Worn

I'm tired.  I'm worn out. I desperately need a break.

I sit here in the waiting room at speech therapy. I took my girls to my grandmother's so they could hang out with her. I just needed quiet.

Lately things with Micah have been one fight after another.  We can't get through a day without a meltdown. I know what is happening,  I see all the visible signs: hair growth in all those boy places, pimples,  and the horrible boy smell.

Now, I love teenagers.  They are beginning a difficult part of their lives and I just like being there to share it with them. That is why I work with them at church.

The problem is when you mix puberty with autism and ODD, you get a giant mess.  You think your life was difficult in middle school, imagine Micah's.  I totally sympathize with where he is coming from and it is just hard.

Still, it's hard to be his parent right now, too.

Monday evening he melted down so badly that there was an accident and he ended up under the wheel of a car for a moment. Talk about a total nightmare. We took him to the ER and I waited for news. After several hours they sent him home  saying he had only abrasions.

Wow. Amazing, right? God protected my boy.

Yesterday his elbow began to swell. This morning I had the follow up appointment. They missed something,  but nobody can figure out what. There's something wrong.

He now has a splint and has to see another doctor.

I told the doctor today that a splint would do no good, he won't keep it on, but they didn't want to cast him because of the swelling.  He has taken it off twice this afternoon. I am now the splint police.

Right after the doctor appointment that took all morning, we went to lunch at Wendy's. Micah loves it there. I went to order and sent the kids to a table like I normally do...but it didn't go well. When I came back Micah had his splinted arm around Zoe's neck and I had to rescue her.

Okay, no more alone time, even for a minute with his sisters.

I tried to calm him down while still following through with consequences,  but that wasn't happening at Wendy's. I finally ended up getting Becca to ask them for tops and things so I could get the whole thing to go while I held him down so he didn't hurt anyone else. One lady came up to me and said, "I applaud you, you are doing the right thing and don't let anyone tell you otherwise."  That was nice amidst the stares and mean looks from everyone else there.

I got Micah in the car by some miracle and he stayed and buckled in while screaming.  I think he has learned his lesson, at least for now, about car safety.

I took him home, put the girls in another room, and focused on calming Micah down. After about half an hour, he was finally calm enough to eat.

I let the girls out of their room and Zoe apologized for starting the fight with Micah. Apparently she wanted the same seat as he did. She said the seat was not worth all that.  I just felt bad for her. Nobody should have to have such extreme consequences for something like that.

The next thing I did was call my grandma to let the girls hang out with her instead of staying with us. They needed a break, too.

Next we are going to have dinner with a friend and then Tony is picking him up so I can go to class.

Ar this point I just don't understand why my MS isn't kicking in, except for the prayer that I know is happening for me right now.  The Lord is sustaining me.  It's good because I can't do this. I don't have the strength on my own for anything.  I just want to crawl in a hole for a while,  but I am fighting that urge so hard.

Frustrated

It's the last few classes before graduation. I am working really hard. I'm in the Capstone class, which is supposed to be the basic overview of everything that I learned in the program at CBU.  I have to analyze everything and they have to judge to see if I achieved my goals and the school's goals for the program. For the first week is asking all the questions that I hate.  I'm asking for a degree in Liberal Studies.  This equals teacher in the program.  I'm not looking to be a teacher. 

This provides a problem for every assignment this week. Well, not every one.  The one where I had to share my transcripts with my instructor didn't require an explanation.  Still, I'm expected to write a resume for the job that I want. 

Which job do I want? 

I've been pondering going into ABA, but the more that I think about it, the less I love it. It's a growing field, I can get a well paying job, and it makes sense from the perspective of someone who is just looking at my personality and the amount of money that I need to make. 

I just don't know if it's really for me.

How have I gone through all this work and still not know what's next?  I need someone to just tell me what I should do so I can do it.

I'm a good mom. I know that job. No, I don't know everything, but I know what I need to and I know how to learn more. I don't need a degree to do that, though.  I also already do it.  No resume needed.

The thing that gets me most excited is thinking about ministering to other parents who are struggling.  Not really in the marriage and family therapist way, but in the teaching way.  I think teaching a parenting class would be interesting, but in more of a mentor type capacity.

Recently I was asked for help from a friend of a friend to help the teachers in their church's children's church to work with a boy in the class with autism. It was a thrilling meeting.  Not because they really needed me, honestly, after meeting everyone there I realized that they had everything that they needed to help this boy out in the people in the room.  I was just able to calm some people down and give others support who had the skills and understanding that were necessary for integrating the child. I loved it. I went home thinking, "if I could do that for a living, I would love it."

Another thing that was related more closely to teaching that appealed to me was a job that I observed in a private school. I know that I did not observe all of it, but I did do an observation in a class that was special needs.  Now, it wasn't the first special needs class that I had observed in.  Actually, I observed special ed classes in a couple of other schools for my other classes. This one was different.  The class was so personal.  The teacher was a friend of mine, and I knew that she was a great mentor, but it was like she was personally involved in each of the student's lives. She was.  She knew all of their parents, knew what was happening with them in everything that they did, and she asked them about it.  This was more than a class, and she was more than a teacher.  She also coordinated the IEPs and works as a counselor for the students and a bunch of other things.  She has many hats, is extremely busy, and I loved watching her.  I thought, "if I could do that, I could teach."

One more thing that gets me kind of excited is early intervention.  I know as a mom of a kid with autism how important it is.  The idea of doing everything that I can to set that child up for success in life would be thrilling.  I'm not incredibly stuck on that one, though.  I like the idea, but I'm more of the one who would work with parents to help them set up their child for success. I'm such an advocate for helping parents learn to believe in their child and be the things that their child needs to succeed.

The other thing that has been in my mind since Tony was leaving his job as Children's Pastor was the idea of going into ministry with him. That one is the most scary because we have been burned so much in the past.  Still, when I started a job search the churches looking for someone to work with the family ministries made me think...and get excited.  I just don't know. I hate relying on a church again.  Relying on God is easy(ish), relying on a church is hard.

So.  All that being said, I don't know what to put down as my objective on my resume.  I don't have a dream job. I don't know what to do. I feel like if I choose I won't do what I need to be doing.  I just want God to shine a big spotlight on my "dream job" and have the angels start singing "ahh!" so I know what it is that I should do.