I Had a Birthday!

Yesterday was my birthday.

Yay!

I took advantage of the Disneyland thing, and went on my birthday. Then I decided to go overboard and get myself a season pass so I can take my kids on their birthdays, too.

Anyway...I had fun. The twins went with me, since they are still under 3 and therefore free. I know, I went to Disneyland without Micah and Becca. Since I didn't make a big deal about it at home, they didn't care. Besides, they got to spend the day with Grandpa, which to them is just awesome.

I went with my SIL and her hubby and Cassidy. They go all the time (season passes) so basically they kept asking me what I wanted to do next, so I was really glad when the twins or Cassidy had an opinion, because I really didn't care. Disneyland is fun, but I kept thinking about the rest of my family and what they would like to be doing if they were there. That and the fact that if Micah was there, I wouldn't have to stand in lines. Disneyland is super accomidating for those with special needs. Micah can't stand to wait in lines, and we always go to get a special pass for him that helps us out with that. It's great.

Ali and Zoe had a blast. Well, Zoe didn't like some of it, though. Just about any ride that was inside (with the exception of Small World, though she didn't like all of that one, either) she hid her face in my side for the whole ride. That girl is a total chicken. We took her on Snow White, and she didn't like that, too scary. Not that I blame the kid, but the trauma kept coming. We went on Pinocchio, she freaked out. Mr Toad's wild ride, her face went to my side before the thing even started (not that I blamed her, Ali was driving!). The torture continued with Buzz Lightyear, but I really thought she would get into that when Uncle Shawn told her it was a video game like the Wii. She had the lazer in her hand until we turned the first corner, then she dropped it and stuck her head in my side. Ali was shooting bad guys the whole time.

Dumbo was a favorite for everyone, but I think the one that they really liked the best was the carousel. Zoe and Ali both came home telling everyone that they rode "the elephants" and "the horsies."
I had enough energy to make it through the day, but driving home really wasn't cool. I only had to make it home from my in-law's house, but that really wasn't fun when I was tired. Basically, I crash big time when I get too tired or don't drink enough water. Not fun. I'm pretty useless when I crash. Sometimes I can't even stand. Anyway, I hadn't crashed, but I felt like I was going to on the drive home, so I decided that I would put my husband on speaker phone to keep me company, and so that he would know where I was at if I had to pull over. I made it home, but crashed right away, and Tony put the girls to bed. Just in time.

Today, I planned to relax in the morning and get over crashing hard, then when my mom got home from work early (she had to take some time they owed her), we would all go down to the church to work on the resource room (an incredibly large project that I do in my "spare time"). That didn't end up working out because the twins threw a major tantrum while my mom picked up the older two from school, so I sent them to their room to calm down and they fell asleep...for 4 hours. I wasn't going to wake them. They certainly needed it.

Instead of doing a million other things that I should have done at home today (I kept thinking that the twins would wake up at any moment and we would go work at the church so I needed to save my strength for that), I sat around reading. Yeah, I liked reading. I felt like a lazy bum afterward, but I read my book while Micah and Becca worked on their homework. Still, I haven't had the opportunity or ability to just sit around and read in a while, so it was nice.

When the twins finally woke up from their nap, we loaded everyone in the car and then Becca started asking what was for dinner. Dinner? Umm...I don't know.... We ended up going through a drive through, then I remembered that Becca had baseball practice this evening, so we never made it to the church.

Bummer.

I'll go in the morning, but I won't have my mom. Grr...

So anyway, that was my birthday and the day after. I turned 29 for the first time! Yay!

Diagnosis?

Yesterday morning I went to the neurologist. My sight back, I'm just figuring I'm going to suffer through some more tests.

Nah.

Just a long talk about what I need to do to beat this thing.

MS

Not that I actually have a diagnosis. I was told that I could do the spinal tap, but no matter what the results were, he recommends the same thing. Treatment for MS. If the results came back negative for MS, there is still a chance that I have it, and there is an even greater chance that I can develop it over the next 5 years either way. So, the best course of action is to just take the drugs.

Which means a shot.

Every day

For likely the rest of my life.

Don't get me wrong, I praise God for modern medicine. I'd rather take the shot than take my chances. I've experienced blindness, and while it wasn't complete blindness, it wasn't pleasant. I experienced numbness and being paralyzed for a short period of time. I'm praising God that function came back. I'll take the shot because I'm not dumb. My kids need me, and I need to function.

What does that medicine do? It decreases the chances of relapses. It doesn't really treat symptoms. Still, relapses are the thing to avoid. You never know if you are going to gain function back again.

