom isn't. I don't know why I would expect him to do anything different. Tony is totally a crying kind of person, and that's cool. I make fun of him, but I think my kids would have a harder time if someone around here didn't look like they feel stuff.

Since that conversation we have talked about the funeral. I am giving my kids the choice, for really the first time ever, to go to a funeral. More than anything it's because they lived with this woman. They helped with her care. If a funeral helps them process everything, then they can go. I really don't like funerals and I never go to them. I always feel bad that I don't cry much and when I look around me and see people grieving I feel like I'm doing it wrong. I know intellectually that everyone grieves differently and it's not wrong to do it my way, but social situations like that are hard for me. I never know what others expect and I feel like I should do something different but I don't like to be fake. Anyway, the whole thing is awkward for me.

Micah asked me what a funeral is, and I explained it a bit. I asked him if he wanted to go and he said he did. That could get awkward. You see, Micah is very blunt with every observation. The feelings of of others are never really considered when he opens his mouth. I'm afraid he will have a rough time. I asked our very good friend to help him out during the funeral and take him out if he needs to go, not to hide him, but if he gets uncomfortable to let him have space.

Today was filled with observations from him in the form of statements like "Great-grandma is dead. She doesn't need her chair anymore." They are matter-of-fact and simple ways he is processing the changes that are happening. He told my mom "Don't call it Great-grandma's room. She doesn't need it, she isn't alive. She lives with Jesus." My mom, thankfully not the weepy type just said, "You're right."

The kids are excited to see extended family. It's not for the reasons that anyone would want, but they will like having them around anyway. My brother, Paul will be with them this weekend while Tony and I are in Florida to pick up Becca. She will be told when we get her. I just didn't want to let her hear the news without us around. You see, Becca was the one who over the past year before her summer in Panama got up every morning to feed her great-grandmother breakfast, give her pills, and just calm her. If my grandmother was irritated that I was the one caring for her after school, Becca would jump up and calm her down. She was the favored child. When my grandmother listed her children, she often counted Becca among them. Becca, my grandmother told me, was her favorite.

My other kids were good to her, and she definitely enjoyed them, but Becca stood out for her. Now, I'm sure that any of my cousin's or brother's kids being around would have been favored as well, but Becca was there. Becca gave her hugs without hesitation. Becca loved her even when that meant doing gross stuff for her. Becca is so very special.

Anyway, I don't know how that is going to go over with her. I wanted so desperately for her to not have to come home to this, but it is what it is.

My little bro, Steven will be doing the service for my grandma. He was grandma's favorite during my childhood. I was often told this. My little bro didn't know, but she told me often that I should be more like him. He was the good child. Honestly, he was. The other three of us were horrible. Still, it didn't help that we were constantly told how great he was and how terrible we were.

Steven was definitely the kid that took care of my grandmother before she needed constant care, though. She poured into him so much. He loved her right back. He should do a pretty good service for her.

I still don't know how to feel. I do have a weird hole in my gut since her passing. It's not something that can be fixed by crying. My grandma was a constant presence in my life. She affected me the way no one else can. I know she is with Jesus and Grandpa right now, so feeling sad actually feels wrong. I can't say I wish she was still here because she was in so much pain and honestly, she hasn't been mentally there in quite a long time. She wasn't the same person I grew up with and I really had to separate that long ago when she started yelling at me and telling me that she was going to "get the hospital to fire [me]." She really had no idea who I was, but I rubbed her wrong constantly in the last few years. I knew it wasn't really her, though. While it was rough to hear, I still separated it in my head pretty well most of the time because I knew she wasn't the Grandma that I knew anymore.

It's a strange place to be. It's where I am, though. I'm often strange.

Confessions of a Umpire Widow

My husband is a Little League umpire. He does umpire for other organizations occasionally, but mostly he does Little League.

When I say he is an umpire, I don't mean that it's his job. He has gotten paid for it, and he gets phone calls all the time asking for him to come help out for paying gigs, but it's not about the money. The opposite is more the truth. He's spent more money on umpire stuff than he has ever gotten paid for actually umpiring.

He's a volunteer. That term seems kind of small for all the time, sweat, tears, brain power, and money he has put into this. At this point in his life, it's a defining part of who he is. In the same breath that I say that he is a follower of Christ, a husband, and a father, I have to say he's an umpire.

This year, during the baseball season, and especially the post-season, my husband has been gone. It's totally normal for us, but this year it felt more dramatic because my kids were all playing ball and also the fact that we moved so far away from his work that he has to take off on his morning commute before most of the kids are up. Plus there's the fact that he's running all over southern California in a bunch of districts to help out. It all adds up to my nightmare year.

So that makes me one of a special breed of wives, the umpire widows. Usually known as baseball widows, but Tony was doing both softball and baseball this year. Mostly he was doing softball because he was selected to do the Softball Western Region tournament in San Bernardino. This is kind of a big deal. The winner of that tournament goes to the Softball World Series. One day he will probably end up getting selected for that, and it's in Portland. That will be interesting. We will probably go visit my brother up there if that ever happens.

The weird thing about Tony doing mostly softball this year is that my girls all switched to baseball. Really, the only reason being that Little League doesn't have a softball program here in Menifee. It created a bunch of issues this year with Becca's team, since none of them had ever played ball with a girl before. Still, this blog post isn't really about that.

One of the parents on Becca's team this year asked me how I let my husband volunteer so much. It was so weird. First in that I "let" my husband do anything, as if I had control over his decisions. Sure, I have input, but he's the one calling the shots. Secondly it was weird because as I said before, being an umpire is just who Tony is. If I asked him to stop, he'd be broken.

Now, I have, on many occasions told him to slow down. This year it was when he was umping every night, sometimes until the wee hours of the night and not really getting enough sleep. I had just about had a fit when fatigue made him get into a car accident. It was a pretty minor accident, but honestly, I had been telling him to slow down, he's getting too old for the all-nighters. He just had to learn the hard way. Thankfully nobody was hurt.

I have gotten into many discussions over the years as to why Tony umpires. Sometimes people don't get it why he would volunteer and spend all that time doing this. Sometimes I practically blow off the questions by saying "he loves it." It's true, but it's such an incomplete answer.

My husband is an introvert. Some people who knew him when he was younger don't really believe that, but it's true. He thrives in solitude. He has to have moments of solitude or he won't be okay. It's one reason why his commute is so good for him, but I digress. While solitude is in his nature, sports has always been a way to communicate with him and bring him out of the shell he enjoys. As an umpire, Tony doesn't have to retreat. As a matter of fact, he is most social when he is out on the field, training others to be better on the field, preparing to be on the field, or debriefing after the game. That doesn't mean he doesn't have to have those moments of solitude anyway, but he still thrives when talking about baseball and softball.

This may seem like a total change of subject, but I'm going here anyway. Several years ago, my husband went through a long process of ordination. He's an ordained children's minister. He worked in a church for several years, but things didn't work out for so many reasons that it would be difficult to explain them all. Let's just say that it wasn't a good fit. It's funny, though. It was near the end that he was ordained. The church absolutely recognized that Tony is called by God to minister to children. It's obvious to anyone who has ever worked with Tony in ministry, he's effective and supposed to minister to children and families.

Tony is a secretary for a job. It's weird, because he's really not the most organized person anywhere else, but he's good at his job. Still, I wouldn't say that it's his calling. He's definitely placed in that office for a reason, and he is loved and respected there, but he's there to provide for his family. That's his job.

So, if Tony's calling is to be a children's minister, he's not working at a church, is he wasting that call? Has he given up what God clearly showed him that he should do? Nope. Here's the thing: God doesn't work exclusively inside the church. Tony doesn't have to be doing "Children's Ministry" within the church to be pouring his life into the lives of children. He's meeting them where they are, and in this case, they are on the ball field. His calls are given with all the grace mixed with justice that he can, and it shows. He shows Jesus to them when he calls a game with his cool head despite the people in the stands shouting for his head. He's hurt if he has to throw a kid out, knowing that the kid has to learn a painful lesson. His conversations with the catcher are priceless, and more than one of them has learned much from his quiet voice.

