Life on the Spectrum

My son has become increasingly violent with little or no notice. We have resisted the use of drugs for him for a while now, but when my poor Ali came out of her room after a nap only to be attacked (she now sports a yucky bruise), I decided enough was enough. Every time I had tried to put him into the car to go somewhere he didn't want to go, every time something happened that he didn't like, someone has gotten hurt over the past 5 months.

The decision itself is tearing me apart. When I tell people who care what is going on, they tell me not to feel bad about it, but I do. It feels like a failure. I can't do enough for my boy. I feel like a horrible parent right now. Intellectually, I know that it is necessary and that I am just doing what he needs to function, but my heart just won't listen. I just feel failure.

I've never been the parent who gives their kid benedryll because the kid won't sleep. I don't even like to give my kids tylenol. I have always seen drugs as the last resort for anything. Behavior meds have always meant that the kid needs more consistant dicipline to me, and that if the parent would just try harder and be more comitted, the kid wouldn't need the drugs. So here I am. Consistancy is how we do things...to the point of boring. I have spanked, time-out-ed, positively reinforced, re-directed, and bribed my life away trying to figure out something that would work. My kids are all really well-behaved, except when something upsets Micah. It just seems like he doesn't know any other way to get his point across besides violence.

So, I gave him the drugs. Last night was his first dose. I cry when I think about it. This morning he woke up and has been so tired all day. I don't want a zombie. I want Micah back. The kid who used to try new things with numbers just for kicks. The kid who knows all of his multiplication tables and wants to learn more algebra. The kid who hacks onto my computer and deletes files because he thinks it's funny to empty the recycle bin (ok, I could do without that). The kid who tells knock-knock jokes when reciting verses in Awana. I want Micah. I just don't want my boy to be angry all the time. I don't want my girls to leave the room when he wants to play in there because they are afraid they will make a sound that he doesn't like and set him off. I want my boy back.

If you are inclined to look down on me for giving him this medication, honestly, I don't blame you. I've been there. Still, you don't know me if you think that I am doing this to make my life easier. Honestly, at the moment, it's only making my life worse. I'm hoping that it makes his life better, though. I hope it makes my girls' lives better. If it doesn't, then we will move on to something else. I don't think he will be on meds forever, and we will continue to do everything to work on skills that will help him should we take him off the medicine, but for now this is where we are.

Picture time!

This week I started on a cool project for photography class. I thought I'd share:
This is probably the most fun I've had with homework since I took speech. Yep, I loved that class. I'm odd, I know. Here's another shot, but I don't know if I will be able to use it for class. It's a good shot, but not really right for the assignment.
I don't actually like the class itself, but the assignments are fun. The instructor is kinda boring (though I don't know how to make camera equipment exciting, either). Also, since the class is really for anyone, we have to go slowly, step-by-step through everything like downloading pictures and how to crop and stuff. I know that stuff, so going through that so slowly is really irritating sometimes. Still, I understand the need to teach it slowly because there were people in the class getting lost still. I just got done with what I was doing and started to play with my pictures. It's nice to have the full version of photoshop at your fingertips. Still, I had to work with a Mac. Not that I have anything against Mac, I just don't know the OS like I do windows. I am still learning Vista on my mom's computer. My main problem is that I keep pressing the control key instead of the Apple key. It isn't really bad, though. It's probably the lack of a right click that really bothers me. Still, it just takes getting used to. The Photoshop stuff is really nice. I realized that I needed to change some settings on my camera to use some of it, though. Now I get why setting the quality really high is a good thing, though I probably won't use it after this class much because I don't have the money to spend on the cool programs to do all that stuff with the pictures. Not to mention the awesome printer to go along with it.
I still need to work on my project. I will probably be working less with my kids for the rest of it, though. They are not always the best models for getting my homework done. They are cute, though. Maybe I'll use some of their artwork for some of it. Hmmm...

So I was looking for a verse about pictures, and I saw an interesting verse in Ezekiel (8:10), but it really wasn't the right tone, and comlpetely out of context (but if you look it up, you will probably laugh). So I went to image, and here's a good one:
"Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.""
Genesis 1:26

What's going on?