The thing that I am trying to push through my brain is that I'm ok. People live with MS. They live relatively normal lives, too. I can do this.

Oh, yeah...unless you read my husband's blog, you wouldn't know.

I got my very first traffic ticket right after the doctor's appointment. Isn't that cliche? I was dumb and drove while talking on the phone...in Tony's car, which didn't have a proof of insurance in it...

Breakfast Conversations

Yesterday I picked up Becca from school to find that the electricity failed again at her school that day, and that today there would be no school so that they could fix the problem.

Becca is home.

My big girl.

Very entertaining.

This morning started with a rather dramatic episode surrounding french toast sticks. They are just the microwavable kind, and Becca knows how to make them herself, so she decided to make breakfast for Ali, Zoe, and Cassidy. They decided that she needed help.

Becca: Here, Cassidy, you hold the bag.

Ali: I want to hold one!

Becca: No, there isn't more than one bag, you hold the paper towel.

Zoe: I eat them?

Becca: After they are cooked.

Zoe: No!

Becca: Zoe, you can count them and make sure there is enough.

Zoe: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 9...

Cassidy: No! That's not right!

Becca: Don't worry Cassidy, I've already counted them.

Zoe: How many?

Becca: You count them.

Ali: I count them!

Becca: No, you are holding the paper towels.

Ali: I eat them!

Zoe: Me, too!

Cassidy: No they have to be cooked!

Becca: Why don't you guys just go sit down at the table while I fix this.

Ali: No!

Zoe: I want to help!

Cassidy: Come on, guys! Let's go sit down at the table!

Ali: No!

Zoe: I counting! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...

Becca: Ok, good job. Now can you please go sit down?

Zoe: I push buttons?

Becca: No, you aren't allowed to push buttons.

Ali: I eat them?

Cassidy: No, Ali, they have to be cooked!

(Becca starts the microwave)

Becca: ok, is everyone ready for french toast sticks?

Cassidy: First we count them.

Becca: It's ok. I've already counted them...so did Zoe...

Ali: My turn!

(microwave ends)

Becca: Ok, I'll go get them, then you can count them.

Cassidy: Me, too! Me too!

(Becca gets the french toast sticks and plates)

Becca: Here, Cass, you give everyone a plate.

Zoe: I do it!

Cassidy: No! Becca say for me to do it!

Becca: Everyone sit down, I'll do it all (sigh).

Ali: I get the french toast sticks!

Zoe: Me, too!

Becca: Sit down if you want to count them!

Cassidy: I sitting down!

Becca: Ok, Cassidy, you start.

Cassidy: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6...

Ali: My turn!

Cassidy: I not done yet! Stop or I won't take you to Disneyland.

Ali cries.

Me: Ok, everyone let's all count them together.

Yeah, it took that long for me to decide to intervene. Becca was doing alright. I really like how well she does with problem solving for people. She's a smart kid. Such a teacher, too.

Just thought I'd share something fun.

Embarrassing...

Yesterday I embarrassed myself in front of the church. Not that anyone did anything but tell me that they would pray for me, but I felt pretty awful.

In the middle of Sunday morning worship I had this overwhelming urge to get up and go fix something. Of course, Micah chose that day to sit in a different spot...right up front and center. Someone else was in "his spot" so he chose right up there for Mommy to have a issue. Still, it was right in front of one of his buddies (adult buddies, he doesn't really have any real kid friends at church), so I told him to sit still and asked my friend to watch out for him.

I was shaking. I couldn't sit still. I had this overwhelming urge to fix something, so I went out to the car to grab a change of pants for the twins just in case I didn't give them one in the nursery. There I saw a friend who told me I should go to the baby's room there where no one was around and relax in a rocking chair or something. I tried, but I couldn't sit. I began to panic about Micah, even though I knew that he was totally fine. I went back to the sanctuary, though I didn't go in at first because I kept telling myself that I wasn't going to get up and down. My sister-in-law was in the bathroom, and she told me that I was really red. I had a bit of a sunburn before, but this was really bad.

I finally sat down in a pew by Micah and my friend who had moved over to him just in case. She sat by me as I tried to calm down and get over whatever was happening. Micah was totally fine. I had absolutely no rational reason to panic. I kept telling myself this, and praying for God to just take over because my body was freaking out on me.

This was the weirdest experience. I'm a rational person normally. I don't like not having control over this stuff.