Tony is there night after night for every other kid (as well as his own on occasion) because it's what he's called to do. Who am I to ask him to quit?

So, why Little League? Well, here's the thing about Little League: it's not just a baseball and softball program. Little League is all about instilling character, courage, and loyalty in the lives of the players. It's not about the trophies or pins, it's not even about the post-season games and the World Series. It's about teaching every kid, regardless of where they live or their level of ability character, courage, and loyalty. The regular season is as important, if not more important, as the high level tournaments. This is evidenced most in the Challenger program. These kids will never be all stars. They won't be the kids you watch on TV when they are adults playing for your favorite MLB team. Still, the heart and soul of so many people, including myself at times, is poured into those kids with special needs. Sure, I'm involved because of my boy, so I'm biased, but I have seen the lives of all star players coming out to "buddy" with those kids changed forever. They learn compassion by being out there and letting the kid who can't reach the grounder from their wheelchair throw the ball they picked up. They learn to respect the abilities of the underestimated when they watch a Challenger player who can't talk to them knock one out of the park. They see determination in the kid with no legs scooting his way, as fast as he can around the bases.

The emphasis on playing every player in the regular season is also where Little League shines. There are a ton of rules about minimum play, depending on the level and stuff. My girls play because of these rules. Now, that's not just because they are girls playing baseball, though I know in some ways that is part of it, but only when we have a crappy coaching staff. My girls play for the love of the game, though, not because they are awesome players. The thing is, that's what the season is all about. Sure, they learn and practice and get better from sheer determination, but I'm more impressed with the drive that made them practice swinging for hours than the hit on the ball field. They know that, by the way. I'm super proud and pray at the end of the year that they don't make all stars. Mostly because I don't want to go to any more games. That kinda makes me a horrible mom. Oh, well.

I'm getting off topic.

I really don't like baseball. I know I have said that previously in this blog, but I'm just going to say it again. I don't like baseball.

It's cool. I love my kids and I love my husband, so I'm often seen at a ball park. I also like hot dogs at Angel stadium and the chili cheese fries they make at Bloomington Little League, so I can be happy there for me, too. Menifee doesn't have that great of a snack bar, but to change that I'd have to volunteer, so I'm down with whatever they produce to keep me happy during the times I have to be there.

So what else is there to confess? I'm going to whine at some point in the next week and a half. Tony left this morning to start the Softball Regional Tournament. He is staying there in the umpire dorms as required. I will see him when I give in and show up at one of the games because my kids have begged to go. Not one of the 9am ones, though. That's unreasonable. I would have to get myself and the kids up at school time during the summer to get them there on time. Not happening. Watch him call and ask for me to come to one. I'll probably cave, too.

So why the heck would I let my husband spend most of his vacation days on going to play softball or baseball? I have to. I want to. Sure I want to take a cruise, too, but I'm broke so that's not an option anyway. We get time at Christmas when nobody is playing ball. My kids are not suffering for lack of a parent. I'm here, plus he's here for them, too. Trust me, I know what not having a dad around is like, and this is so not that. He's there for them no matter what and they know it. That's something I never had. Plus I get to be the mom who quietly (sometimes...and sometimes not so quietly) hints to him when his kids need him for something. That's pretty cool.

I'm an umpire widow. I doubt I will ever fully appreciate that when there is a meltdown in my house and my husband isn't here to help out. Thankfully nobody has thrown up while he is on the field *knocks on wood*. I don't do that part of parenting. It's his job. My kids are all old enough to take care of themselves in that anyway. I think he's in the clear for that.

Mostly during the times Tony is gone, I do road trips. I have planned road trips so that he doesn't have to feel guilty about spending all his time on the field and not with his kids. I have also planned road trips to keep me from yelling at my husband for not being there.  I love a good road trip. Christmas time we do the ones with Tony, but I doubt we will do that this year.

This year we are broke. Mostly because of sending our kid to Panama for the summer. Still, there are other factors. Stuff comes up. It's the way life goes. I'm trying to be good with it, but it's hard. Kinda just want the next week and a half to be over. It's a crappy way to think, knowing my husband is right where he should be, but it's where I am right now. That's my confession.

IEP Post Observations

In my last post, I talked about observing Micah at school. There were so many positive things about the school that he is going to, and most of it is due to the attitudes of the students around him.

I still walked away with a good long list of suggestions for the teachers, though even those were mostly positive.

Then we got to his 7th period class. The students were great. The teacher just doesn't want him there. It is evident in everything that this teacher says and does the whole class.

Anyway, I walked away, typed all of my observations and suggestions in a long email and sent it in, requesting an IEP to discuss the class and more appropriate accommodations that were obviously necessary, and the fact that accommodations already in the IEP were not being given.

This is what happened in the IEP meeting this morning. I was first pulled aside to ask me if Micah and his aid could sit this meeting out because it was probably going to be confrontational and they didn't want that to affect the relationships they have even further. In the 45 minute meeting, I found myself citing IDEA to the teacher and being backed up by everyone else on the team. Micah's  engineering teacher explained how he was grading participation and it was determined by the team (though the teacher strongly objected) that he should be excused from that particular grade since it was all based upon social interaction. Testing was also determined that it was not appropriately given according to the modifications allowed in his IEP and now Micah will be able to retake all the tests.

The teacher was still very defensive and determined to get Micah out of the class, constantly referring to another student with autism that was doing fine in his class. He was reminded by the program specialist (a district level administrator) that he cannot compare students with autism, that's not how autism works.

Anyway, the suggestions that I gave about giving Micah group assignments early so he can work on them with his aid before class and she can work on his group work skills alongside speech therapy and the study skills instructor were put into the IEP. These suggestions I gave to the teacher before this, but he constantly argued that it was not okay because his aid didn't understand the  engineering involved. I told him that it didn't matter because she was just working with him on how to ask questions that he may have and to help set himself up to do the work. Besides, Micah understands the engineering.  The teacher was still very confrontational, but it's all in writing and he said he would try.

I think the worst thing about the whole discussion was that when the teacher was asked what areas Micah did well in, he said he couldn't think of anything in his class that he does well. He even went as far as to imply that I did Micah's homework for him. I just couldn't believe that Micah did nothing well, especially since they are working on coding for their robotics right now and coding is something that he excells at. At this point it feels like the teacher and Micah are both in a routine of failure.

The best part about it was that the only person who wasn't agreeing that what was happening was unacceptable was the teacher. Speech therapy more fully understood goals of group work and said that she would work on his group skills even as they specifically apply to that class and could do some of his make up sessions one on one in that class if scheduling worked out. The program specialist had a difficult time keeping a straight face when the teacher made observations that were obviously discriminatory and called him out on it more than once. Micah's case manager was nodding every time I spoke and did everything to make sure that I was viewed as an expert on Micah and knew what I was talking about and not just asking for the teacher to give him an easy A.

Overall I think the meeting went as well, at least as well as I thought it could have. I started to feel bad for the engineering teacher, knowing that he was fighting against everyone in the room, and I have been there and it's a hard place to be. Still, the things he was digging his heels in about were not about learning, they were about changing his behavior. I just didn't think that I was asking for anything that was unreasonable. They were minor changes. The biggest thing was asking him to give the assignment for the day to his aid earlier in the day so that she could discuss it with him and help with prompts, and that does not seem that unreasonable.

The opposition was not unexpected, so I really feel that the meeting went as well as it could have given the attitude of the teacher. When the discussion came up that we would revisit his continuing in the program next semester, I didn't actually say it, but there is no way I am going to allow my son to stay in a class with that teacher. He doesn't seem to want to teach my son, and Micah doesn't have to put up with that. He is a blessing and so very intelligent and anyone who refuses to see that doesn't deserve him.

