Substitute Teaching and Grandma

Yesterday was my first day as a Substitute Teacher. 

I am subbing for an RSP teacher at the high school.  It's not a hard job to sub for this teacher, but I'm sure that her job has quite a bit of paperwork involved.  Her last period is IEP...I can't really step in there, so I wait in the office to see if there is something else that I can do. Yesterday I had about 5 minutes of work gathering students in PE until a teacher showed up from a meeting she was in.

Other than that, the RSP teacher is in collaboration with other teachers except for one period where she has the learning center. There she has an aid and yesterday she asked a guest speaker to come in. All I had to do in there was roll.

I know that there are days when work will be hard, but so far I am just working hard to stay awake.

After the whole day of sitting,  I got home to my mom coming in and informing us that our time table as far as my grandma moving in is concerned has been moved up. She will be home next Wednesday.

Okay.

So here I sit at the school again, feeling like I'm wasting time and space while the clock is ticking on prep work for my grandmother's move in. It's just not good.
On top of all that, Becca has a softball end of season party tonight and a game tomorrow that she has to bring snacks for, the twins have cheer tomorrow, and someone has to get them everywhere they need to be prepared for everything.

Can you feel my frustration?

I know I'm not alone. Tony and my mom are going to be doing quite a bit of work this weekend. It's not just me. Still,  I feel the need to do more. I am stressed because I feel like I'm not doing anything.  It's not good because stress doesn't jive with MS.

This day will be over soon. The week will pass. Things will be calm again. God has this under control.

I'll just continue to say this to myself over and over.

Entitlement and Groceries

I discovered something about my son yesterday. He hates the attitude of entitlement in many disabled people.

Before I tell the story, I should explain that Micah doesn't define "disabled" as a lack of ability. He uses the word as more of a group designation. He has heard the word applied to many people in his life who have incredible abilities.  He has heard it applied to him and he doesn't feel limited. For him "disabled" mostly means that you get a close parking spot.

All that being said, you can understand his lack of patience with people who use the word "disabled" to mean that they should get away with things that don't follow the rules of polite society.

Yesterday we were in an especially long line in the grocery store, and a gentleman in a wheelchair was slowly making his way through the line behind us with his huge cart full of groceries asking people if he could go in front of them because he was disabled. The man was in a wheelchair. One leg was missing, but other than that, by all appearances he was fine. Of course, we all know that there could have been many other things happening in his life and health, even though they did not show.

Micah didn't care.

He normally isn't so terribly insensitive, but I could tell that this guy was on his nerves. He came up behind us and said, "excuse me, could I go ahead of you? I'm disabled." This was the same thing he had said to 4 people behind us who were only holding a few things compared to his huge full cart. Micah wasn't having it. He turned and said "no. I'm disabled.  I stay in line."

Now, if you know me, you know I don't usually put up with rudeness in my kid. I teach compassion in these moments rather than allowing him to continue with the tirade. My problem was that the man decided at that moment to inform me in a very profane way that my child was a horrible person and I was a terrible mother.

I just about lost it.

Thank God they opened another checkout lane right then and asked us if we wanted to switch.  I said, "no thanks. We will stay in our line." The man in the wheelchair said, "well I'll go. At least someone will give me the treatment a disabled person deserves."

He kept talking very loudly through the whole transaction about rude children and terrible parents and the end of civilization (I paraphrase). I just held my boy who was very tense through the whole thing.

We made it up to the front of the line soon after and the man was still there waiting for someone to help him take his groceries to his car. The checkers were apologetic, we shop there quite a bit and they all recognize Micah. They were just trying to diffuse the situation. 

The point that made me so proud was when my boy went up to the bagger and asked if he could bag after the bagger was told that he should go help the man to his car after bagging our stuff. He wasn't mad at the man for needing help, he was mad at him for demanding special treatment. The lady behind us observed my boy and said, "oh, he just gave me chills. He's obviously a great kid. That guy is crazy."

