I told you about planning to start school in my last post. I didn't really tell you about my big fears.
I've gone to college and taken classes off and on for 15 years. Yes, I am that old...okay, maybe I started in high school. Anyway, when I transferred my credits to California Baptist University, where I will be attending, I didn't really expect them to accept everything. I figured that some of those things that I did at the junior college I attended were just too old and they would make me take the class over again. I wasn't really afraid of this, I just assumed it would happen so I would deal with taking some core classes again.
Nope.
They accepted 60 units. That was almost everything. That may not seem like much school over 15 years, but if you have been reading anything about what has happened in my life over that time span, you would know that I've been through a different kind of schooling during that time.
So, 60 units. I am a junior. I'm only going to have to take a couple of core classes over the next couple of years for graduation. Two units of kinesiology and 3 units of philosophy. Everything else is covered in my major program or I already have it.
It was an unexpected blessing and really took a load off my shoulders. When my enrollment counselor called me after getting my transcripts, she congratulated me on being so determined in the classes that I took. I didn't mess around with classes that didn't matter. I took the classes that were hard. Maybe I took them only one or two at a time, but I took them.
Okay, enough patting myself on the back.
The next real fear at this point is the money. Of course it's the money. Isn't it always the money? My fear is that I will finish my degree and end up with a huge bill and then go paralyzed again and never be able to do anything with it. I don't have any real plans to do anything after I'm done and I'm at peace knowing that God is the one doing the planning for that, but that nagging question keeps getting in the way. What about my MS? Is this really what I should be doing even knowing that I may never be able to hold down a job that would pay for my education?
I know that God is bigger than multiple sclerosis. He is the one controlling my life. Still, I have a brain that He gave me and it's telling me that things are financially uncertain. Should I really be doing this?
I got the preliminary report regarding my financial aid. Most of my schooling will be covered by grants and I'm applying for scholarships like crazy. I still have a loan, but it's not looking really big. It looks like something that will be pretty manageable in the end. If I get a few scholarships lined up, I may be able to avoid too much of the loan stuff. I'm still waiting for the final word, and that has me really nervous.
Another fear that keeps coming up in my head is am I going to be able to finish? Every time I have gone back to school, something major has happened in my life that made me stop. Autism, seizures, MS, and a whole bunch of other things have come up along the way. It has me thinking what is next? Am I going to start again only to have some other major event happen in my life and have to stop again? I'm already pretty sure I know what it would be! Ali has been having trouble in school. Her teacher thinks she has ADD or possibly ADHD. I'm pretty sure she does too, but I wasn't going to have her diagnosed because she has handled it pretty well so far without any assistance. She gets good grades, just isn't perfect in her behavior. It wasn't a big problem in Kindergarten, but she didn't do too bad. Apparently this year and this teacher are different. I got a referral and I'm taking her to have her assessed. The twins' teacher is also sending me packets to fill out for both of them to be assessed for speech.
SEE?
I honestly don't think all this will amount to me changing much in my routine. Our routine is really set up at home for kids of all abilities to thrive. If there really is a solution that I'm willing to do (she is not going on meds unless they can prove to me that it's absolutely necessary...not likely), then I figure it can only help my routine because Ali will focus better. If it takes a bit more of my time, I'll work around it.
This is my thinking for my going back to school: I have a ton of other things on my plate that really aren't as important to me as finishing school. I'm willing to drop what I need to. I'm not dropping my kids (obviously), so something else may give if things start to go crazy. My relationship with Christ, my husband, and my kids won't suffer, other than that I can't make any promises. I have friends that will still be by my side in 2 years even if I don't pick up the phone as much as I should. My Clever Container and Pampered Chef businesses are not on hold, but my schedule is going to be more limited than it was before. I do have a friend who has told me that she is willing to come along side of me and help me with those businesses if things get tough for me to handle. As it stands for ministry at church, I am involved but it isn't taking up nearly as much time throughout the week as it did a few years ago. Sundays are still long days and very full, but it's not huge burden. I really think that my schedule will fit.
