I have an idea of what God wants me to do after graduation, but I'm not sure. It's hard with these things. I just want it written in bold letters somewhere "You are supposed to do ____" but that's not how God works all the time. I want my writing on the wall. I want to know with the certainty that He gave me when I went back to school this time what it is that I'm supposed to do with this degree.
I know what not to do. I can't make a plan of my own. That trips me up every time. It's one of those things that comes naturally to me. I make plans. If God isn't moving fast enough for my taste, I plunge forward anyway.
I really have to stop that. Falling on my face just hurts. I'm tired of doing that.
So I've asked. I've waited. I've lacked planning.
By the way, not planning in a place with a slogan "live your purpose" is difficult. The university that I am attending is all about helping you live your goals. It's assumed that you have a goal. What in the world would you be there for if you didn't have a goal? Especially for a person as old as I am. There has to be a reason, right?
Yeah, my reason is to do what God told me to do. At least it's a Christian University so that's an acceptable answer...but it doesn't stop people from asking, "so what are you going to do until God tells you what to do next?" The answer "wait" really should be acceptable, but it's frustrating to others. I totally understand why. It's frustrating to me too.
So anyway, there's a point to this. I have an idea of what God wants of me. I'm pretty sure I know what it's not. It's one area that I have wanted to avoid. It's the thing that I blogged about not wanting to do in my last post. I'm not incredibly happy about it, but as soon as I acknowledged in that post that I was avoiding it, I've been so convicted about surrendering everything. Everywhere I go. The sermon that I had to listen to for homework. The pastor's sermon I listened to Sunday. Posts from my friends on Facebook. Books that I've been reading. I just can't avoid it. I can't avoid God.
So, I'm not saying what the direction is that He may be leading me to. I don't even know if it's really it or if he just wants me to surrender to Him fully (by the way, that's what I'm hoping for at this point).
Like Gideon in the book of Judges, I'm laying out a fleece for God. Not a literal fleece (though if I did in the dry weather of summer in So Cal, it would have to be God getting that thing wet), but a figurative one. I'm asking God to show me in a very specific way that this is from Him.
Now, I've been very specific with God, but I'm not going to be specific in this blog. I don't want to take the chance that someone will read this and think "I should make that happen." Not that I have a large following, but I'm not taking any chances. If this thing happens, I will know with certainty that it is from Him. If it doesn't, I will wait some more.
Here's the thing. I'm not to happy about waiting longer. I'm also pretty certain that if this thing happens, I won't be too happy for a while. The thing that I'm counting on is the peace. I love the peace that comes in knowing that I'm doing what God wants me to do. I want that. I need that. I need it more than I need to like the direction that I'm headed. One of the things that I've learned about when God tells me to do something that I don't want to do and I do it anyway is that it always works out better than what I planned. God loves me and wants what is best for me. He also wants me to have joy. I count on the joy. I count on the peace. I count on God's plan being better than any of mine.
That's what's in my head and in my heart, but I'm still struggling in the meantime. Maybe I should take a cue from my lessons to my kids lately and "Do everything without grumbling or arguing" (Phil 2:14)
Monday, June 24, 2013
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Thoughts
As I sat down and wrote my paper today on religious liberty in public schools, I acknowledged fully finally that God does not want me to be a school teacher. This revelation has been in my head for a while, but I've always thought of it as a kind of a backup plan, in case God doesn't tell me what I should do next.
Nope. Not even then.
It's really frustrating to answer the questions about my plans for graduation. The fact is that I don't have any still. I voiced this frustration to some of my amazing friends from church and I was so blessed by their response. One of my friends told me of her journey to get her law degree, but God didn't call her to be a lawyer. Another of my friends told me of someone who she went to school with to get her teaching credential who knew that even though she was getting the credential, she didn't plan to be a teacher. Another story came of a man who went to school to get his degree in applied theology, telling everyone who asked that his plan was to serve God. That's it. No "I'm going into ____ ministry." Just serve God.
Well, I'm apparently not alone in my lack of "real plans." That's good to know. Still, it's hard to continue to have this attitude of submisson when I know that December is coming up fast and I don't know what's next.
The hardest part of this is the fear. I fear that God is going to tell me to do something that I just don't want to do. Of course, I know in my head that if He leads me in the direction I don't want to go, His plans will work out far better for me than what I have in mind. I'm trying to be open to the unexpected profession that I think would drive me nuts.
I have one profession in particular that I'm especially afraid of. I really don't want to voice it because I have it in my head that if someone who hears me will say "that's what God wants you to do. He told me to tell you."
I know, it's not total surrender unless I let that go too. I really have to let it go, but I don't want to.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Vent
First, let me apologize for this. I'm totally going to vent right now.
