My son has become increasingly violent with little or no notice. We have resisted the use of drugs for him for a while now, but when my poor Ali came out of her room after a nap only to be attacked (she now sports a yucky bruise), I decided enough was enough. Every time I had tried to put him into the car to go somewhere he didn't want to go, every time something happened that he didn't like, someone has gotten hurt over the past 5 months.
The decision itself is tearing me apart. When I tell people who care what is going on, they tell me not to feel bad about it, but I do. It feels like a failure. I can't do enough for my boy. I feel like a horrible parent right now. Intellectually, I know that it is necessary and that I am just doing what he needs to function, but my heart just won't listen. I just feel failure.
I've never been the parent who gives their kid benedryll because the kid won't sleep. I don't even like to give my kids tylenol. I have always seen drugs as the last resort for anything. Behavior meds have always meant that the kid needs more consistant dicipline to me, and that if the parent would just try harder and be more comitted, the kid wouldn't need the drugs. So here I am. Consistancy is how we do things...to the point of boring. I have spanked, time-out-ed, positively reinforced, re-directed, and bribed my life away trying to figure out something that would work. My kids are all really well-behaved, except when something upsets Micah. It just seems like he doesn't know any other way to get his point across besides violence.
So, I gave him the drugs. Last night was his first dose. I cry when I think about it. This morning he woke up and has been so tired all day. I don't want a zombie. I want Micah back. The kid who used to try new things with numbers just for kicks. The kid who knows all of his multiplication tables and wants to learn more algebra. The kid who hacks onto my computer and deletes files because he thinks it's funny to empty the recycle bin (ok, I could do without that). The kid who tells knock-knock jokes when reciting verses in Awana. I want Micah. I just don't want my boy to be angry all the time. I don't want my girls to leave the room when he wants to play in there because they are afraid they will make a sound that he doesn't like and set him off. I want my boy back.
If you are inclined to look down on me for giving him this medication, honestly, I don't blame you. I've been there. Still, you don't know me if you think that I am doing this to make my life easier. Honestly, at the moment, it's only making my life worse. I'm hoping that it makes his life better, though. I hope it makes my girls' lives better. If it doesn't, then we will move on to something else. I don't think he will be on meds forever, and we will continue to do everything to work on skills that will help him should we take him off the medicine, but for now this is where we are.
3 comments:
Oh sweetie. I know you well enough to know how hard this decision was for you. I applauded you when you were able to deal with Micah's symptoms in other ways beside medication.
But sometimes, it is necessary. If you truly feel that you have exhausted every other avenue, then go for those drugs. In some instances, it is the only thing that helps.
I hope that this helps all of you. That Micah is able to become more of himself and that the rest of you can find peace.
Whatever happens, you are still my hero.
You are still Supermommie.
I'll be praying for you guys
It's so hard making decisions when the best interests of your children seem to conflict.
It's sounds like you are making the best decision you can in a very hard situation.
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