I told you about planning to start school in my last post. I didn't really tell you about my big fears.
I've gone to college and taken classes off and on for 15 years. Yes, I am that old...okay, maybe I started in high school. Anyway, when I transferred my credits to California Baptist University, where I will be attending, I didn't really expect them to accept everything. I figured that some of those things that I did at the junior college I attended were just too old and they would make me take the class over again. I wasn't really afraid of this, I just assumed it would happen so I would deal with taking some core classes again.
Nope.
They accepted 60 units. That was almost everything. That may not seem like much school over 15 years, but if you have been reading anything about what has happened in my life over that time span, you would know that I've been through a different kind of schooling during that time.
So, 60 units. I am a junior. I'm only going to have to take a couple of core classes over the next couple of years for graduation. Two units of kinesiology and 3 units of philosophy. Everything else is covered in my major program or I already have it.
It was an unexpected blessing and really took a load off my shoulders. When my enrollment counselor called me after getting my transcripts, she congratulated me on being so determined in the classes that I took. I didn't mess around with classes that didn't matter. I took the classes that were hard. Maybe I took them only one or two at a time, but I took them.
Okay, enough patting myself on the back.
The next real fear at this point is the money. Of course it's the money. Isn't it always the money? My fear is that I will finish my degree and end up with a huge bill and then go paralyzed again and never be able to do anything with it. I don't have any real plans to do anything after I'm done and I'm at peace knowing that God is the one doing the planning for that, but that nagging question keeps getting in the way. What about my MS? Is this really what I should be doing even knowing that I may never be able to hold down a job that would pay for my education?
I know that God is bigger than multiple sclerosis. He is the one controlling my life. Still, I have a brain that He gave me and it's telling me that things are financially uncertain. Should I really be doing this?
I got the preliminary report regarding my financial aid. Most of my schooling will be covered by grants and I'm applying for scholarships like crazy. I still have a loan, but it's not looking really big. It looks like something that will be pretty manageable in the end. If I get a few scholarships lined up, I may be able to avoid too much of the loan stuff. I'm still waiting for the final word, and that has me really nervous.
Another fear that keeps coming up in my head is am I going to be able to finish? Every time I have gone back to school, something major has happened in my life that made me stop. Autism, seizures, MS, and a whole bunch of other things have come up along the way. It has me thinking what is next? Am I going to start again only to have some other major event happen in my life and have to stop again? I'm already pretty sure I know what it would be! Ali has been having trouble in school. Her teacher thinks she has ADD or possibly ADHD. I'm pretty sure she does too, but I wasn't going to have her diagnosed because she has handled it pretty well so far without any assistance. She gets good grades, just isn't perfect in her behavior. It wasn't a big problem in Kindergarten, but she didn't do too bad. Apparently this year and this teacher are different. I got a referral and I'm taking her to have her assessed. The twins' teacher is also sending me packets to fill out for both of them to be assessed for speech.
SEE?
I honestly don't think all this will amount to me changing much in my routine. Our routine is really set up at home for kids of all abilities to thrive. If there really is a solution that I'm willing to do (she is not going on meds unless they can prove to me that it's absolutely necessary...not likely), then I figure it can only help my routine because Ali will focus better. If it takes a bit more of my time, I'll work around it.
This is my thinking for my going back to school: I have a ton of other things on my plate that really aren't as important to me as finishing school. I'm willing to drop what I need to. I'm not dropping my kids (obviously), so something else may give if things start to go crazy. My relationship with Christ, my husband, and my kids won't suffer, other than that I can't make any promises. I have friends that will still be by my side in 2 years even if I don't pick up the phone as much as I should. My Clever Container and Pampered Chef businesses are not on hold, but my schedule is going to be more limited than it was before. I do have a friend who has told me that she is willing to come along side of me and help me with those businesses if things get tough for me to handle. As it stands for ministry at church, I am involved but it isn't taking up nearly as much time throughout the week as it did a few years ago. Sundays are still long days and very full, but it's not huge burden. I really think that my schedule will fit.
Okay, so that is my fear and my justification. I should be okay, right? Nothing is certain except that God knows what He is doing. I really think that this is His plan for me, but I could be wrong. I have struggled with this so much that I'm starting to go crazy. Still, yesterday when I got my schedule for this semester, I had such peace! I felt like everything has been falling into place for this without my control. I fear the shoe dropping because it has happened so many times before, but I don't want to disregard all the things that have happened to get me this far this time.
I should probably mention that I also kind of fear that I won't be able to do what I used to do and my memory isn't what it was (I'm not really that old, but I feel it). I do have these weird spots on my brain that you can see on an MRI. I'm not using those things as excuses, though. That fear doesn't count because it makes me more determined to do it.
Okay, so that's where I am. Am I crazy? Absolutely.
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