Now, I don't think anyone would have noticed my getting up in service if I had been in my regular spot. It would have been different for me to have to get up without Micah, but in the normal spot, I probably would have just taken him with me because the normal people who who sit around us that I can trust to watch him if I have to get up for something were not there.

At the end of the service the deacon's wives and several other ladies came to pray for me or just tell me that they were praying for me. Maybe that's why I was so noticeable that morning. Maybe God had it all planned out that way so that these people would be reminded to pray.

I don't know. I'm glad people are praying, but I a felt like I was getting too much attention while people were supposed to be worshiping. I just don't know what I could have done about it. I probably should have just followed my first instincts that morning and just stayed in bed.

Today I am jittery but numb. I have this weird thing going on where I go numb in wired spots like my knees...I am also having trouble sitting still, though that really isn't usually a problem since I have the twins to help me need to jump up all the time. Still, they have been really good today.

I got up to help get the older kids to school, then took Becca there and went to my in-law's house to watch my niece because for some unknown reason the internet is not working at my house. I didn't think I could handle that today. I'm going to have to go soon, though, to pick up my kids. Hopefully something magical will happen and make the internet work at my house this afternoon. If not, well...I don't think I'll be able to handle staying home.

Oh! This is something fun that I found. Enjoy!

3 am

I know what time it is. I have known what time it is every 10 minutes for the past several hours. I am still awake.

The people next door who have their parties until 2 am all the time are already in bed.

I can't sleep.

I feel awful.

I'm starting to cry.

I don't want to wake anyone, so I blog. You can read my feelings from this time at a decent hour of the day. No one wants to be awake at 3 am.

Sorry if this sounds horrible, it is 3 am, though.

I'm sitting here, finally able to see well, reading up on MS and scaring myself out of my mind. I know, not a great topic for reading when I have insomnia, but that is what is on my mind. I could read something incredibly boring in the hopes that I will fall asleep, and that has worked in the past, but since I just regained the ability to read well, my first inclination is not to pick up a book that I really have no interest in.

My heart says that I should probably be conversing with the Creator right now, especially since He is the One who knows everything that is going on in my body and controls it and can fix it, but I'm not listening. Why? I don't know. I don't have an excuse. It is the option that makes the most sense.

I should be finding all my favorite Scriptures about peace, and God's control, and His grace and mercy. I should. I need some of those right now. I just don't feel like putting forth the effort. I feel worthless just typing that out, though. I type it here, but I could be typing it on a Bible search engine and sift through and find what I want without even much effort at all.

Maybe I'll do that.

Search

Peace. I know that to type in peace is going to give me a huge number of hits and most of them will not contextually relate to the peace that I am searching for. Still, it is nice to know that when I type in peace in my key word search, there are 247 hits. That's a lot of peace.

Here's another interesting search. Ooh, I like the first hit.

"Do you know how God controls the clouds and makes his lightning flash?" Job 37:15

I'm going to read the whole chapter. Maybe there will be more good stuff.

(pause)

Well, if you put that totally into context, I don't think I wanted that spot. A few chapters away God talks about himself and what He has done, that's pretty cool. Still, Job just isn't peaceful to me at the moment.

I'm done babbling to you now. I'm going to go seek God some more. This lazy search is getting on my nerves. I don't recommend it.

Oh, it's 4 am now...

Tingly Feelings

I know, I'm odd. I just feel tingly, and I thought I'd share. It's that crawling ants feeling that you get when your limb falls asleep from not moving it or something, except it is happening in places that rarely stop moving on me...like my tongue.

Like I said, I know I'm odd.

So, what else is new? No results came back yet for the tests that they have done...well, nothing conclusive anyway. I already knew that my cholesterol was high, but that really doesn't have anything to do with the rest of this stuff that is going on inside me. I go back to see the neurologist Wednesday morning for him to look at results and stuff, plus when I emailed him about the tingly stuff, he said he'd check that out then, too. Hopefully I'll know more after that visit.

I broke down today and did something that I never wanted to do. I called the school district to get Micah started to come home on the bus. I just be relied on to be able to drive him home anymore. I want to cry.

I hate it that I can't do something so simple for my son.

Get up and drive my kid home from school. It seems like no big deal, but it is. It started with I can't see, then it moved on to the numbness and just not being able to trust myself to drive consistently. I have good times, and I have bad. I may be fine one minute, then the next I can't hardly move. It's the worst feeling ever.

Oh, great. The tingly thing went to my face. Ugh.

I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm feeling totally useless. This is not a happy feeling for me. I can't stand not being able to do things. I reject the idea that I can't do something so much that I just try anyway.