Observations

I went to school with Micah yesterday. I decided to observe him and give pointers to his para (1:1 aide). I also observed the classes and the special ed teachers involved seemed quite interested in my input. There were some issues with one class, one of his mainstream classes, but I really don't want to get into that here. I'd probably walk away as angry as I was at the end of the school day yesterday, and I would much rather focus on the positive.

I began the day with Micah wanting to go to school earlier. It was strange for a kid to want to go to school and be there before it begins, but he wanted it, I wanted to see why and so we went. He went and stood outside and said "hi" to people. Not random people, he was selective. He wanted to talk with people he knew. Once people came that he knew, he said "hi" then some formed a group, he stood back a bit for a while looking at them, then he went over and smiled at them. He seemed to have no idea how to add to the conversation, but he hung out with them.

Nobody looked at him weird. Nobody made him feel unwelcome or strange. He just stood in the group and listened and smiled and he was just happy.

I thought this was a strange phenomenon, as he had never had this kind of experience with others before. Even the youth group at church said "hi" and never really tried to make him feel unwelcome, but he just sat and colored. At his old school kids mostly said "hi" and walked by. Striking up conversations was usually facilitated. These people weren't just tolerating him for the sake of a grade or something that they could put on their resume. They just treated him like the peer that he is and just let him be a friend.

That smile on his face during the interactions that I found were not isolated incidents but the norm for down time spent with peers including lunch time and time in the hallways between classes made me realize that my son is a person with autism, but also quite the extrovert.

This seems odd to me, but I couldn't figure out why. I mean, autism doesn't really change personality, it changes how it is expressed. I just never figured him for an extrovert. He usually ignores people. I found the difference, though. He doesn't ignore people who don't consider him odd. People who talk with him like anyone else are the people he is drawn to. Can you blame him? Nobody wants to be treated like the odd one out.

Micah went through his routine for the day, stopping in the hallways to talk to certain people, knowing that his aide doesn't let him talk to more than 2 people en route to his next class for expediency purposes. He chatted his routine small talk, never really going farther than his rote conversation that is just "Hi! How are you?" One day I hope he will be able to go past that, but at the moment it is working for him. He sat with cheerleaders and football players at lunch, which make up the majority of his circle of friends. His aide told me that her son is on the football team so most of those kids know her, so she just made talking to Micah normal with them by just saying at the beginning of the year, "It's no big deal, he just wants to be friends." The kids just ran with it.

Now some people will talk to Micah and allow him to sit with them but really just look at him sideways and tolerate him. This really isn't the case. Micah picks up that kind of body language. It happened at his last school. These kids just treat him as the silent guy in the group and accept him. They know he doesn't like to be touched beyond a fist bump, so they give him his fist bumps and just include him. They also know that he doesn't like foul language so their conversations tend to be clean. It's the funniest thing when Micah tells a huge football player "Hey, use nice words!" and they apologize.

My boy cracks me up. He's such a good guy. No wonder people want to hang out with him.

A Different Life

It has been a while since I blogged. At that time we were applying for a house that we didn't get.

Since then I have taken the kids and my mom and grandmother on a cross country road trip, moved to a new house (a different one than the previously blogged about one, but enormous and gorgeous), changed my kids to new schools, and have struggled with all of the new.

I can't fit all of that in one blog. Well, I could, but it would take a while. Instead, I think I will probably skip all of the changes and just write about life now. 

Don't worry folks who want to know about the road trip, I will share about that later.

At the beginning of the year, I talked about the year of rest.

HA!

Okay, so life kinda went crazy on me. Still, I believe that the message of rest has still been extremely important to me this year. In the midst of the chaos and stuff I just can't control but still manage to worry about, I still found myself really focusing on rest. It's why I could actually go on my vacation knowing that I didn't actually finish all of the packing that I was supposed to, knowing that my new house was going to be ready while I was gone and Tony was going to have to move, ask people for help (which is totally outside of his MO), and just trust that he had it handled because I just wasn't going to lose my deposits or the full payments for the things that I had planned for that month. It's why I could handle when we moved and were going back to a new home and I had to trust that Tony was going to enroll our kids in school so that they could start in the weeks that followed our return.

After the trip, I came home to a new house and a ton of boxes. It was a long trip and pretty hard, but still restful. I no longer had a job besides staying home and caring for my grandmother, who during the trip learned that she could do more than she was doing before the trip, but still needed 24/7 care. I managed to work hard and get the boxes out of my kitchen, then the living room, then the dining room. Then we took the boxes out of the girl's room because they wouldn't unpack for themselves more than the few things they took out of the boxes when we first go there so I decided that they just didn't need that stuff. It's in the garage and I'm still in the midst of considering what is the best way to just get rid of it.  Micah's stuff went into his closet and his room is the cleanest of all of us. 

I set up a new chore chart for a new house. We had rooms we had never had before and I wanted everything to just stay clean all the time. I changed from a weekly chore system to a daily chore system, started filling in holes in cleaning with chore sticks for when people do things that are not okay, and my house stays pretty clean all the time. I really felt like I accomplished something with that one. I never felt like that in the ten years of being in the old house. Same kids, mostly the same system, but the new house set up a new feeling of clean. Everyone actually feels like we have a clean house when we are done. 

Hooray! I accomplished something!

School was and still is a bit more difficult. The twins are fine. Bored, actually. Still, they are working and feeling like they are actually smart kids. It's because they are and their school is a bit behind their last school, but their self esteem is significantly higher which is helping them achieve more. Ali came home many times last year frustrated that she "isn't a math person" which is an absurd notion put into her head by well-meaning folks who just wanted to make her feel better about her 3 (the grades are 1-4 there) in math. Her 3 was ridiculously close to a 4, which is a 90% or higher, but the idea that "some people are just not math people" was put in her head anyway, and her grades slowly declined because she had it in her head that she didn't understand.

Now Ali is in a class that is still doing grade level work, they reviewed stuff from last year at the beginning of the year like teachers normally do, and suddenly everything clicked in her head. She has 100% in math this year. An "A" in this school district. She has a wonderful teacher who loves to listen to her stories that are relevant to the conversations about the history and books that they are studying. She is not teased here in the same way that she was in her last school, though she is still having trouble making friends. She has trouble when people are not listening to her even though she is right, and that is not helping her. I'm good with her staying right, but she has to learn to do it without screaming at people that they should listen to her because she knows the right answer. 

Zoe has fewer issues, but she's a little more ahead of her sister in interpersonal communication. Still no trouble in school. Straight A's, but she didn't have the trouble that Ali had at the last school. She didn't have kids teasing her all the time, so she had an easier time of it there. 

Becca is a whole different ball game. She was used to higher standards. She had teachers who took GATE seriously and did quite a bit of project based learning and encouraged her in many different ways. Her new school's only class that is considered "advanced" is Algebra I for 8th graders. I went to her open house and the science teacher went over the different things that they were going to be doing that year, projects that would be really fun, but Becca sat next to me and said, "I did that last year" over and over. There wasn't a single project that had not been covered last year in either her science class or her MESA Math class. It's been difficult keeping her motivated. Her English class is the worst. Writing assignments are few and far between. I think there has only been 2 this year. The teacher assigns AR tests to keep track of the student's reading (multiple choice, 10 question tests about each book...it's stupid). There is no room for creative expression in his class. His quizzes and tests are vocabulary and spelling. When I had a parent teacher conference and told him, in the nicest way possible that my daughter was bored, he said that she should be getting and A then, but I found that the only reason why she wasn't was because she stopped turning stuff in. She would do his assignments and they would sit in her backpack. She turned them all in, decided to actually try getting on a computer to take AR tests so she could get scores for those grades, and everything that she has turned in was perfect. She's still bored, but at least she will get a good grade. I gave her a journal for her to write and draw in so she had an outlet. Every bad grade that she has can be attributed to boredom. I told her that it is just one year. High school will have clubs and sports that she can join (there is nothing like that at this school) and she will no longer be bored.