Okay, so that is my fear and my justification. I should be okay, right? Nothing is certain except that God knows what He is doing. I really think that this is His plan for me, but I could be wrong. I have struggled with this so much that I'm starting to go crazy. Still, yesterday when I got my schedule for this semester, I had such peace! I felt like everything has been falling into place for this without my control. I fear the shoe dropping because it has happened so many times before, but I don't want to disregard all the things that have happened to get me this far this time.
I should probably mention that I also kind of fear that I won't be able to do what I used to do and my memory isn't what it was (I'm not really that old, but I feel it). I do have these weird spots on my brain that you can see on an MRI. I'm not using those things as excuses, though. That fear doesn't count because it makes me more determined to do it.
Okay, so that's where I am. Am I crazy? Absolutely.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Thursday, August 16, 2012
School Time!
I know it's been a while again. Crazy stuff keeps happening in real life and I just don't remember to blog.
I've been making a lot of changes in my life lately. The kids started school again (yay!) and I'm finally getting caught up on all the stuff that I put off over the summer while the kids were home. The schools that they are going to are perfect...except for location and times. The girls are at a school that is 20 minutes away from me...unless there is traffic. Micah is at the same school as last year...15 minutes away in the opposite direction from the girls.
Yeah, I'm on the road a lot.
Micah's bus now picks him up for school. Not because no one is available to drive him, but because he goes to school so stinking late. His school actually starts at 9:15. Yeah, I'm jealous because he sleeps in. The girls and I have to be out the door by 7 or we hit traffic. Tony is home with Micah letting him sleep. The bus picks up Micah at 8:45 and Tony leaves for work shortly thereafter. Tony asked for a change in hours at work so that we could do this. Fortunately they wanted someone to work later anyway, so it worked out pretty well.
The weird one is Wednesdays. It's a minimum day and basically I just stay in the car to make things easier. I really should be packing myself a lunch for the car on Wednesdays.
The school where the girls are is a magnet for the arts. They have plays and musicals, spend time learning about art in various media, and the band is really encouraged. It's a really great place for kids like my girls who are just fine with all of their academics and really want more out of their time in school.
Micah is in the perfect placement for him. This will be his 3rd year with this teacher and this environment. He has really thrived. I wouldn't change anything there. Next year, when he heads to middle school is when we will obviously see changes. Until then, I just want him to stay where he is.
That means I'm not really a stay at home mom, I'm a bus driver. I pick up Micah from school so I still have the constant communication with everyone there. Plus he gets out so late that if his bus ride is anything like last year's he would be home around dinner time if he rode the bus home. It's funny, the ride there is only 30 minutes, but the ride home last year took an hour and a half (after I complained, it started out at 2 1/2 hours).
Anyway, that's what I deal with for them. Anything for my kids.
The girls are doing okay in school. Zoe is fine. She loves her teacher and there have been no complaints from her about anything. Ali is having a rough time, but she is learning the hard way that she can't always be the alpha dog. The twins are in the same class and their teacher immediately caught the differences between the two. Ali has been in trouble a few times already. She comes home and complains about kids not being nice to her, but according to her teacher she hasn't been very nice to others. Her teacher is being patient, but I haven't heard a whole lot of positives about her. Still, she hasn't finished all her assessments, so Ali will shine when she gets to show how smart she is.
Becca is having a rough time just because she is the new kid. She was fine for a while, but she is starting to feel like she really doesn't fit in. She loves the school. Having the opportunity to try out for the first musical was a dream for her. Her teacher isn't her favorite, but she has had worse. Becca knows what to expect from the teacher, so she will be fine in that way. Her biggest problem is that she is in a different financial situation than just about all the kids there. The school is in a wealthier neighborhood than our old school, so she has issues with the style police. She is figuring out that she needs to get up earlier in the morning to let me do her hair cute so she fits in better. She wants to update her wardrobe, but her dressing like the kids around her just isn't up on my list of financial priorities. I hit the thrift shop for school pictures and she liked the result. Becca really isn't trying to be unreasonable and she isn't coming to me begging for cute stuff to fit in, so I'm okay with letting her have nicer things when they fit in the budget. She isn't really self centered about it, she just wants to be comfortable around the other kids. She knows she is beautiful on the inside and that is what counts, so I'm comfortable with letting her have more things so she can fit in a bit when the budget allows.