I had a good discussion with Micah in the car afterwards. He was mad about the guy cutting in line while sitting. We talked about not being able to see some pain and stuff in others and always being kind even when people are rude or mean. He said, "I know. I bagged."

Yeah, my kid was rude, but then he tried to be kind. I don't know everything that goes on in his head, but now I know another button that should not be pushed.

Can My Life Get Crazier?

I was helping my mom with apartment hunting last week for my grandma. You see, once my grandma gets out of the rehab facility, she will be unable to stay at her apartment because it just isn't wheelchair accessible. My grandma isn't walking anymore. Apartment hunting was a bust. she's on a couple of 2 year waiting lists, but that is obviously not going to work. 

So where is the solution? Some would say a nursing home. For many reasons that isn't an option for my grandma. The next place available is to live with us. 

What? In my tiny 900 square foot 3 bedroom house that already has 6 people living in it? Yep. So my mom (who was with my grandma) and my grandma are moving in here. Yeah, that means 8 people. 

My one bathroom won't cut it.

The appeal of this house when we first bought it was the attached garage that is partially converted. There's no permits involved, so the whole thing isn't really legally more than a garage, but it does have a small bathroom that we have never used because it needs ventilation to make it legal...and ventilation is very important to me in a bathroom.

The girls have been staying in the garage because there is plenty of room for their two beds (a bunk and a loft) and everything else that goes along with three girls. Now they are moving back to the room in the house that was reserved for my mom (who technically on paper still lives here) and I was using it for an office.

So much for the extra space.

All 3 girls will be in the little room along with my mother, who has said very emphatically that she would rather live in a tiny room with them rather than with her mother.  This will be temporary until we get a travel trailer or something for my mother to live in in our backyard. She really likes that idea and is willing to wait to get it.

The advantage of my house is that since I came home from my own rehab experience in a wheelchair due to my MS, most of my house is already wheelchair accessible...except the garage. Why put my grandma in the garage? Nobody wants to put a hospital bed in a room down my long hallway, the air conditioner in the garage can be set differently than the rest of the house, and she needs way more room for all her stuff. She is, after all, moving from a 3 bedroom apartment to a one room garage. It will also be easy to make the bathroom in there more suitable for her needs.  My main bathroom won't work for her yet.

So, if you know me and have ever been to my house, you know that I'm not an organizational guru. For reals. Far from it. I am also a terrible housewife. I suck big time at regular cleaning and move to my own little beat as far as that goes...and that won't work for my grandma. Sure, I'm a great mom. I pour myself into my family and I know it shows in the people my kids are becoming. Still, I have one huge fault. I'm a mess. 

This mess is what I am dealing with this week to get my grandma moved in. After the mess comes the construction. After at least part of the construction comes the general moving in Grandma's stuff. Then we get Grandma.

I have a lot of work to do.  The girls are already on Thanksgiving break. While I know that their hands will be helpful, I also know that they are kids and I want them to have the time off to be kids, too. This week that will mean playing in the yard quite a bit so they are out of my way.

In the middle of all this, I got a phone call. I am in the system now to substitute teach. This week is only the secondary for the district, but I can do that if I'm available. I don't know how to do this, but I know that our family could use the money, so I'm going to be trying to figure it out. 

So, if I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, do they all have to happen at once?  Good thing I don't have to control them all. 

What Autism Isn't

Autism isn't an excuse to murder your kid.
I complain quite a bit about my struggles, I admit that. I know that I shouldn't. Complaining doesn't fix the problem. Micah is a difficult kid, but he's my kid and I love him. I don't care if I never received a single service for him, he's still my kid and we do what we have to to raise him no matter what is thrown our way.

I get really mad when I hear about parents killing their autistic kids. It's not understandable. I don't care what the circumstances are that make that kid difficult to live with, if you can't handle it you still don't have the right to take that child's life. There is always another way.

