Rest: The Next Chapter

I keep wondering how far this rest thing is going to go.

The next place it has taken me, though not truly because of my focus, is that I am not working. Well, technically I am, just only a couple of days a month right now.

Huh? I love my job. I'm good at it. It helps pay the bills and gives me a little wiggle room in my budget that we have never had before.

Yeah, then my grandmother got out of the hospital.  Her stroke affected her tremendously. She has to have 24 hour supervision now. Here's the thing: hiring someone to care for her would cost about my salary. Yeah, I'm not working to pay someone to come in to take care of her. She doesn't qualify for assistance since she worked hard all of her life, was frugal and set herself up financially so she wouldn't be a burden to anyone in that way. That's awesome, but I doubt she considered the fact that she would be unable to be physically independent when she and my grandpa planned for this stuff.

Anyway, she needs care, she has family who love her, she's getting care.

I'm not a caretaker type. I had babies, and this is kind of like that in that there is some diaper changing, coming when she cries, holding her when she needs it, and feeding her. Still, my youngest are 9 and I'm kinda over that. Plus it's way grosser as an adult. It's not my first choice to do this kind of thing, and certainly wouldn't have been a career choice for me.

I don't mean to complain. My kids are learning first hand how much family means to me. I'm doing things I really kinda hate because I love my grandmother. I know there were times when she was there for me growing up when she really didn't want to be. I was a horrible child.

If I could change things, I would. If my mom was financially capable of retiring, she would be able to care for my grandmother most of the time and not be as tired all the time. Unfortunately she is a couple of years away from that. Until then, I'm up to bat for a while.

So, it may not seem restful that I am taking on my grandmother's care, but in reality, it's keeping me home and making me focus on slowing down more than I ever have...and kinda driving me nuts after the first week.

I find myself wanting to fill up the extra time at home. I keep contemplating going back to school and getting my masters online or something. That won't help me rest, though. I am still feeling like this call to rest is being forced upon me further.  I'm looking forward to seeing what God will fill the time in my life with as I seek His rest.