A Fleece

I have an idea of what God wants me to do after graduation, but I'm not sure.  It's hard with these things.  I just want it written in bold letters somewhere "You are supposed to do ____" but that's not how God works all the time.  I want my writing on the wall.  I want to know with the certainty that He gave me when I went back to school this time what it is that I'm supposed to do with this degree.

I know what not to do.  I can't make a plan of my own.  That trips me up every time.  It's one of those things that comes naturally to me.  I make plans.  If God isn't moving fast enough for my taste, I plunge forward anyway. 

I really have to stop that.  Falling on my face just hurts.  I'm tired of doing that.

So I've asked.  I've waited.  I've lacked planning.

By the way, not planning in a place with a slogan "live your purpose" is difficult.  The university that I am attending is all about helping you live your goals.  It's assumed that you have a goal.  What in the world would you be there for if you didn't have a goal?  Especially for a person as old as I am.  There has to be a reason, right?

Yeah, my reason is to do what God told me to do.  At least it's a Christian University so that's an acceptable answer...but it doesn't stop people from asking, "so what are you going to do until God tells you what to do next?"  The answer "wait" really should be acceptable, but it's frustrating to others.  I totally understand why.  It's frustrating to me too. 

So anyway, there's a point to this.  I have an idea of what God wants of me.  I'm pretty sure I know what it's not.  It's one area that I have wanted to avoid.  It's the thing that I blogged about not wanting to do in my last post.  I'm not incredibly happy about it, but as soon as I acknowledged in that post that I was avoiding it, I've been so convicted about surrendering everything.  Everywhere I go.  The sermon that I had to listen to for homework.  The pastor's sermon I listened to Sunday.  Posts from my friends on Facebook.  Books that I've been reading.  I just can't avoid it.  I can't avoid God. 

So, I'm not saying what the direction is that He may be leading me to.  I don't even know if it's really it or if he just wants me to surrender to Him fully (by the way, that's what I'm hoping for at this point). 

Like Gideon in the book of Judges, I'm laying out a fleece for God.  Not a literal fleece (though if I did in the dry weather of summer in So Cal, it would have to be God getting that thing wet), but a figurative one.  I'm asking God to show me in a very specific way that this is from Him. 

Now, I've been very specific with God, but I'm not going to be specific in this blog.  I don't want to take the chance that someone will read this and think "I should make that happen."  Not that I have a large following, but I'm not taking any chances.  If this thing happens, I will know with certainty that it is from Him.  If it doesn't, I will wait some more. 

Here's the thing.  I'm not to happy about waiting longer. I'm also pretty certain that if this thing happens, I won't be too happy for a while.  The thing that I'm counting on is the peace.  I love the peace that comes in knowing that I'm doing what God wants me to do.  I want that.  I need that.  I need it more than I need to like the direction that I'm headed.  One of the things that I've learned about when God tells me to do something that I don't want to do and I do it anyway is that it always works out better than what I planned.  God loves me and wants what is best for me.  He also wants me to have joy.  I count on the joy.  I count on the peace.  I count on God's plan being better than any of mine.

That's what's in my head and in my heart, but I'm still struggling in the meantime.  Maybe I should take a cue from my lessons to my kids lately and "Do everything without grumbling or arguing" (Phil 2:14)