I don't mean to sound unfeeling or unsympathetic to the struggle they are facing.  The thing is that I've been in the same struggles.  The lady who threw her autistic kid off a bridge after her husband was diagnosed with MS hit me especially hard. I was mad. This lady is getting all kinds of sympathy and people were saying that they can understand why she did it because autism and MS both are hard. Yes, yes they are. I know. Personally.

Still, that lady needed help. Not money thrown her way, but help from a professional who could address her psychological needs as a person in a difficult situation. Autism and MS are not an excuse for murder. Period. From what I had observed, she had all kinds of warning signs but nobody took her seriously until she threw her 6 year old away. I weep for that boy. I weep for the family. I weep for the people who heard her saying that she was ready to do horrible things to her son but they weren't listening because she was asking for money instead of what she really needed.

Sometimes people don't ask for the things that they are really asking for.

I know I sound judgemental.  Here's the thing, we can't make excuses for people who kill their kids because raising them is hard. It belittles the life of the child. It makes another parent think that murder is an option.

My son is hard to deal with. MS is hard to deal with. My life could be one huge sob story. I have battled with depression, I know what it is to feel hopeless. Still, there is always a way. Maybe it means that you can't care for the kid anymore, so you call CPS or the police or whoever on yourself. That's better than taking the child's life.

I keep pointing out that one case because it has been pointed out to me several times because of the autism and MS connection.  I have MS and a kid with autism, why haven't I cracked yet? Is that what you are asking me when you point this out? The truth is that I have cracked. I have on more than one occasion dropped my kids off with someone else because I couldn't handle them right then. I may be Supermom, but I am not invincible. I get to that point and I call someone. It's amazing how fast people will move heaven and earth when they hear the tone in my voice that says "get me out of here."
See, nobody is perfect. Nobody can handle everything. Sometimes God gives you stuff that you can't handle. It's okay. He can handle it. That's my way out. I'm sad for those who reject that way. I'm sad for the people who think that money will fix all the problems. Believe me, I could win the 300 and whatever millions that the big lotto is up to and still have problems. Probably more than I have now. MS and autism don't go away just because you throw money at them.

Being a mother of a child with autism is hard. I have days when I dread picking up Micah from school. There are a million decisions to be made and you make the wrong ones all the time. You fight for things that you think your kid needs, but once you finally get them they don't always work. If they finally talk they often only want to talk about one subject for hours on end. Every day homework is a battle. Sending them to school is scary because you know that your kid is difficult and you don't know how the teacher/aid/lunch lady/other kids will respond to him and possibly set off the dreaded meltdown. Going anywhere is difficult for you on a scale few other parents understand because you have to take care of dietary needs, toiletry needs far past the time "normal" kids are through with that, sensory needs, scheduling needs, a distraction for when something goes wrong, and a back up plan for exiting when all hell breaks loose, but you need to block every exit so that you don't have an escapee. The bigger you kid gets the harder most of these things are to deal with. Also the bigger they are the more judgment you get from others when you kid doesn't "behave."

Here's the thing: that's only part of the story. I am the kid with a 13 year old who is an expert on gluten and casien and can lecture for hours on the diet that helps him so much. Those little milestones that other parents had in concentrated form over and over in the first few years are spread out for me so I can truly enjoy each one. My son has a special relationship with me, his mom, at 13 and he talks to me more than anyone else in the world. How many moms of 13 year olds wish their kids would talk to them more? I have a boy who inspires me because of his hard work at every sentence that comes out of his mouth. He may not work hard on his homework, but he's tired from telling me about his day. If you had to work as hard as he does to form a sentence, would you waste your time on small talk? I watch my boy blow the minds of people who underestimate him constantly.

I could go on and on about both sides of this. Life is hard. You can still find joy.

I know that this is long, but I have to share because so much of it applies to this.
James 1:2-17

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God,who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

 Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position. But the rich should take pride in their humiliation—since they will pass away like a wild flower.  For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed.In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business.