Yesterday I went grocery shopping with all my kids because it was something that needed to be done, I was there, and it shouldn't have been a big deal. I went and on the way home, because I overdid things, I had to stop by the side of the road and wait with my kids whining and things melting because there was a moment of disorientation, and I just felt the need to stop and cool down. I handed my cell phone to Becca and reminded her how to use it, just in case something else went wrong. She called her grandma. I should have waited and gone shopping with someone Tony or my mom, but I didn't because I just wanted to be able to handle it by myself. It wasn't any big deal before, but now it is. Grocery shopping.

I could sit and complain for a while. That's what I feel like doing. I'm down.

Today I listened to another mom at Micah's baseball practice complain about her life, and she had some things to complain about, and sometimes we all need to let that kind of stuff out. Still, I kept thinking throughout the whole conversation, where is the positive? Where is the hope? I always have some hope. This woman didn't have any. Of course, I have the Source of all hope in me, and this woman does not. So where is my hope today?

Yesterday I read this Psalm, and bits and pieces keep coming to mind over and over, and I just pray them.

Psalm 86

A prayer of David.

¹ Hear, O LORD, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.

² Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.
You are my God; save your servant
who trusts in you.

³ Have mercy on me, O Lord,
for I call to you all day long.

⁴ Bring joy to your servant,
for to you, O Lord,
I lift up my soul.

⁵ You are forgiving and good, O Lord,
abounding in love to all who call to you.

⁶ Hear my prayer, O LORD;
listen to my cry for mercy.

⁷ In the day of my trouble I will call to you,
for you will answer me.

⁸ Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord;
no deeds can compare with yours.

⁹ All the nations you have made
will come and worship before you, O Lord;
they will bring glory to your name.

¹⁰ For you are great and do marvelous deeds;
you alone are God.

¹¹ Teach me your way, O LORD,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.

¹² I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.

¹³ For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.

¹⁴ The arrogant are attacking me, O God;
a band of ruthless men seeks my life—
men without regard for you.

¹⁵ But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

¹⁶ Turn to me and have mercy on me;
grant your strength to your servant
and save the son of your maidservant.

¹⁷ Give me a sign of your goodness,
that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
for you, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me.

David is always encouraging. His petitions to God always include praise. He claims the attibutes of God and puts his trust in Him. That is what I want to do. I may not have any promises about the state of my body, but God is still in control, and He is good. When I call on Him, He hears. He answers. His answers are always the best. They may not feel like it at the time, but they are.

I want to be able to do things on my own, but for now I have to rely on others. I thought I was taught that lesson sufficiently when I first had the twins. Apparently not.

At the moment I would settle for hope. Hope that one day I can either do things again, or just not be bothered as much by the fact that I am relying on others to do things that I, as Supermommie, should be able to do.

Ok, I'm not really all that super.

My Source of strength is sufficient, though. He just has to keep reminding me that I do not always have to be used in order for Him to accomplish His purpose.

For the moment, my prayer is verse 4. I don't want to be down anymore. Bring on some joy.

Sleep would be good here...

Yesterday I went in for another IV of steroids, and today I am happy to say that I can see better...not well, not much color, but clarity is better. I'm still in pain, but that could be not just from the eye itself, but from lack of sleep.

The steroids that I am on to make my eye work again have the worst insomnia side effect. Not that I am a stranger to insomnia, but this is really bad. Last night I decided to go to bed early (10:30, maybe it was 11, but that's early for me) because I felt like I was sleepy for the first time in a while. It didn't really work. I would sleep for a few minutes really hard, then wake up over and over again all night long. I was determined not to get up,though, knowing that if I actually got out of bed, I would be up for the day, even if it was 2 am. I don't know that I slept more than an hour last night, and certainly not all at once.

This morning I tossed and turned until my mom got up for work and was looking for something, so I got up to assist. Now I'm awake, but tired again, and my body is telling me aain that I shouldn't stay still.

Ok, I'm done complaining. If you have suffered through reading all of that, I know you care, but I hope you don't pity me. I just covet prayers.

Today is going to be a good day. I'm determined. This morning my older children go to school, I will have 2-3 girls around in the morning to play with, and though I will have a very busy afternoon, the morning I have set aside for fun.

This afternoon I pick up the kids from school, drop them off with a very appreciated aunt, and go to get set up for my IV. After that I go get my kids, take them home, feed them, ready them for bed, etc. Micah did most of his homework packet at church last night, so I don't have to worry about that. Yesterday I was told that Micah had the best day at school that he has had in a while. My day is not as rushed as yesterday, so that is good. My afternoon included all of that plus a t-ball game, and then an couple's study that Tony and I are doing.