Micah's school is very different as well. He had great grades last year. This year is getting rough. It started with his Engineering class. He did amazing at his last school in engineering. His teacher recognized his innovative mind and gave him the tools to let him run with it while teaching him engineering concepts along the way. Don't get me wrong, the first few months of that class were horrible until the teacher realized how to communicate with Micah and how to get him to express himself in ways that everyone else could understand. By the end, Micah had the highest grade in the difficult class because he was trying and loved it. 

This school has a very different focus for engineering. Now, engineering is a very broad field of study. There are core concepts, but engineers are diverse in application. The old school and the old teacher recognized this, asked the kids about the fields that they were interested in within engineering and allowed for expression and would explain why the core concepts  were important for those fields. When it came to projects, he encouraged expression in the fields of interest within the bounds of the actual assignment. He was growing engineers.

The new school has a different approach. First of all, I have to note that this is a brand new, first year teacher for engineering. He has a plan and really has a hard time with the idea of adapting that plan. He explained to me that he was hired to really help out the robotics team. Micah is in the second level of engineering and they are still learning core concepts, but the application is all within the field of robotics. Micah doesn't like robotics. On top of that, every project in the class is within a group. Group dynamics is not a strength of anyone on the autism spectrum. I should also point out that engineers are not exactly known for their desire to do "group work." This teacher is not growing and equipping these kids for life, he's trying to recruit a robotics team. 

So, as a mom seeing all of this and watching my son fail the class because it isn't the engineering that he was sold on last year, I ask my intelligent son, "Do you want to change your schedule and get out of that class?" Not that I want my kid to have to be successful in everything. I don't care about his GPA because he is planning on attending a 2 year college and just get some certifications for what he wants to do anyway. I just don't want him so frustrated and stretched beyond his limits that he starts to melt down constantly.  

My boy said that he wanted to stick with engineering.

I have to respect his decision even though it's kind of killing me right now. I'm also in the process of waiting for improvement because the teacher seems to be ignoring the adaptations that are very specifically lined out in his IEP. His attitude is that he just doesn't want Micah in his class and at this point Micah knows it and is acting out because of it. It's really making me mad.

I want to step in and scream at people, but the reality is that they just don't know my kid. I quietly send emails and save all of the communication. I gather data and at times, with as little hostility as I can manage quote laws that they are violating. I am working with his case manager who now meets with the engineering teacher to discuss compliance with the IEP.

The grades are not improving. The grades make it look like modifications are not actually being used. I am shadowing him tomorrow. If that does not go well, I am calling an IEP. I will probably call one either way. 

I hate this stuff.

Rest. 

My rest in the middle of this is daily. I am making it a point to actually read something each day. This could mean a million different things, but the rule is that the topic cannot be on the struggle of the day. I can read stuff to help me in the struggle, but it doesn't count as rest.

I'm consuming all kinds of information about rest and slowing down. It has been great.

I'm still having MS issues. I think those issues have more to do with the heat because I moved to the middle of the freaking desert than with stress, though. 

Oh, one more change is coming. I'm very excited about it. My mother is retiring. She is retiring next month. Just a few short weeks and my grandmother, who is not real fond of me anymore, will have someone else to complain to. YAY!

Okay, my mom will be a lot happier too, which means my house will be happier. She has lived tired for far too long, working all day then coming home to care for my grandmother. She gets time off when I can work that out, but it is really hard for me to help her out with that since I have 4 kids and a husband to care for as well. It will be nice to see the division of labor changed so that I can break her when she needs it instead of me breaking her so she can go to work. 

I will also have the break from the house I need as well when I go back to work. I have applied to substitute teach again, but no response. I am probably going to go for some seasonal work for a while when my mom actually retires so I can bring in some money until I figure out what else I want to try. I just don't know yet, but I'm excited to try.

This will not replace my rest. I'm determined that the changes in my life will not take away from my rest. I need it for sanity. The boxes that are still all over my bedroom and filling my garage will not keep me from rest, either. Everything will have it's place eventually...or it will sit there until we move again. I have decided that I will get work done on my timetable and nobody else's. It's not procrastinating if I'm working without a deadline, right? ;-)

Prayer, Packing, and Plans

It's an overwhelming theme in this blog (and my life) that things just don't go as I plan. 

Last time I posted, I talked about having to move, and how that sucks and stuff. I'm over it. I really want to move.

God has a way of making me ready to do things that I don't want to do by cutting away at my comfort zone so that it just doesn't exist anymore.

I should explain. One of the things that really made me want to stay was the school district and Micah's place there. He has an amazing aid and a great team at the school working with him and he is succeeding. It has been a great year. Well, I found out that the district "lost" the papers that I turned in to keep my son at his school even though the high school boundaries are changing. Basically, I was informed that he was leaving that whole situation anyway. I also found out that my son's aid has an internship next year and will be leaving him as well. There went all of my carefully crafted work to put my son in the best situation. All of the plans for his behavior are laid out in an extensive IEP (individual education plan), but the thing is that it would travel to the next school anyway, even if it is out of the district. Micah's plans are going to be different anyway.

Another thing was the Challenger baseball program that I am in charge of needing to continue. Well, this year has been the most challenging for getting people behind our kids. I have had so many difficulties this year in the league that I'm ready to give up. The other teams won't buddy, we only have 9 players, so there's nobody to play against, the other leagues in the area won't travel with Challengers, the coaches are having trouble making it to practices and games, and the team is just losing all spirit. I don't know what to do to make it better, but I feel like it needs to be someone other than me trying. I just can't do it on my own. I am throwing a big party and game for the end of the season, and I hope it turns out well. I can't do much beyond that at this point because we just have nothing left.

As far as my girls go, at this point, I'm not upset about them leaving their schools, though I wouldn't be upset about them staying, either. I'm not totally tied to it either way. I love subbing for the twin's school, and if we move far I won't be doing that, but honestly, with my grandmother's condition, I'm probably not going to be doing much in the way of subbing anyway.

Becca is probably the kid with the shortest straw. She is super involved in everything. ASB at school, cheer at school, praise team at church, and a ton of other things that she just loves doing. When we started this process, I told her that we would look for a place where she might have her own room, but we couldn't say for sure that she would get one. If we get the house I really want (I will get to that later), she won't get her own room. As an 8th grade kid moving to a new school, ASB is probably not an option. Cheer may be, but it depends on the program at the next school and what is done there. She will also be a new kid at a new school again, and she had a horrible time that happened, and that wasn't during puberty. Leaving for her is still a bummer, but life is full of stuff like that, and I just can't fix everything for her. She's learning resilience. 

So many of the things that have been holding me back from liking the idea of moving are just disappearing. While all of this is happening, I'm packing and checking out houses. I'm praying over the move, asking for a place to go where I will love everything. Somewhere where our family can function far better than we are currently. We searched, applied, got turned down, and searched again. I really thought that we were going to be stuck between a rock and a hard place, not having a home. We are getting to the point where timelines are starting to be a thing, and June is not going to be a happy time if we have nowhere to go. 

Yesterday my mom and I went to take a look at a place in Perris. If you aren't familiar with SoCal, it's just the middle of nowhere. There's a freeway nearby where people speed by this place to get to somewhere else. I wasn't really in love with the idea of this place at first, but I was praying about it, looking into the schools, looking into the programs around there for kids, and everything else, and I wasn't really unhappy with the findings. It's still not far from my in-laws, but not Hemet and quite a bit closer to a freeway making the commute easier for my mom and husband. I also have a good friend who lives even further into the middle of nowhere, but nearby where we would be, so that makes me very excited. Then we looked at the house. It was like the layout was exactly what we would describe if we were talking about exactly what we were looking for. My mom and I fell in love...and that's not an easy thing for my mom to do. 

This is yesterday. Last night Tony sent in our application online. We are praying so much that God clears the way for us to be there. I will probably be completely heartbroken if we don't get it, but at the moment I am at peace. I'm trusting God that He will take care of it all. 