Here I sit with my busted ankle watching cartoons with the twins, wondering when the last time was that I blogged. It seems like so long ago because of all the things that have gone on in the past week.

Monday morning I took my son into see the doctor because he woke up with his eye swelling up looking like Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Except it's the other eye...and it was almost completely closed. I took him to his doctor and she kept going back and forth about wanting to admit him to the hospital it was so bad. She decided against admitting him only because the twins had an appointment with her the next morning, so she could observe him then. She gave him a strong antibiotic and sent us home with strict instructions to come back if he got worse.

Fast forward a few hours.

After dinner, Micah went to go play in his room and came out with his leg swollen up looking like his knee came out of socket. Rush to the emergency room only to find out that he had a couple of bug bites that didn't go well with the antibiotic. Benedryl and sleep. I wondered if he had gotten bit by something in his sleep near his eye, but in the morning, the eye swelled up bigger, and the bug bites were practically gone.

We went to the doctor on Tuesday for the twins, and they are fine...well the doctor kept saying how smart they are, pretty much because my barely two-year-olds can hold a full conversation with you. Still, she took one look at Micah and said I need to check him in and get a shot, and maybe admit him...again. Well, she didn't admit him, but told me to bring him back the next day.

Wednesday, Micah has a horrible headache when he wakes up, but his eye looks a little better. We go see his doctor again, and she says that he still needs another shot. Now, if you are a parent, you know that it's difficult for kids to get shots. Take that difficulty and multiply it by 10. It literally takes 4 people to give Micah shots, especially when he had one the day before. I have made the mistake in the past to play down the shot, but that wasn't happening again. The shot on Tuesday took 4 people (one at the head, two at the legs, one to give the shot), and I took the upper body so that I could tell him what was going to happen. We started with just me and the nurse, but quickly added help. Never underestimate the leg muscles of a bouncer. I told him that he was going to get shots and that it was going to hurt. I firmly believe in telling kids the truth, and when I told him in the past that it would only hurt a little, his tantrums lasted for a couple of days. So I told him it would hurt, but it was medicine to make his eye better so he could see again. He didn't like it, but at least he didn't hold my words against me forever.

Wednesday was worse because he knew how much it hurt, plus he already had a headache. It took 4 people again, but they were prepared. He didn't cooperate, but he didn't tantrum afterward.

I also had an appointment for myself that morning because of my ankle. I got a lovely shot to ease the pain that I had, and some better meds for all the time. I don't have to be either loopy or in pain now. I also don't have to have crutches. I have a walking boot cast thing. It comes off so I can shower, but it works like a cast. It's nice. I don't have to hobble around on crutches not being able to take my kids places by myself because I can't hold onto them.

This afternoon I have a meeting here at the house about Micah, so I should probably be cleaning, but I wouldn't be getting much of that done right now either because I keep having to answer the phone all the time.

What else happened? Micah looked good enough to go to school on Thursday, but he had a headache so did really bad. He was supposed ot be mainstreaming last week but we put it off to this week because of all the missed school. By Friday Micah felt better and did fine at school. This morning I got him to school and found out that there was a sub on his first day of mainstreaming. That's really not good. He really doesn't like this sub. I kinda understand, I don't like her either.

Becca has picture day today. She was very excited. She wanted her hair done like a cheerleader (pigtails), but I decided to do it different because her hair doesn't stay well in pigtails unless I use hairspray, and I just didn't want to do that. I put it up in her next favorite way, and she was fine.

Hmm...what else? AWANA started yesterday. I was running around all afternoon getting things ready. Unfortuanately, our order didn't come in before the beginning of club, so we didn't have all the materials. Still, our directors did what they could, and I was really impressed. Our AWANA staff is awesome. I give so much credit to them for being flexible under some bad circumstances.