God is good. He's giving me the strength to continue, and the hope to stay content.

The Next Doctor Visit

This morning I went in to see the neurologist. I took another test right away, and he basically told me that the findings were not normal. I kinda knew that because it was a visual thing, but what I didn't know was that my left eye was also not normal.

The findings tell him that he is setting me up for a whole bunch more tests. Yippee! I know sarcasm isn't becoming, but it's just what I'm feeling. I have to have a spinal tap.

As I sit here squinting at the screen, I am grateful for the steroids that should help me see soon even if it is MS like they think it is. I turned down the steroids initially, but the neurologist that I saw was afraid that some tests would be messed up if I didn't fix that problem, which is really just an initial symptom, soon. Basically, since the testing is more important because it helps determine the cause of the issues, and the sooner that I can have an accurate diagnosis, the sooner I can start treatment, which will really be really important for the long term. The side effects of the steroids are nothing compared to the consequences of not starting treatment soon with some of the things that the cause could be.

Today I started the IV steroids, and I go back Monday and Tuesday for more. From there it's all pills (way more convenient).

My mom and I started looking up some info on MS today. I say MS because I have no idea how to spell multiple sclerosis (I think that's right, though...no little gray lines under it...I know that they are supposed to be red, I just see gray). Basically everything that they said at the sites that we looked at about symptoms (well, not everything, but most things) I have experienced to some degree, so I see why the neurologist and my primary physician are leaning that way.

My biggest frustration right now is not being able to read well. When my son was first diagnosed with autism, my initial reaction was to read every book, look at every website, and talk to everyone who knew anything just to gain information about the subject. It's just how I deal with it. I know that by the time I am done typing this, my eyes will be pretty much done for the day...or at least for a few hours.

A side effect of the IV drugs that they gave me is that I can't sit still. I feel awful, but I can't lay around. I have to move. I just got a cramp from sitting still long enough to type this. I feel worse to sit still than I do to move. This is probably not a bad thing since the meds will also make me gain weight. At least if I gain weight while constantly moving, it will be muscle and not fat...that's the way it works, right? Am I just rationalizing? Honestly, the whole weight gain thing is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Well, I have to stop. My body is saying move around, and my eyes are saying quit.

Irritating Phone Calls

Today I have already answered the phone 8 times. Each of these phone calls were people who want to "help me get out of my bad mortgage." I am so sick of these phone calls. I know, I should just not answer the phone anymore, but my head hurts from the ringing, so I'd rather answer it than listen to it ring.

The last guy I actually talked to wanted me to lie about credit card debt so that I could get approved for a better loan. He said it wasn't really a lie, it was just so that I could get approved. After telling him that I wouldn't do it, he kept arguing with me about it and I finally hung up on him.

I think am just too nice to them. Telephone etiquette is too ingrained into my head. I've thought about letting my daughter answer the phone when they call...one of my two-year-olds, but I'm afraid that they will try to answer it all the time, and I just don't want to start that.

I know I don't have a great mortgage, but I'm not going to lie to get out of it. We struggle, but God provides.

We heard the scams before where they wanted us to get behind on our payments so that they can "help us out." The new one is that you need thousands of dollars in credit card debt so that you are sufficiently "in need." We just don't have that. We owe more on our house than it is worth and the mortgage is adjustable rate and ridiculously high. We owe on cars and stuff, but we have been working hard to pay off our other bills and it has worked. I'm not going to go out and blow all of that so that we can get a better loan. I'm also not going to lie about our situation so that we qualify for some program. If we don't qualify, we don't qualify. I'd rather trust God to provide than trust the irritating callers promising "relief."

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones. Honor the LORD with your wealth, with the firstfruits of all your crops; then your barns will be filled to overflowing, and your vats will brim over with new wine." Proverbs 3:5-10

April Fool's

I think that this holiday is really funny. Still, I don't pull any jokes. I might later this evening, though...too much temptation in having a captive audience of youth at chuch...

Google always does a good job. CADIE is funny. You gotta love anything with pandas, right?

My brother's blog was funny, but totally unbelievable. Not that anyone will believe him, but who can't appreciate the cute panda pictures.

Again with the panda thing. Is that a running theme this year in April Fool's jokes? Should I post a panda just so that I won't be left out?

NO! I will not be sucked in...well...I don't know what to do! I will probably cave by the end of the day.

Maybe I'll even tie in a panda. Hmmm....These are my favorite shoes