Rest: Not Possible in This Crazy Life

There are many things that are going on in my life that I have absolutely no control over...and it's driving me crazy.

Of course it's driving me crazy. I'm Supermommie! I have a plan for everything. Almost none of my plans go my way completely, but I feel like I avoid many pitfalls because of planning.

There are just some things that are not avoidable.

We are moving. The timing stinks, but for reasons that are beyond my control and not really anything that I want to explain, we are moving now.

Here's the weird part about this: I don't know when, but I know it's soon. The house is up for sale and we already have an offer, it's just a mound of paperwork to get it all done properly, so the timeline isn't really certain. The other uncomfortable thing is that we don't know where we are going. Not with any real certainty.

There is a house for rent the size that we need still within the school district that I want that is within our budget. That's right A house. As in one. One single house that actually keeps me where I want to be. I don't like the look of the house, the neighborhood isn't the best (though my neighborhood now isn't awesome either), but I won't have to disrupt my kids' schooling. That's huge. I'd do many things not to have to change that.

You see, I have been working with this school district since my high schooler was in preschool. We have gone round and round, getting him set up with everything he needs and now, due to circumstances beyond my control, I am likely going to have to start over with a new school, a new district, and a new bunch of people who just don't know my kid. That scares the crap out of me.

Honestly, my girls will adapt, but my son is not that easy. He has an IEP that would make most special needs parents jealous. I have worked my butt off to make that thing the best document possible for my son, and to leave the district now is just plain stupid.

So, we have all this stuff happening with the house, which means I'm packing daily, though I'm still caring for my grandmother. I don't like packing and caring for my grandmother isn't my favorite task either, so it's kind of a rough day every day for me right now.

Then my mom's car broke down while I was driving it home from taking my girls to the rehearsal for their musical. We decided after a long examination of the vehicle that it wasn't worth salvaging. It's now sitting in front of my house waiting for us to figure out how to get rid of it...when we have time.

Our savings for the move had to be dipped into to get a down payment for another vehicle. Hooray! we have a bigger van for our trip!

We are still doing the cross country road trip. We have already paid for the reservations, bought scrip for the gas, so we are going. Good thing I already planned most of it out.

Back to moving. If we don't get that house in the right place, then there is a good chance of a long commute for those still working. That means that the good car goes to them. Boo. Oh, and it also means that I have no backup from my mom or Tony if some emergency arises. MS, Grandma, autism, or something going wrong with the girls and I have to have backup that isn't 45 minutes away. This means moving closer to my in-laws.

I love my in-laws, but they live in Hemet. Hemet is within our price range and there are many houses for rent out there that are the size and accessibility that we need. Hemet, from many different perspectives, is the logical choice.

I don't want to move to Hemet.

I don't want to change schools for my boy. The middle schools out there fail miserably on every rating that there is, so Becca is going to have a harder time.  It's hot. It's the desert. I just don't wanna!

Sorry. That was whining.

I already live 20 minutes away from my church, going to a 45 minute drive just isn't going to happen, so there's another change. I absolutely abhor church shopping. It's the worst thing when you have a person in your family with special needs. Last time we did that we were literally told in some places that there was no place in their church for him. I never want to go through that again.

There are other, minor concerns, like the fact that this is only my second year with the Challenger Division at our local Little League, and if I'm not there to help run it, it may not happen. Tony started a volunteer umpire program there, too. He obviously won't be able to keep that up next year. Honestly, he is one of a small few that is actually pulling for the volunteer program, and he is making it happen. If he's not there next year, it will probably be gone.

Okay, pause for a positive note: We are currently living in a house with 3 bedrooms, a make-shift converted garage, and a trailer out back with 8 people and there's only 1 bathroom. Moving out of this house will be a good thing. We need more space. 950 sq. ft. is just not big enough for all of us. This will be a good change in that way.

I know it doesn't seem like it, but I know that God is caring for us right now. "He has a plan" is my daily chant. I'd love to have a peek at that plan, at least for the next few months of the plan, but that's obviously not going to happen.

My theme of "rest" for this year is obviously one I needed to prepare for this time of trials. I just wish I had the full year to really rest before the crazy began piling up. This week is the worst of it because the girls have their musical this weekend, the last week of Awana, and the twins a huge project for school due Monday. It's all piling up for them, too. At least for them we know when it will all end.

Crazy, huh?  As soon as I have a direction, I know I will feel better. For now I am just going to pack and be there for my family. It's the only thing I really know I have to do.

The Next Great American Road Trip: Gas and Food

Going on a month-long trip, you don't want to run out of gas...ever. Since we are going on this trip as cheap as possible with all the people involved, planning this carefully is really important.

Our church sells scrip gift cards to raise money for youth to go to camp. The gift card savings plan works well for us. Since I'm not working as much now that I'm caring for my grandmother, we have decided to spend most of my last big paycheck on the scrip for gas. I don't want to overspend too much on gas, so it was time for some math.

First I had to figure out how many miles were in the trip. I checked my Furkot map and found that the trip, just getting from one place to another, is 6,549 miles. I decided to add on several miles to make up for any time that we will be spending in different locations. I rounded up to 6,800 miles just to be safe.

I know that my van gets anywhere from 15-26 miles per gallon depending on the type of driving. I decided to do the math at 18 miles per gallon, just to be safe. So at 18 miles per gallon, a 20 gallon tank, and a cost of about $50 per tank of gas in California (probably close to the most expensive place on the trip to get gas if not the most expensive), I figured it at around $950 for gas.

So, if I'm getting scrip and not just paying for the gas in cash, I need to figure out what gas stations there are along the way. I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. I want to make sure that I can get gas everywhere, so I am getting gas cards for the companies that are actually there. Furkot has an option to look along the route for the gas stations and prices, so I looked all along my route to see which companies and which ones are the least expensive along the way. Pilot and Flying J are all along major interstates. I get a good amount of scrip for them. Fortunately, the card works for both places. Other than those, I got a variety of other companies that are along the route.

As far as food, we are staying at several different places and therefore there will be a variety of cooking abilities depending on the stop. For example, where we are camping, our options differ from when we are in a hotel room. However, the condos we are renting in various locations along the way will have multiple options for cooking. There will also be times when we will need to get out and just go to a restaurant, especially where we find a place that we are excited to try.

My girls are major Food Network Nuts. Seriously, they yell at the television like a football game when a cooking competition is on. So when I tell them that we are going on a cross country road trip, you'd better believe they are doing their own research. Becca is the most involved in this process. Her birthday will be during the trip, so she especially wants to make sure she gets to go somewhere special that evening. Fortunately, we will be hitting Denver that day, so she has several options that are right up her culinary alley. I'm excited to see what she chooses.

All that being said, I'm still working with a budget and we have to be able to eat for the whole trip. Planning is essential so that I can make sure everyone can eat.

On top of this, my mom is diabetic, my grandma has a few dietary limitations that come with her medications, and my son is gluten free and casien free. We never let the dietary restrictions stop us from experiences, planning solves most problems, but they are factors to take into account.

I was thinking about doing something like I had done with the gas, but I am worried that we may need a bit more flexibility when it comes to food, so I am going to limit that option a bit. I'm still getting a few cards for some places to get groceries, but not as many, as I want to be able to taste local flavors. One of my favorite things to do when traveling is to go to farmer's markets and local places to get ingredients. It is a great way to experience the location where you are visiting using another of your senses and support the local small businesses. I can't do that with scrip, so flexibility requires more savings and more planning. It also means that I have to make sure that I have a bit more money available than what we would normally spend on food in a regular month. It's going to be a bit more difficult since I can't work as many hours as I would have before I had to care for my grandmother all the time, but I think we can still pull it off.

Snacks and stuff like that is for a whole other blog, so I think I'll touch on food again later. Stay tuned!

The Next Great American Road Trip: Plans Change Again and Reservations Complete

Now that my grandmother is out of the rehab facility and back in our daily lives, it makes things harder daily, but planning our trip is much easier.

