3 am

I know what time it is. I have known what time it is every 10 minutes for the past several hours. I am still awake.

The people next door who have their parties until 2 am all the time are already in bed.

I can't sleep.

I feel awful.

I'm starting to cry.

I don't want to wake anyone, so I blog. You can read my feelings from this time at a decent hour of the day. No one wants to be awake at 3 am.

Sorry if this sounds horrible, it is 3 am, though.

I'm sitting here, finally able to see well, reading up on MS and scaring myself out of my mind. I know, not a great topic for reading when I have insomnia, but that is what is on my mind. I could read something incredibly boring in the hopes that I will fall asleep, and that has worked in the past, but since I just regained the ability to read well, my first inclination is not to pick up a book that I really have no interest in.

My heart says that I should probably be conversing with the Creator right now, especially since He is the One who knows everything that is going on in my body and controls it and can fix it, but I'm not listening. Why? I don't know. I don't have an excuse. It is the option that makes the most sense.

I should be finding all my favorite Scriptures about peace, and God's control, and His grace and mercy. I should. I need some of those right now. I just don't feel like putting forth the effort. I feel worthless just typing that out, though. I type it here, but I could be typing it on a Bible search engine and sift through and find what I want without even much effort at all.

Maybe I'll do that.

Search

Peace. I know that to type in peace is going to give me a huge number of hits and most of them will not contextually relate to the peace that I am searching for. Still, it is nice to know that when I type in peace in my key word search, there are 247 hits. That's a lot of peace.

Here's another interesting search. Ooh, I like the first hit.

"Do you know how God controls the clouds and makes his lightning flash?" Job 37:15

I'm going to read the whole chapter. Maybe there will be more good stuff.

(pause)

Well, if you put that totally into context, I don't think I wanted that spot. A few chapters away God talks about himself and what He has done, that's pretty cool. Still, Job just isn't peaceful to me at the moment.

I'm done babbling to you now. I'm going to go seek God some more. This lazy search is getting on my nerves. I don't recommend it.

Oh, it's 4 am now...