Tingly Feelings

I know, I'm odd. I just feel tingly, and I thought I'd share. It's that crawling ants feeling that you get when your limb falls asleep from not moving it or something, except it is happening in places that rarely stop moving on me...like my tongue.

Like I said, I know I'm odd.

So, what else is new? No results came back yet for the tests that they have done...well, nothing conclusive anyway. I already knew that my cholesterol was high, but that really doesn't have anything to do with the rest of this stuff that is going on inside me. I go back to see the neurologist Wednesday morning for him to look at results and stuff, plus when I emailed him about the tingly stuff, he said he'd check that out then, too. Hopefully I'll know more after that visit.

I broke down today and did something that I never wanted to do. I called the school district to get Micah started to come home on the bus. I just be relied on to be able to drive him home anymore. I want to cry.

I hate it that I can't do something so simple for my son.

Get up and drive my kid home from school. It seems like no big deal, but it is. It started with I can't see, then it moved on to the numbness and just not being able to trust myself to drive consistently. I have good times, and I have bad. I may be fine one minute, then the next I can't hardly move. It's the worst feeling ever.

Oh, great. The tingly thing went to my face. Ugh.

I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm feeling totally useless. This is not a happy feeling for me. I can't stand not being able to do things. I reject the idea that I can't do something so much that I just try anyway.

Yesterday I went grocery shopping with all my kids because it was something that needed to be done, I was there, and it shouldn't have been a big deal. I went and on the way home, because I overdid things, I had to stop by the side of the road and wait with my kids whining and things melting because there was a moment of disorientation, and I just felt the need to stop and cool down. I handed my cell phone to Becca and reminded her how to use it, just in case something else went wrong. She called her grandma. I should have waited and gone shopping with someone Tony or my mom, but I didn't because I just wanted to be able to handle it by myself. It wasn't any big deal before, but now it is. Grocery shopping.

I could sit and complain for a while. That's what I feel like doing. I'm down.

Today I listened to another mom at Micah's baseball practice complain about her life, and she had some things to complain about, and sometimes we all need to let that kind of stuff out. Still, I kept thinking throughout the whole conversation, where is the positive? Where is the hope? I always have some hope. This woman didn't have any. Of course, I have the Source of all hope in me, and this woman does not. So where is my hope today?

Yesterday I read this Psalm, and bits and pieces keep coming to mind over and over, and I just pray them.

Psalm 86

A prayer of David.

¹ Hear, O LORD, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.

² Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.
You are my God; save your servant
who trusts in you.

³ Have mercy on me, O Lord,
for I call to you all day long.

⁴ Bring joy to your servant,
for to you, O Lord,
I lift up my soul.

⁵ You are forgiving and good, O Lord,
abounding in love to all who call to you.

⁶ Hear my prayer, O LORD;
listen to my cry for mercy.

⁷ In the day of my trouble I will call to you,
for you will answer me.

⁸ Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord;
no deeds can compare with yours.

⁹ All the nations you have made
will come and worship before you, O Lord;
they will bring glory to your name.

¹⁰ For you are great and do marvelous deeds;
you alone are God.

¹¹ Teach me your way, O LORD,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.

¹² I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.

¹³ For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.

¹⁴ The arrogant are attacking me, O God;
a band of ruthless men seeks my life—
men without regard for you.

¹⁵ But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

¹⁶ Turn to me and have mercy on me;
grant your strength to your servant
and save the son of your maidservant.

¹⁷ Give me a sign of your goodness,
that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
for you, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me.

David is always encouraging. His petitions to God always include praise. He claims the attibutes of God and puts his trust in Him. That is what I want to do. I may not have any promises about the state of my body, but God is still in control, and He is good. When I call on Him, He hears. He answers. His answers are always the best. They may not feel like it at the time, but they are.

I want to be able to do things on my own, but for now I have to rely on others. I thought I was taught that lesson sufficiently when I first had the twins. Apparently not.

At the moment I would settle for hope. Hope that one day I can either do things again, or just not be bothered as much by the fact that I am relying on others to do things that I, as Supermommie, should be able to do.

Ok, I'm not really all that super.

My Source of strength is sufficient, though. He just has to keep reminding me that I do not always have to be used in order for Him to accomplish His purpose.

For the moment, my prayer is verse 4. I don't want to be down anymore. Bring on some joy.