My daily life changed significantly when I cut back my work schedule dramatically so that someone would be with my grandma all the time...mainly me. Don't get me wrong, my mom takes the night shift most nights (tonight I am on it because she just needs to sleep better for a night), and she fields the phone calls and sets up appointments. She's making the hard calls and I'm just there to make sure everything is run smoothly during the day.

All that being said, being a substitute teacher means I can work 2-3 days a month when my mom is off and still have a job. It's not ideal, but I like my job, so keeping it and still caring for family is important to me.

Back to road trip planning, though. The daily life makes things change with the road trip. It means I don't have an income that I can rely on to save for expenses during our travels. It means that some of the trip will have to be a bit different and less expensive.

The thing is that my grandmother is still coming with us. We still have some things that she can and can't do to figure out...and some things for her are not super cheap.

Last time we hit more camp sites and fewer hotels. This time we are only camping twice, for 2 night stretches each.  It's going to spoil my kids and cost way more money, but we gotta do what we gotta do for my grandma. My mom is happier to tent camp less, too, but it really isn't about her.

We have her new custom fit wheelchair, not an electric chair this time, so the whole hitch on the back of my van is going to be unnecessary now, so that takes something off the budget. The next thing I have to do is figure out how to haul that thing. It fits in my back of my van, but not with a bunch of stuff in with it. The other thing is that I wanted to bring a few bikes with us, and our bike carrier goes on the back of the van. I don't want to have to take the bikes off every time I get the wheelchair out. I'm working on a plan to see if the wheelchair will hook securely on the bike carrier. If so, it has space for 4 bikes, I'm hoping to get 2-3 bikes on the carrier with the wheelchair and pack it alll that way. I would then pack camping gear on the bottom of my trunk space, then put things on top that my kids will want to get to during the ride and basically have that storage be accessed only when necessary.

I also bought a car top carrier so that we could pack some things up top. This will help with carrying all the things that are extra for having my grandmother with us.

Last road trip, my kids were smaller. It was back in 2012, so Micah was 10, almost 11, Becca 8, turning 9, and the twins were 5, almost 6. Now I have a 14, almost 15 year old, a 12, almost 13 year old, and 2 9, almost 10 year olds. The size difference is significant. Space in the car is going to be at a premium. Having the space to get everything we need to bring along the way is going to take some Time Lord science (bigger on the inside for those unfamiliar with the Doctor Who reference). I will probably blog more on that later, once I get more organizing ideas.
After a long time and a whole lot of research and a help from Furkot, I have all of the reservations for the places to stay. I'm excited to have that all planned (and paid for!).  One step closer!

Rest: The Next Chapter

I keep wondering how far this rest thing is going to go.

The next place it has taken me, though not truly because of my focus, is that I am not working. Well, technically I am, just only a couple of days a month right now.

Huh? I love my job. I'm good at it. It helps pay the bills and gives me a little wiggle room in my budget that we have never had before.

Yeah, then my grandmother got out of the hospital.  Her stroke affected her tremendously. She has to have 24 hour supervision now. Here's the thing: hiring someone to care for her would cost about my salary. Yeah, I'm not working to pay someone to come in to take care of her. She doesn't qualify for assistance since she worked hard all of her life, was frugal and set herself up financially so she wouldn't be a burden to anyone in that way. That's awesome, but I doubt she considered the fact that she would be unable to be physically independent when she and my grandpa planned for this stuff.

Anyway, she needs care, she has family who love her, she's getting care.

I'm not a caretaker type. I had babies, and this is kind of like that in that there is some diaper changing, coming when she cries, holding her when she needs it, and feeding her. Still, my youngest are 9 and I'm kinda over that. Plus it's way grosser as an adult. It's not my first choice to do this kind of thing, and certainly wouldn't have been a career choice for me.

I don't mean to complain. My kids are learning first hand how much family means to me. I'm doing things I really kinda hate because I love my grandmother. I know there were times when she was there for me growing up when she really didn't want to be. I was a horrible child.

If I could change things, I would. If my mom was financially capable of retiring, she would be able to care for my grandmother most of the time and not be as tired all the time. Unfortunately she is a couple of years away from that. Until then, I'm up to bat for a while.

So, it may not seem restful that I am taking on my grandmother's care, but in reality, it's keeping me home and making me focus on slowing down more than I ever have...and kinda driving me nuts after the first week.

I find myself wanting to fill up the extra time at home. I keep contemplating going back to school and getting my masters online or something. That won't help me rest, though. I am still feeling like this call to rest is being forced upon me further.  I'm looking forward to seeing what God will fill the time in my life with as I seek His rest.

Rest

I will be back to the road trip plans another day, but I had to get this off my chest.

I'm not a person who normally makes resolutions at the beginning of the year, but I usually have goals. To be more accurate, I have lived most of my life constantly going from one goal to another and often failing because I have too many things that I want to do. Lately I have felt a void as far as goals are concerned. I keep thinking that I need to do something new, but I have nothing that I am really excited about, so no goals are incredibly appealing to me.

I recently asked myself why I seem to have a lack of goal. It's not that I don't have a purpose, it's just that I am content with who I am and what I am doing. It's a great place to be. I know that I am not without flaws, but overall I think I am okay with my current rate of personal and spiritual growth. That may change, but I'm not looking for a change.

Here's the thing, I just couldn't stand to not have something that replaces a goal. I'm so bothered because I am so goal-oriented. Being content is a good thing, though!

I found my solution. I have decided to give the coming year a word that will help me focus. That word for me this year is "rest."

I don't mean sleeping all the time or being lazy. I mean rest, like in music when the rests make the piece more exciting and unexpected. I mean the rest that is provided by God when we come to Him after a long day of work. It's not lazy, it's not doing nothing, it's rest.

For me, at least right now, that means not taking on more projects than what are currently in my life to fill the quiet moments. It means not taking every project that comes to mind because I think I have the time for it. It means letting go of what I could be doing because I can and doing what I already have in my schedule well and leaving the rests. That's my focus for rest right now. It's not really a "goal" in my brain, but mostly because I am content with my current busy life. When the next exciting thing comes up, I may feel like it is doing work on myself.

I don't know. Maybe I really did just talk myself out of contentment. Still, not resting enough is definitely something that I am often told I should work on.

I really hope that my huge vacation plans for the uear end up going along with the the word "rest."

The Next Great American Road Trip: A Hitch in the Plans

With advance planning, one should always assume that there will be changes in circumstances that will change the plans a bit. This change in circumstances changed things more than a bit.

My grandmother began hallucinating a couple of weeks ago and it was sudden and strange. She has done this before and kind of snapped out of it after we got her to eat and drink more, but this time it just didn't work. Then she fell. We took her to the hospital and we discovered that she had a stroke. She was there a while, and they really wanted to monitor her more to see what kind of recovery she may have, but of course, you can't stay in the hospital forever. She was sent to a rehab facility that she has been in before that we loved, and there she will be getting physical therapy and monitoring. She can't stay there forever, either. She loves the place, but at $8,000 a month, she can't afford more than what her insurance will cover. No more than 100 days. We hope that she recovers, but only God knows whether she will.

Anyway, that changes the road trip. Honestly, we don't care much about the hallucinations. We know where they are coming from and my kids are used to ignoring some of the things she says. They are so flexible and good with her. It comes from having Micah around to show them that not everyone thinks in the same way and being in your own world is just relaxing sometimes. If she is hallucinating, that doesn't change much, just makes our plans a bit more complicated. She doesn't get around without help, so she won't run off or anything. The plans change with mobility. She firmly believes that she has broken her hip. The x-rays say otherwise, but she is still obviously in pain. Weird for a lady with neuropathy so bad she can't feel much more than pressure anywhere on her body. When she last actually broke something it was her knee and she didn't feel it at all.

In order for her to go with us, she has to be able to get in and out of my car. That's it. That means that the physical therapist has to convince her that she is okay, get her up and about so that she doesn't lose the mobility she has, and get her to try again. I don't care if she calls me George or berates my parenting skills to my mother (who she often calls "Nurse") when I'm not there.