I am so tired of people getting on the opinion bandwagon and beating other people with it.
Recently I lurked in a special needs parents discussion board and watched as a woman was attacked for venting about her problems with taking her son with Aspergers and Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) to the store. She was so frustrated with her son who is 12. He's huge and he had a meltdown when he observed someone in the 10 items or less lane with 15 items. He yelled and became violent over something that his mom said "was nothing." She was really having a hard time with him and really needed to vent. She went to, in my opinion, the place that should have been safe.
Unfortunately the discussion board was where she was attacked for her final conclusion to her vent: she needed to find someone to babysit her 12 year old every time she went to the store. The problem is that someone who is very vocal in the autism world, Temple Grandin, has been lecturing everywhere that people need to stop sheltering their kids from the world and get them out to experience things so that they are used to it and it becomes normal, like everyone else. She said they all need jobs and functions in the world, and they can't have that without being exposed to the world.
First let me point out that I agree with Ms. Grandin. Yes, children should be exposed to normal behavior in environments that every other child their age are exposed to. They need to be able to go to the supermarket. They have to be able to do these things so that they can function as part of society.
The problem I had was with people attacking this poor woman who was already down. As parents of children with special needs, we should all know better. Most of us have had the ignorant comments
when we have taken our kids out in public. If our kids have a behavior that is socially unacceptable, we've been there. We've been kicked while we are down. We've had to listen to some lady tell us that our kid wouldn't throw himself on the ground if we would just spank him. We've heard someone tell us that we should just make our kid eat something else besides the 3 foods that they are willing to consume. We've all heard something that made us just want the other person to spend an hour in our shoes and watch them break down like we do. We should know better.
This poor woman who was simply venting, not logically working out solutions for her problem, just expressing her frustration in a place where someone should understand, was cruelly attacked. She was made an example of a horrible mother who wasn't doing anything to teach her child. Temple Grandin was quoted as if her words are infallible simply because she has autism. I'm not saying that her opinions are not valid, but she should not be treated this way by the same people who tout the catch phrase "if you've met one person with autism, you've met just one person with autism." Ms Grandin is just one person with autism.
We who have been in this world for a while have seen opinions change. I was one of the "crazy" people who put her kid on the GF/CF diet before it was the popular treatment of the month. It was right up there with the scary chelation (I have no idea how to spell that) treatment that kids died when their parents implemented it incorrectly. People thought it was that bad. Now everyone is trying it.
I'm not saying that Ms. Grandin is wrong. I've been one of the stubborn ones who took her son with texture issues to restaurants so that he knows how to do it. I've taken my kid to church every week knowing that he hates it when the praise team is slightly off...and they were often off. We deal with it because this is a real life that he has to learn to live in. Still, there are times when dealing with it sucks. When my kid picks up a trash can at Soak City and throws it because he doesn't want to leave, it's rough and I'm scared one day he is going to hurt someone. I can't always handle it. I sometimes break down. Sometimes I want to give up. Sometimes I want to hide my kid at home where I can control everything. Life sucks sometimes. Sometimes I need to vent these frustrations, too. I recently did that with a friend when I was just tired of being beat up by my son.
My problem is with the people who were beating this woman over the head with the words of Temple Grandin. Yeah, she is going to have to work with her son on things that go wrong in the world, but she was frustrated and needed support, not someone to tell her everything that she was doing wrong and telling her that she was what is wrong with the special needs world. Shut up and listen a minute. The poor woman is by herself in the world with this boy who is growing and learning to deal with the rest of the world. It's hard.
For those of you who don't have any idea what we are dealing with on a daily basis because you don't have a child on the spectrum, I'm sorry to have to tell you this but, we already ignore you most of the time. We've learned to do that because you don't get it but many of you tend to have an opinion anyway. Most of the time I'm thanking God that you don't have to deal with what I do every day, then walking away before I start lecturing you on what autism is and the behavioral interventions that I'm putting into place (mostly because chances are good that I've more systematically implemented strategies for the problem that you are witnessing than you have ever had to with your child, if you even have one).
I just realized as I was typing this that the whole thing is so very similar to problems in the church. How many times do we beat people while they are down? Sure, our point may be directly from scripture and be absolutely right, but nothing about our "correction" of the other believers is said in love and humility. We beat each other up because we are right and they are wrong and we can prove it. Then when people who are not believers give us their opinion about something, we ignore them because they don't understand. They don't know what the Bible says, so they couldn't possibly get it. It's true, we need to check everything that people who are not believers say to us with our standard, the Bible, but sometimes they say things that are worthwhile but we don't listen because we don't really want to take the time to check it and we like the way we do things anyway.
