On Wednesday I woke up and started reading, and suddenly everything doubled...and then went dark in my right eye. I waited for it to go away, thinking that I needed to clean out my eyes or something. Eye drops, time, and rest didn't make it go away. It lightened a bit, so I decided to go to the optometrist. I knew that I needed a new prescription to get new contacts anyway. So I went, and she couldn't really find anything wrong, so I left, thinking it would probably just go away.
Later that night, my sight went almost completely black. I went to urgent care. The first doctor didn't see anything, so he brought in an ophthalmologist. He took a look, and told me what he thought it was, and told me to come back to see him the next day, so that I could get more tests done.
Yesterday I went partially color blind in my right eye. Things are dark, and my vision is just not clear. Apparently these are all separate functions in the eye, and all of those parts inside my eye look fine. What is going on is behind the eye.
It is not a tumor.
I just thought I'd say that, it fits, and it's a good line from Kindergarten Cop. Anyway, one of the tests I had was to scan my brain to check for that, and MS. I don't have either of those. Basically what is going on is the wires that connect my eyeball to my brain are all swelled up. It has a really long name that I would totally mess up if I tried to type it out. Basically what is going to happen is that my vision might get worse in that eye, and then when the swelling goes down, I get to find out if there is any permanent damage.
I get a choice to take steroids to speed up the process or let it run it's course without speeding it up, but I'm told that decision won't affect the outcome. Whatever damage that is going to happen is going to happen no matter what I decide about the drugs. I don't know if I want to take them. I'm supposed to decide by the time the official results come back from the last of the tests. I get a phone call today. The difference is that the waiting to find out the whole thing will take 2-3 weeks or 2-3 months. I don't like waiting, but the drugs come with possible side affects.
This whole thing made me really upset. I don't like not being able to see well in one eye. Recently I took one of those survey things on facebook and the question was whether I would rather be blind or deaf. Totally an easy decision for me. I'd rather be deaf, I already know sign language, and I wouldn't have to listen to whining anymore. Blind is hard. The thing that relaxes me the most is photography. Can't do that blinded.
It bugs me that it's my right eye. It's the main eye I use in photography. It's dominant for me. I use it a lot. I know, everyone does, but it really bugs that I can't.
I'm winking at you right now. Mostly because it's easier just to close that eye than to try and see through the mess. It gives me a headache.
Still, it's only one eye. I still have my left one. Being totally blind would really be bad. My question would be, can I parent blind? Yeah, I'm Supermommie, but that would be really hard. It's hard enough with only one eye. It's hard enough with two eyes.
So I'm waiting again. Patience is something that God has been working on a lot in my life lately. I think it is requiring a lot of patience from Him teaching me patience. Still, the verse that continues running through my head is Philippians 4:13: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
2 comments:
Did they tell you what caused the swelling??
It all sounds very frustrating...
I've been having a lot of patience lessons over the last year...they are not my favorite :(
Going blind has to be one of my worst nightmares. Everything I do to manage stress is visual. I couldn't read, or paint, or sew. Sigh, I hope you are just having a hormonal shift and the swelling goes down and you are undamaged form the whole thing. I will keep you in my prayers.
Beth Moore gave a very interesting lesson on fear in her Ester study. She said that she has a ton of fear in her life, that she worries constantly. Than one day she asked herself what would she do if it were to happen. She said the key to over coming fear is to follow it through to the end with a then what.
What would she do if her husband really did leave her for a younger woman? She said she would be so mad she would probably throw a tantrum. Than she would probably be so hurt she would lay down and not want to ever get back up again.
Than what? Well than she would probably be forced to get up because God would prod her until she did. Than she would start to read his word again and he would comfort her, than she would be back to her life, moving forward and stronger because God was with her.
So now when I feel overwhelmed and tremble, I force myself to walk down the than what road.
Perhaps you can find comfort in it as well.
Post a Comment