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

 When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin;and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

 Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters.  Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 

November already?

I totally forgot that it is November. I'm so behind in everything. This crazy transition to teenager for my boy including all of the school challenges that are coming with it, changing to working at least some of the time, my grandma and all her issues, Tony starting school, and all of the kid activities are turning me into a real flake. My calendar is so full that I can't keep up. Now the Holidays are coming and I am not ready.

Let me back up a bit.

Micah is having a hard time with becoming a teenager.  I know, who doesn't?  Still, do you remember Junior High? Think about doing it with the social abilities of a 4 year old. I know sometimes it felt like you were limited in your social skills, and believe me, I recognize that every 13 year old is, but not on this scale. It was frustrating dealing with hormones and all the crap that comes with it, but for my boy it is just as frustrating as it was before he could talk.  If you have heard me speak of those dark days, you know that it is getting bad if I can compare it to that.

I have already had to fight the school some because of the problems that he has been having.  They already tried to suspend him once, but their mistakes caused me to push back and he didn't get sent home. IEPs are killing me.  I have to have a solution that doesn't seem to exist.
At this point I am beginning to wonder if all of my hard work with him through the years is going to prove worthless. All the headaches and stress and he may still end up in jail because he can't control himself.

I'm tired of fighting a losing battle.

In the middle of all this I have started the process to become a substitute teacher for the kid's school district. At this point it's just a matter of paperwork being finished on their end. My biggest fear in all of this is that I will succeed and love it but not be able to continue because I will need to be more available for Micah.

My next issue is my grandma. Honestly, my mom is shouldering most of that, but I still have to help her out. My grandma is currently in an assisted living facility for rehab after breaking her leg and having a mild heart attack. This whole incident has caused her to need to move from her current apartment which is difficult for her to get around in to a more appropriate apartment for her needs. I found a place for her, but with her still being in the rehab facility, she hasn't been able to take care of paperwork and all that is necessary for that. Then once that is taken care of, we will be moving her and all her stuff...that will be an adventure.

Tony starting school just means that I have to take on more things alone for a while. He's doing online classes, so he's still there, but he needs time to focus, so there are times when I will just have to handle stuff alone.

Kid activities may be the hard part as far as consuming my time. Cheer, choir, and softball are the current contenders for time, but it will soon be cheer, softball, baseball, and a play, along with any of the runs that Micah wants to do and anything else that the kids may come up with. Band isn't taking up my time yet, but concerts are coming soon, I'm sure.

Let's throw in Thanksgiving and Christmas, because I will have loads of time. I don't even know what these holidays are going to look like yet because I have been distracted. We just recently found out that my grandma will still be in rehab for Thanksgiving, so I will not have her and likely not my mom either to help/worry about. I usually cook with my mom because it's easier to do that with Micah's diet, but that probably won't be an option this year.

Last Christmas I had a horrible time because of school and stuff, so I just gave most people gift cards and slid through the season pretty depressed. We did have a beautiful day and week after alone with just Tony and the kids and I, but everything else felt completely forced. I am beginning to wonder if we shouldn't just hide like that for these holidays so we can regroup a bit. Still, Tony has school, so it won't be the same.

I really need to stop complaining. I'm worn out, but it's pretty easy to find things to be thankful for in all of this. I know that there are people around me who love me, and I just have to call and they will be there to rescue me. It's hard to be the one who always has to be rescued, but it's nice to still have those people who are willing to help even though I have called them way too often.

It's times like this that I wish that the stupid saying of "God won't give you more than you can handle" was true. The problem is that I am living proof that He does. He constantly gives me things that I can't handle so that I will rely on Him. Believe me, I would have given up long ago if He wasn't trustworthy enough to hand it all over to Him. I can't do any of this stuff, really. To juggle it all alone would be stupid. He is far better at handling this stuff than I am.