What else happened? I went to a...interesting...bridal shower on Saturday for my cousin. Becca is going to be her flower girl. I wish I took her with me, at least I would have had something to do. It was...I don't want to say boring, but I can't think of another word. I knew the family there, but that was about it. The food was good, but I had heartburn later and my mom didn't feel real good. Still, I love my cousin, and went gladly to her shower. I even missed a baby shower for one of the girls who used to be in my sunday school class for her shower. That was kinda a bummer with those being on the same day and time, but I had to go to my family thing.

Well, that's my busy life lately. I did all that hopping around on one foot (well, I had the boot thing, but it sounds impressive to say I was hopping around).

Here's 1 John 4:13-18.

"We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

PBS Kids, mimicking, and stuff

I am one of those weird people who does not pay for television. Well, that's not really true, I did get a digital converter recently, and though I did use the government coupon, I still payed a few bucks for it (I don't have a fuzzy picture at all anymore, though). Still, I don't have a monthly cable or satellite bill. So, while other kids at school care about High School musical, Becca can get excited, but she has never seen it.

When other preschoolers are watching Dora or whatever else comes on that I am not really familiar with, my twins are enjoying Curious George, Sesame Street, Super Why, and a new favorite, Sid the Science Kid. Not that they get to watch a whole lot of tv, anyway. Still, our morning activities do include some cartoons.

I know when my girls go to their grandparent's house, they get their fill of cable (or whatever it is that they have) and I go nuts because they watch stuff like Yo Gabba Gabba (I have no idea if that is spelled right) which is really weird and kinda mind numbing. Becca came home repeating one of the songs from that show and it was banned from my house.

I am not saying that PBS is better all the time (Barney the irritating dinosaur, and that really dumb show, BooBah are evidence of this). I am just saying that even if I had the ability to choose, my kids would probably be watching PBS anyway.

The only thing that I would want to pay for, if I had the money, would be channels like the food network or HGTV. Still, I don't think I could justify the huge cable bill for two channels (though Tony would be all over ESPN, so make that 3) when I wouldn't have time to watch tv anyway.

So I guess that there is at least one benefit to being totally broke. My kids watch tv that does give some knowledge (as evidenced by the fact that Zoe recognizes most of her letters (at least the ones featured on Sesame Street lately) and Ali can sing her alphabet (as well as a few other cute songs). Though the counting stuff is probably more from our car rides where we play several counting games all the time. Their knowlege of colors comes more from their older brother and sister's penchant for leaving crayons out for the twins to color all over things.

I totally believe that kids will repeat what they take in, though, and they take in everything. I ran into this video on godtube recently.

If you go to godtube, you will see some debates about this because people taks stuff too seriously, but what I got out of it is that this kid is mimicking what he obviously sees all the time. While I may not appreciate that type of preaching for myself, I still think it's cool that this kid has taken in so much preaching in his young life that he copys that instead of something that he has seen on tv.

So, here's a good verse that I know I quote a lot (it's even written on the wall of my SS classroom), but it still works:
"Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things." Philippians 4:8

School, politics, and everything else going through my mind at the moment.

Micah is in school! I am so excited to send him to someone else for a few hours every day. Everyone around here was just getting on his nerves all the time, therefore he was getting on everyone else's nerves. He is doing well, but this is only the second day. Let's hope he stays in this good mode at school, at least.

Politics. I hate getting into political debates. Mostly because I tend to get into debates with those who are uneducated about the things that they are arguing about. An intelligent debate is fine, but I have to be in the mood. Having been on pain meds all weekend, then abruptly stopping those meds yesterday so that I could care for my kids, a political debate was not what I really wanted to get into, but when someone says something that is not true about something, I just can't help myself sometimes. Instead of arguing, my statement to the person who was spouting off in an attempt to get attention, I simply stated that she "might want to check her facts about that." Something that one hears on the radio or television is not always acurate. What do I end up doing? Research. Proof of my point (which I didn't even really argue) that her statement was completely inacurate. I don't really even want to give it to this person, she has been attacked enough already, I just had to prove my point to myself. In that process of gaining information, I ran into this very interesting article about Sarah Palin. I should point out that I am neither democrat, nor republican. I don't even sway to one side or the other. If you really want to hear my political views, talk to me in person, because I refuse to post them on the internet. I just don't want anyone to misunderstand me. Oh, and by the way, my husband an I are very different in our political views, so if you know his view don't think that you automatically know my views.