That's what's going on with the kids, now on to me.
I've decided to go back to school...again. I know, it's something I decide to do every once in a while and there is no big shock in the fact that I want to finish my education. Still, every time I go back to school, something major jumps in the way to prevent me from finishing. Major things like getting married, having a kid, then having that kid diagnosed with autism, then there was the time I went back to school then stopped because I went temporarily blind and eventually diagnosed with MS. I keep having things get in the way and you would think I would give up after a while, but I just can't. I want to finish my degree. Not finishing has made me feel awful about myself for too long. Intellectually I know that I shouldn't feel that way. I have accomplished too much without the degree for me to feel bad. I have amazing kids that needed me, and my health has had to be a priority for the last few years. Still, right now I have things under control...just not my control. I am not as oppressed by my MS as I felt originally. Micah is in a really good place behaviorally and educationally. He doesn't need me as much as he used to. The girls are all getting older and capable of taking care of a lot of the little things on their own. The are less reliant on me for everything, so I feel like I can take on something else.
At first I figured I could add more to my businesses. I have Clever Container and Pampered Chef that I still love doing...I just figured out that I love doing them on my own time table. I don't want to do those businesses full time. I just like the ability to make a few bucks when I want to.
What do I want to do? Be a mom. Do I really need a degree for that? No. Why on earth would I go back to school then? I want to.
It's kind of freeing to say that. I do feel like God is saying for me to do it. I've been asking for a while because I wasn't really sure it was okay to do it just because I want to. I don't have some grand plan to get a great job and get our family out of debt. I don't have any idea what will happen when I get my degree. The thing is, every time I've made plans like that in the past they have failed. I am finally at a point in my life when I don't feel the need to make big plans for myself. I'm okay with just going ahead without the plans. It's kind of crazy for me because I always have to have a plan. I don't leave out the door without a plan for where I'm going, how long I will be, who will be with me and how to feed everyone if necessary. It was odd for me to fill out the forms without having a real plan for what I will do next. Still, there was peace. I don't know if I'm going to be able to finish school, but I can try again. I don't know what I will do with a degree once I have it, but I will still take the classes and do it. I've picked area of study based on what sounded interesting to me when looking at what is available and prayer. I filled out the forms for student aid and from this point on I will just see what happens.
I've been making a lot of changes in my life lately. The kids started school again (yay!) and I'm finally getting caught up on all the stuff that I put off over the summer while the kids were home. The schools that they are going to are perfect...except for location and times. The girls are at a school that is 20 minutes away from me...unless there is traffic. Micah is at the same school as last year...15 minutes away in the opposite direction from the girls.
Yeah, I'm on the road a lot.
Micah's bus now picks him up for school. Not because no one is available to drive him, but because he goes to school so stinking late. His school actually starts at 9:15. Yeah, I'm jealous because he sleeps in. The girls and I have to be out the door by 7 or we hit traffic. Tony is home with Micah letting him sleep. The bus picks up Micah at 8:45 and Tony leaves for work shortly thereafter. Tony asked for a change in hours at work so that we could do this. Fortunately they wanted someone to work later anyway, so it worked out pretty well.
The weird one is Wednesdays. It's a minimum day and basically I just stay in the car to make things easier. I really should be packing myself a lunch for the car on Wednesdays.
The school where the girls are is a magnet for the arts. They have plays and musicals, spend time learning about art in various media, and the band is really encouraged. It's a really great place for kids like my girls who are just fine with all of their academics and really want more out of their time in school.
Micah is in the perfect placement for him. This will be his 3rd year with this teacher and this environment. He has really thrived. I wouldn't change anything there. Next year, when he heads to middle school is when we will obviously see changes. Until then, I just want him to stay where he is.