What we all need is a good dose of humility and to bathe our words in love. None of us knows everything. No matter what we have experienced, no matter what we have seen, no matter what we have read, none of us knows everything. Last time I checked, I'm not God. I don't know everything, and honestly, I don't want to know everything. A few more things, maybe, but not everything. That's way too much work. When someone is wrong, don't attack them. When someone is hurt, hurt with them. Isn't there something like that in the Bible? I remember reading something like that in Romans 12....
I am so tired of people getting on the opinion bandwagon and beating other people with it.
Recently I lurked in a special needs parents discussion board and watched as a woman was attacked for venting about her problems with taking her son with Aspergers and Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) to the store. She was so frustrated with her son who is 12. He's huge and he had a meltdown when he observed someone in the 10 items or less lane with 15 items. He yelled and became violent over something that his mom said "was nothing." She was really having a hard time with him and really needed to vent. She went to, in my opinion, the place that should have been safe.
Unfortunately the discussion board was where she was attacked for her final conclusion to her vent: she needed to find someone to babysit her 12 year old every time she went to the store. The problem is that someone who is very vocal in the autism world, Temple Grandin, has been lecturing everywhere that people need to stop sheltering their kids from the world and get them out to experience things so that they are used to it and it becomes normal, like everyone else. She said they all need jobs and functions in the world, and they can't have that without being exposed to the world.
First let me point out that I agree with Ms. Grandin. Yes, children should be exposed to normal behavior in environments that every other child their age are exposed to. They need to be able to go to the supermarket. They have to be able to do these things so that they can function as part of society.
The problem I had was with people attacking this poor woman who was already down. As parents of children with special needs, we should all know better. Most of us have had the ignorant comments
when we have taken our kids out in public. If our kids have a behavior that is socially unacceptable, we've been there. We've been kicked while we are down. We've had to listen to some lady tell us that our kid wouldn't throw himself on the ground if we would just spank him. We've heard someone tell us that we should just make our kid eat something else besides the 3 foods that they are willing to consume. We've all heard something that made us just want the other person to spend an hour in our shoes and watch them break down like we do. We should know better.
This poor woman who was simply venting, not logically working out solutions for her problem, just expressing her frustration in a place where someone should understand, was cruelly attacked. She was made an example of a horrible mother who wasn't doing anything to teach her child. Temple Grandin was quoted as if her words are infallible simply because she has autism. I'm not saying that her opinions are not valid, but she should not be treated this way by the same people who tout the catch phrase "if you've met one person with autism, you've met just one person with autism." Ms Grandin is just one person with autism.
We who have been in this world for a while have seen opinions change. I was one of the "crazy" people who put her kid on the GF/CF diet before it was the popular treatment of the month. It was right up there with the scary chelation (I have no idea how to spell that) treatment that kids died when their parents implemented it incorrectly. People thought it was that bad. Now everyone is trying it.
I'm not saying that Ms. Grandin is wrong. I've been one of the stubborn ones who took her son with texture issues to restaurants so that he knows how to do it. I've taken my kid to church every week knowing that he hates it when the praise team is slightly off...and they were often off. We deal with it because this is a real life that he has to learn to live in. Still, there are times when dealing with it sucks. When my kid picks up a trash can at Soak City and throws it because he doesn't want to leave, it's rough and I'm scared one day he is going to hurt someone. I can't always handle it. I sometimes break down. Sometimes I want to give up. Sometimes I want to hide my kid at home where I can control everything. Life sucks sometimes. Sometimes I need to vent these frustrations, too. I recently did that with a friend when I was just tired of being beat up by my son.
My problem is with the people who were beating this woman over the head with the words of Temple Grandin. Yeah, she is going to have to work with her son on things that go wrong in the world, but she was frustrated and needed support, not someone to tell her everything that she was doing wrong and telling her that she was what is wrong with the special needs world. Shut up and listen a minute. The poor woman is by herself in the world with this boy who is growing and learning to deal with the rest of the world. It's hard.
For those of you who don't have any idea what we are dealing with on a daily basis because you don't have a child on the spectrum, I'm sorry to have to tell you this but, we already ignore you most of the time. We've learned to do that because you don't get it but many of you tend to have an opinion anyway. Most of the time I'm thanking God that you don't have to deal with what I do every day, then walking away before I start lecturing you on what autism is and the behavioral interventions that I'm putting into place (mostly because chances are good that I've more systematically implemented strategies for the problem that you are witnessing than you have ever had to with your child, if you even have one).
I just realized as I was typing this that the whole thing is so very similar to problems in the church. How many times do we beat people while they are down? Sure, our point may be directly from scripture and be absolutely right, but nothing about our "correction" of the other believers is said in love and humility. We beat each other up because we are right and they are wrong and we can prove it. Then when people who are not believers give us their opinion about something, we ignore them because they don't understand. They don't know what the Bible says, so they couldn't possibly get it. It's true, we need to check everything that people who are not believers say to us with our standard, the Bible, but sometimes they say things that are worthwhile but we don't listen because we don't really want to take the time to check it and we like the way we do things anyway.