Today, I had my niece over again. Cassidy learned how to get down from Becca's bunk bed! I was so excited. I think she really got mad at me for forcing her to learn such a thing, though. I just refused to go rescue her every ten minutes like she had expected. Now, she has more attitude towards me for making her do it, but she can climb down the ladder. She went to the bathroom for me, too. I'll have all these girls potty trained soon (unless something else happens to get in my way).

My Bible readings this morning were in 1 Peter. I am always convicted of something when I read in 1 Peter. I'd quote some of what I read, but if you are like me, you'd rather read it in your Bible. If you haven't read it lately, I highly recommend it.

Umm...what else is going through my head right now? My newest niece is really cute. This is a picture my sister-in-law posted on myspace of her baby. I want to hold her so bad!

That's about all that is going through my mind right now. Well, that and I really want a pain pill and I wish for a maid, and while I'm dreaming, can everyone in the house take a nap for a while?

What Happened?

I knew that it would be the question of the weekend, and I knew I would be tired of answering it before it was over: "what happened?"

For those of you who don't know, I sprained my ankle. Bad. It hurts. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, and I am taking drugs (the kind the Rx kind...that an actual doctor gave me when I visited him in the urgent care). I don't do that on a normal basis, especially when I have my kids around to see me loopy.

So, what happened? I was up at 3 am (or around there sometime) because Ali was up and needed a cup of milk to get back to sleep. I went into the kitchen, didn't turn on the light because I didn't want to disturb anyone or wake up completely myself (that's why I keep a cup of milk in the fridge at night), but I didn't realize that the books that my grandmother gave the girls for their birthday were all over the kitchen floor, and I slipped on one. I didn't fall all the way down, so no one woke up to come check on me or anything. I got the milk to Ali to calm her down, and checked out my ankle. It was swelling up pretty bad. I got up, took some ibuprofen and tried to sleep. I didn't sleep well. Later that morning, I was still in pain. I had Tony take Becca to ballet practice, but I knew I needed to go to the doctor. Tony got back, took the kids while my mom drove me to the doctor. My husband has many gifts, but sitting in a waiting room with me is not one of them. He is much better at caring for his kids.

So anyway, I got to the urgent care, they sent me to x-ray, and several hours later I find out that I have not broken my ankle, just sprained it. Still, the ankle doesn't heal as fast as other places just simply because of the fact that it is used a lot. I have a minimum of six weeks before it heals, and that's only if I rest. HA!

So now I walk around (or hobble, hop, crawl, etc.) with my leg in a walking cast, which isn't really a cast at all, it's more of a boot. I'm hot. I barely wear shoes, wearing this boot thing is horrible.

Someone asked me what it is like to take care of my kids with my foot in a cast, and I said, "I don't know, I haven't tried it yet." It's true, I'm thanking God for this long weekend because my husband and my mom are around so I can take my drugs and not have to worry about the kids. Tomorrow, though, is back to business. Micah's first day of school is tomorrow, Becca still has school, but I have the twins, and Cassidy. I will make it. I will survive. I can do all things though Christ who strengthens me.

During my misery today while I was at our church's Labor day picnic, I kept thinking about that song, "Trading My Sorrows" by Darrell Evans. I came home, tried to rest, but it just kept running through my head. I decided to google it. I found this interesting article about that song and how it came about. Then I looked up the scripture that is in that song. I decided to read more of that chapter.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. " 2 Corinthians 4:7-12

So, yeah, I'm convicted. I feel awful, but God is at work. I don't know how. Just know that if you see my life right now not falling apart because I lack the ability to even walk properly, it's because God is in control. I'm not. I am nothing, I have nothing, I do nothing without Him. He is my strength.