If she doesn't come, the expense of getting her care for the month will have to be added to the budget concerns. I'd say it changes the way that we will sleep places, but in reality we can't wait for her to get better or not to make reservations, so we will be staying in places that will work for her anyway. It will make my mom more comfortable anyway.

Well, all that assumes that someone other than me (I don't have a say in this nor do I want one) doesn't decide that she needs more 24 hour care than we can give her at my house and she moves from the rehab place to somewhere with a nursing staff anyway. That would break my grandmother's heart (assuming that she knows where she is anyway) and my mom's.

Okay, so there's the hitch in the plans. Pretty huge, right? I know it is a huge undertaking to bring my grandmother along anyway, but it's just not a relief to plan for the conditions that would exist if she doesn't come.

The Next Great American Road Trip: Budget and Maps

One huge consideration for us when planning this road trip is the budget. I believe, based on my experience with these things in the past, that the more comprehensive the plan is, the more I can afford it. Still, I'm me, and my mom is who she is, so there has to be room for spontaneity. I can plan for that.

We'd already decided that we needed to use my van to go across the country so that my grandma could practice getting in and out with no surprises.  This means that I had to figure out how to make my van work for another cross country adventure. It's the same van we used last time, so it has a lot of miles and is starting to show it's age. It's only a 2010, so I don't really have a whole lot of trouble with it, but it definitely needs some love if it is going to make it across the country, so I have to budget for that.

The next thing is that packing for the first great adventure was difficult, adding another person who has mobility equipment that she requires is near impossible if I don't make some changes. We decided that we needed to put a tow hitch on the back of the van and get a small utility trailer to bring stuff on, namely the electric wheels that my grandma uses. I also have to figure the space that was inside the van from my kids being smaller and all the things that we could get away with packing around them. It's just not going to work to do that again (as much...I'll probably still have some stuff stuffed in places, but still giving ample room). The trailer should give us enough room, depending on what I find to use. Looking for cheap but sturdy stuff isn't going to be really easy I'm finding.

The next thing we have to plan for that is different from the last trip that will have an effect on the budget is the way that mobility issues will change the way that we stop for the night along the way. Last time we did quite a bit of tent camping with an occasional stay at one of my mom's vacation resorts. This time we have to add in some hotel stays and less tent camping. I'm working on the ability to tent camp with my grandma (she's game as long as she is capable), but I have to plan for the hotels in case the tent camping doesn't work out as an option. If you've ever tent camped you know the significant difference in price of the trip. I was working out one stop and the difference there was $29 for the tent camp site vs. $170 for the hotel room with an ADA room. It's not pretty, but I'm working on it. Like I said, with enough planning time, I can afford anything. It's the benefit of working as a substitute teacher, I just have to be more willing to work more often.

Then we have Micah's need to run and escape the small car filled with a couple of people who can't handle stemming for a long time. It doesn't seem like it will effect the budget, but my plans for meltdown prevention usually do.  We know from last time and the train debacle of this last year's summer youth camp with church (don't ask) that moving vehicles and Micah's slumber do not mix well. Honestly, I don't blame him, I don't sleep well in a moving vehicle either. Lack of sleep affects mood. I want to prevent some of the meltdowns that happened last time in a safer space (though my mom lost it last trip, and she is generally extremely patient). Now that we know that, there will be more stops this time, and especially stops that require physical exertion on the part of the boy. For one thing, I will be taking my bike, so I can keep up with him on runs that will be planned on our trip. Will this alter the budget? Oh, yeah. More stops means more money for overnight stays, which means I really have to figure out how to make those stops cheaper or work even more days that I wouldn't have.

So, since stops along the way are so important for the budget, I decided to go ahead and stop to make the map. I feel like the map is going to determine the budget more than the budget is going to determine the map. For this I looked for a tool online that can help me plan the route and find the stops along the way. I found the easiest tool for what I wanted to do, was to use Furkot. It saves and plans my trip, even telling me what time it will be when I reach a destination, and showed me some fun places to visit along the way. It's easy to use and save the info, and when I finalize the plans it even has a way to make reservations through links on the map. I probably won't use that last feature much, what with the stops at my mom's vacation resort and possibly camping stops (not a reservation option).

 We knew that we wanted to take a northern route across the USA this time. We did a southern route last time, and honestly, I've done that a few times in my life, but never did the northern trip. I want to do it for myself as much as anybody. I like the idea of going to places I have never been taking my kids.

Another thing that is determining some of the map and budget is our desire to hit several national parks. Ali and Zoe, since they are in the 4th grade, qualify for the Every Kid in a Park pass that just came out this year. It allows 4th graders and their families to go into all national parks for free for a whole year. Thanks Obama! I decided that we would hit Yellowstone for sure, and I would see what else happened after I studied a map for a while. The next place I was sure we would go was Mount Rushmore. With Zoe's president obsession (for real, she wants to know everything historical, but especially the US presidents), I decided that it was a must. Beyond that I was kind of lost. I just studied the map for a while, then I started looking up road trip blogs and searched Pinterest for ideas. I think I have a pretty good start on a route, but I don't want to set things in stone until I start really working on reservations. I'm just looking at websites for costs still and making a budget.

I'll definitely go into more plans that are going into the map on a later blog. I'm still searching for ideas and thinking about the budget. The rest is still pretty up in the air.

The Next Great American Road Trip: Early Planning Stages

Next summer my mom, my grandma, my kids, and I are going on a cross-country road trip.

Why in the world would I want to take all of us on this crazy adventure? Well, I'm a little crazy...okay, more than a little.

You see, after our last road trip was such a huge success, I just started thinking of what we could do the next time. I love a good adventure with my kids, and there is just so much that I learned in my childhood from the road trips and camping that we did, I just want my kids to learn all that too. Just because my kids are in public school doesn't mean that they are limited in the experiences that they should have in their childhood compared to mine as a homeschooled kid. We just have to do a lot of our traveling in the summer.

In California, 5th grade history focuses on America. The twins will be going into 5th grade next year, so I thought that it's the right time to do an American history road trip so my kids can have memories of where the places that they learn about in history actually are before they read about it in a textbook.  Cool, right? For Micah and Becca, it will be the other way around, seeing the places that they have already learned about in school, and giving them a personal memory to solidify the things that they have already learned about.

So that was the idea. Next came presenting it to the other adults in the house.  Tony's biggest problem with road trips is work. He just doesn't have the vacation time to come on the whole trip. We decided that we needed to make compromise. He is going to fly out for the week that we are on the east coast. It's right in the middle of Little League All Star stuff, but he's willing to give that up for the vacation with his family. The thing is, if he gets the World Series or Regional games to umpire that he has applied for, he will basically be running himself out of vacation time for the year in the very beginning. It's kind of a stretch, but we will make due.

My mom is an easy sell. She NEVER takes vacation unless she absolutely needs/wants to. She also gets a whole lot more vacation time than Tony does at her job, so she has a ton of hours coming to her. She wants to take a whole month off? It really isn't a problem as long as her supervisor has enough notice.

My grandma is a whole 'nother matter. You see, until recently she has been almost completely bedridden in my house a year, then like 6 months before that in a rehab place because she fell and broke her leg. It takes a while for a woman over 90 to heal. She is finally getting around a little. We recently figured out that she is able to get in and out (with help) of my van fairly well. This means she can go places, which makes taking care of her a whole lot easier.  Here's the thing, though: we still take care of her. Arthritis is getting the best of her hands and she just can't cook for herself or even write anymore. If you know my grandma, you know that she was an avid writer and sent cards constantly to everyone she knows (hundreds of people) around the world all the time. The fact that she is physically unable to do this has had her pretty down for a while. Basically, all she has done for the last year is sit in bed and watch TV. That is so not her personality in any way.

All that being said, my grandma needs to get out, we can't leave her by herself at home, so she is coming with us. Good times.