What we all need is a good dose of humility and to bathe our words in love. None of us knows everything. No matter what we have experienced, no matter what we have seen, no matter what we have read, none of us knows everything. Last time I checked, I'm not God. I don't know everything, and honestly, I don't want to know everything. A few more things, maybe, but not everything. That's way too much work. When someone is wrong, don't attack them. When someone is hurt, hurt with them. Isn't there something like that in the Bible? I remember reading something like that in Romans 12....
I know I say this a lot...
...but it's been a while since I last blogged, so I thought I would do a little something here.
An update about school: I'm still going! It's Summer classes for me, and that is rougher than I thought it would be. I'm trying to keep the kid's schedule full like I normally have to in order to keep everyone healthy and happy, all while keeping up with my full-time school schedule.
I'm never doing that again.
I don't know how to keep everything in the air, and I'm certainly not going to have awesome grades (straight A's last semester...while the kids were in school). I will pass the classes, but that's all I'm shooting for at this point. I just want to make it through the summer. If I can do that, I can do anything.
The most frustrating thing at this point in school is that I still have no idea what God wants me to do with my degree once I'm done. I know that I will have to get some sort of job, and that once I'm done I will be trying to substitute teach for a while just so I have money coming in to cover the student loans (at the very least).
Part of my problem is I have logistics in my head. I'm still a mom. I still need to be there for my kids. They are in school, so I'm free then...unless something comes up.
Nothing compares to being a stay-at-home-mom. I love my job. Still, when God told me to go back to school, I figured He had a plan in mind for me for when I finish. He does, I know, but I'm still waiting to find out what it is. In my head I keep going over all of the things that I love, praying and trying to figure it out, but I keep hearing "wait."
That's not the answer I was looking for.
It doesn't help that I keep being given assignments in classes that ask me what my plans are and I feel like I'm submitting the lamest response, "I don't know."
The fact is that my most important job I will ever have is what I'm doing now. I serve God. I'm a great mom. That sounds weird to me to say it, but I know that I do everything that I can for my family, and that's what a great mom does.
My question now is, did God wanting me to go back to school have anything at all to do with me getting a job outside of the home, or did He just want me to do it for a different reason entirely? Is there going to be another opportunity thrown in my lap that I will need a degree for later that may help my family in some way?
I'm so full of questions. I know that part of this is me growing enough to not have to know the answers. I know that it's another thing that I'm just going to have to trust God about. I'm trying not to be frustrated with not knowing what's next. It's not really working. I like plans.
An update about school: I'm still going! It's Summer classes for me, and that is rougher than I thought it would be. I'm trying to keep the kid's schedule full like I normally have to in order to keep everyone healthy and happy, all while keeping up with my full-time school schedule.
I'm never doing that again.
I don't know how to keep everything in the air, and I'm certainly not going to have awesome grades (straight A's last semester...while the kids were in school). I will pass the classes, but that's all I'm shooting for at this point. I just want to make it through the summer. If I can do that, I can do anything.
The most frustrating thing at this point in school is that I still have no idea what God wants me to do with my degree once I'm done. I know that I will have to get some sort of job, and that once I'm done I will be trying to substitute teach for a while just so I have money coming in to cover the student loans (at the very least).
Part of my problem is I have logistics in my head. I'm still a mom. I still need to be there for my kids. They are in school, so I'm free then...unless something comes up.
Nothing compares to being a stay-at-home-mom. I love my job. Still, when God told me to go back to school, I figured He had a plan in mind for me for when I finish. He does, I know, but I'm still waiting to find out what it is. In my head I keep going over all of the things that I love, praying and trying to figure it out, but I keep hearing "wait."
That's not the answer I was looking for.
It doesn't help that I keep being given assignments in classes that ask me what my plans are and I feel like I'm submitting the lamest response, "I don't know."
The fact is that my most important job I will ever have is what I'm doing now. I serve God. I'm a great mom. That sounds weird to me to say it, but I know that I do everything that I can for my family, and that's what a great mom does.
My question now is, did God wanting me to go back to school have anything at all to do with me getting a job outside of the home, or did He just want me to do it for a different reason entirely? Is there going to be another opportunity thrown in my lap that I will need a degree for later that may help my family in some way?
I'm so full of questions. I know that part of this is me growing enough to not have to know the answers. I know that it's another thing that I'm just going to have to trust God about. I'm trying not to be frustrated with not knowing what's next. It's not really working. I like plans.
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