That means I'm not really a stay at home mom, I'm a bus driver. I pick up Micah from school so I still have the constant communication with everyone there. Plus he gets out so late that if his bus ride is anything like last year's he would be home around dinner time if he rode the bus home. It's funny, the ride there is only 30 minutes, but the ride home last year took an hour and a half (after I complained, it started out at 2 1/2 hours).
Anyway, that's what I deal with for them. Anything for my kids.
The girls are doing okay in school. Zoe is fine. She loves her teacher and there have been no complaints from her about anything. Ali is having a rough time, but she is learning the hard way that she can't always be the alpha dog. The twins are in the same class and their teacher immediately caught the differences between the two. Ali has been in trouble a few times already. She comes home and complains about kids not being nice to her, but according to her teacher she hasn't been very nice to others. Her teacher is being patient, but I haven't heard a whole lot of positives about her. Still, she hasn't finished all her assessments, so Ali will shine when she gets to show how smart she is.
Becca is having a rough time just because she is the new kid. She was fine for a while, but she is starting to feel like she really doesn't fit in. She loves the school. Having the opportunity to try out for the first musical was a dream for her. Her teacher isn't her favorite, but she has had worse. Becca knows what to expect from the teacher, so she will be fine in that way. Her biggest problem is that she is in a different financial situation than just about all the kids there. The school is in a wealthier neighborhood than our old school, so she has issues with the style police. She is figuring out that she needs to get up earlier in the morning to let me do her hair cute so she fits in better. She wants to update her wardrobe, but her dressing like the kids around her just isn't up on my list of financial priorities. I hit the thrift shop for school pictures and she liked the result. Becca really isn't trying to be unreasonable and she isn't coming to me begging for cute stuff to fit in, so I'm okay with letting her have nicer things when they fit in the budget. She isn't really self centered about it, she just wants to be comfortable around the other kids. She knows she is beautiful on the inside and that is what counts, so I'm comfortable with letting her have more things so she can fit in a bit when the budget allows.That's what's going on with the kids, now on to me.
I've decided to go back to school...again. I know, it's something I decide to do every once in a while and there is no big shock in the fact that I want to finish my education. Still, every time I go back to school, something major jumps in the way to prevent me from finishing. Major things like getting married, having a kid, then having that kid diagnosed with autism, then there was the time I went back to school then stopped because I went temporarily blind and eventually diagnosed with MS. I keep having things get in the way and you would think I would give up after a while, but I just can't. I want to finish my degree. Not finishing has made me feel awful about myself for too long. Intellectually I know that I shouldn't feel that way. I have accomplished too much without the degree for me to feel bad. I have amazing kids that needed me, and my health has had to be a priority for the last few years. Still, right now I have things under control...just not my control. I am not as oppressed by my MS as I felt originally. Micah is in a really good place behaviorally and educationally. He doesn't need me as much as he used to. The girls are all getting older and capable of taking care of a lot of the little things on their own. The are less reliant on me for everything, so I feel like I can take on something else.
At first I figured I could add more to my businesses. I have Clever Container and Pampered Chef that I still love doing...I just figured out that I love doing them on my own time table. I don't want to do those businesses full time. I just like the ability to make a few bucks when I want to.
What do I want to do? Be a mom. Do I really need a degree for that? No. Why on earth would I go back to school then? I want to.
It's kind of freeing to say that. I do feel like God is saying for me to do it. I've been asking for a while because I wasn't really sure it was okay to do it just because I want to. I don't have some grand plan to get a great job and get our family out of debt. I don't have any idea what will happen when I get my degree. The thing is, every time I've made plans like that in the past they have failed. I am finally at a point in my life when I don't feel the need to make big plans for myself. I'm okay with just going ahead without the plans. It's kind of crazy for me because I always have to have a plan. I don't leave out the door without a plan for where I'm going, how long I will be, who will be with me and how to feed everyone if necessary. It was odd for me to fill out the forms without having a real plan for what I will do next. Still, there was peace. I don't know if I'm going to be able to finish school, but I can try again. I don't know what I will do with a degree once I have it, but I will still take the classes and do it. I've picked area of study based on what sounded interesting to me when looking at what is available and prayer. I filled out the forms for student aid and from this point on I will just see what happens.
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