The scariest thing about this is that she and Micah don't always get along. If he is going through a rough day, she can't handle it. She starts yelling at him, he escalates, and everything gets rougher. This means that my plans have to include the ability for Micah to get out and run, and we definitely need times when they will be away from each other, even if they are close for a long time in the car.

This also means that my van will be extremely full. Last time we did this, my kids were smaller and they also had an empty seat. This time, we are going to be looking into a small utility trailer for the van to hold stuff so that we don't have to be packed in just the inside of the van. This also allows us to bring my grandmother's power chair, so that will make going places with her a lot easier on everyone.

Okay, so, all that crazy stuff is happening! AHH!  I'm excited! It's a fun thing to plan the logistics of everything. I'm glad I have several months to do it. We have so much to do to prepare!

Substitute Teaching and Grandma

Yesterday was my first day as a Substitute Teacher. 

I am subbing for an RSP teacher at the high school.  It's not a hard job to sub for this teacher, but I'm sure that her job has quite a bit of paperwork involved.  Her last period is IEP...I can't really step in there, so I wait in the office to see if there is something else that I can do. Yesterday I had about 5 minutes of work gathering students in PE until a teacher showed up from a meeting she was in.

Other than that, the RSP teacher is in collaboration with other teachers except for one period where she has the learning center. There she has an aid and yesterday she asked a guest speaker to come in. All I had to do in there was roll.

I know that there are days when work will be hard, but so far I am just working hard to stay awake.

After the whole day of sitting,  I got home to my mom coming in and informing us that our time table as far as my grandma moving in is concerned has been moved up. She will be home next Wednesday.

Okay.

So here I sit at the school again, feeling like I'm wasting time and space while the clock is ticking on prep work for my grandmother's move in. It's just not good.
On top of all that, Becca has a softball end of season party tonight and a game tomorrow that she has to bring snacks for, the twins have cheer tomorrow, and someone has to get them everywhere they need to be prepared for everything.

Can you feel my frustration?

I know I'm not alone. Tony and my mom are going to be doing quite a bit of work this weekend. It's not just me. Still,  I feel the need to do more. I am stressed because I feel like I'm not doing anything.  It's not good because stress doesn't jive with MS.

This day will be over soon. The week will pass. Things will be calm again. God has this under control.

I'll just continue to say this to myself over and over.

Entitlement and Groceries

I discovered something about my son yesterday. He hates the attitude of entitlement in many disabled people.

Before I tell the story, I should explain that Micah doesn't define "disabled" as a lack of ability. He uses the word as more of a group designation. He has heard the word applied to many people in his life who have incredible abilities.  He has heard it applied to him and he doesn't feel limited. For him "disabled" mostly means that you get a close parking spot.

All that being said, you can understand his lack of patience with people who use the word "disabled" to mean that they should get away with things that don't follow the rules of polite society.

Yesterday we were in an especially long line in the grocery store, and a gentleman in a wheelchair was slowly making his way through the line behind us with his huge cart full of groceries asking people if he could go in front of them because he was disabled. The man was in a wheelchair. One leg was missing, but other than that, by all appearances he was fine. Of course, we all know that there could have been many other things happening in his life and health, even though they did not show.

Micah didn't care.

He normally isn't so terribly insensitive, but I could tell that this guy was on his nerves. He came up behind us and said, "excuse me, could I go ahead of you? I'm disabled." This was the same thing he had said to 4 people behind us who were only holding a few things compared to his huge full cart. Micah wasn't having it. He turned and said "no. I'm disabled.  I stay in line."

Now, if you know me, you know I don't usually put up with rudeness in my kid. I teach compassion in these moments rather than allowing him to continue with the tirade. My problem was that the man decided at that moment to inform me in a very profane way that my child was a horrible person and I was a terrible mother.

I just about lost it.

Thank God they opened another checkout lane right then and asked us if we wanted to switch.  I said, "no thanks. We will stay in our line." The man in the wheelchair said, "well I'll go. At least someone will give me the treatment a disabled person deserves."

He kept talking very loudly through the whole transaction about rude children and terrible parents and the end of civilization (I paraphrase). I just held my boy who was very tense through the whole thing.

We made it up to the front of the line soon after and the man was still there waiting for someone to help him take his groceries to his car. The checkers were apologetic, we shop there quite a bit and they all recognize Micah. They were just trying to diffuse the situation. 

The point that made me so proud was when my boy went up to the bagger and asked if he could bag after the bagger was told that he should go help the man to his car after bagging our stuff. He wasn't mad at the man for needing help, he was mad at him for demanding special treatment. The lady behind us observed my boy and said, "oh, he just gave me chills. He's obviously a great kid. That guy is crazy."

I had a good discussion with Micah in the car afterwards. He was mad about the guy cutting in line while sitting. We talked about not being able to see some pain and stuff in others and always being kind even when people are rude or mean. He said, "I know. I bagged."

Yeah, my kid was rude, but then he tried to be kind. I don't know everything that goes on in his head, but now I know another button that should not be pushed.

Can My Life Get Crazier?

I was helping my mom with apartment hunting last week for my grandma. You see, once my grandma gets out of the rehab facility, she will be unable to stay at her apartment because it just isn't wheelchair accessible. My grandma isn't walking anymore. Apartment hunting was a bust. she's on a couple of 2 year waiting lists, but that is obviously not going to work. 

So where is the solution? Some would say a nursing home. For many reasons that isn't an option for my grandma. The next place available is to live with us. 

What? In my tiny 900 square foot 3 bedroom house that already has 6 people living in it? Yep. So my mom (who was with my grandma) and my grandma are moving in here. Yeah, that means 8 people. 

My one bathroom won't cut it.

The appeal of this house when we first bought it was the attached garage that is partially converted. There's no permits involved, so the whole thing isn't really legally more than a garage, but it does have a small bathroom that we have never used because it needs ventilation to make it legal...and ventilation is very important to me in a bathroom.

The girls have been staying in the garage because there is plenty of room for their two beds (a bunk and a loft) and everything else that goes along with three girls. Now they are moving back to the room in the house that was reserved for my mom (who technically on paper still lives here) and I was using it for an office.

So much for the extra space.

All 3 girls will be in the little room along with my mother, who has said very emphatically that she would rather live in a tiny room with them rather than with her mother.  This will be temporary until we get a travel trailer or something for my mother to live in in our backyard. She really likes that idea and is willing to wait to get it.

The advantage of my house is that since I came home from my own rehab experience in a wheelchair due to my MS, most of my house is already wheelchair accessible...except the garage. Why put my grandma in the garage? Nobody wants to put a hospital bed in a room down my long hallway, the air conditioner in the garage can be set differently than the rest of the house, and she needs way more room for all her stuff. She is, after all, moving from a 3 bedroom apartment to a one room garage. It will also be easy to make the bathroom in there more suitable for her needs.  My main bathroom won't work for her yet.

So, if you know me and have ever been to my house, you know that I'm not an organizational guru. For reals. Far from it. I am also a terrible housewife. I suck big time at regular cleaning and move to my own little beat as far as that goes...and that won't work for my grandma. Sure, I'm a great mom. I pour myself into my family and I know it shows in the people my kids are becoming. Still, I have one huge fault. I'm a mess. 

This mess is what I am dealing with this week to get my grandma moved in. After the mess comes the construction. After at least part of the construction comes the general moving in Grandma's stuff. Then we get Grandma.

I have a lot of work to do.  The girls are already on Thanksgiving break. While I know that their hands will be helpful, I also know that they are kids and I want them to have the time off to be kids, too. This week that will mean playing in the yard quite a bit so they are out of my way.

In the middle of all this, I got a phone call. I am in the system now to substitute teach. This week is only the secondary for the district, but I can do that if I'm available. I don't know how to do this, but I know that our family could use the money, so I'm going to be trying to figure it out. 

So, if I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, do they all have to happen at once?  Good thing I don't have to control them all.